


Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody: Film 4

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody [4]
Category: Doctor Who (2005), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Despite This Being The Fourth Harry Potter Movie I Don't Make A Single Twilight Joke, Gen, Humor, I Swear A Lot, Parody, References To Things No One Knows, Screenplay/Script Format, The Only Reason I'm Including The Doctor Who Fandom Is Because Of All The References I Made
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-16
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-29 13:36:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 66,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1006052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because all the cool kids are doing it. Contains some of the most pointless games to ever be created for the purpose of a VIEWING audience, Emma Watson's eyebrows, and WAY too many Doctor Who references.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Teh VOLDEFETUS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Doctor Who, Naruto, Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series, some random icon I found once, The Book of Mormon, Pokémon, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, or Rifftrax.

~Huh, I just noticed that this was the first DVD menu that didn't have Hedwig's theme playing against a montage of movie scenes floating in the clouds. I'll miss that.~

WB logo: OH GOD THERE'S A SNAKE INSIDE ME SOMEONE DO SOMETHING.

Audience: We would if you weren't about to crash directly into us. Seriously, what is it with you, you always do this!

Nagini: *slithers out of skull thing*

Book readers: *are instantly reminded of the Dark Mark* …Okay, that was kind of clever.

Nagini: BTDubs, I die in THE MOST EPIC OF EPIC WAYS THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE EPIC. JSYK.

Statue of the Grim Reaper leaning against a gravestone with a bunch of people's names with the surname Riddle: *is in no way suspicious or foreshadowing anything that's to come*

Grim Reaper: Yo, I'm your usual portrayer of death, a skeleton with a cloak and a badass scythe…so why do I have angel-like wings?

Title card floating in the sky as usual: Hell if we know. Oooooh, look at how the words "and the Goblet of Fire" kind of float into existence under "Harry Potter" and is all bluey and stuff. And Hedwig's theme has become all creepified, isn't that awesome?

Audience: Yay, same old music even though John Williams is gone, this is awesome!

Dark and creepy mansion in the background: *is dark and creepy. And in the background*

House in front of it: *exists*

Window: *lights up…OMINOUSLY*

Movie watchers: Wait, where are Harry and the Dursleys? Don't we have to get our annual dose of child abuse before the whimsy can begin, what was with the snake and the Grim Reaper? Did we come to the right movie?

Book readers: Yep! Don't worry, we thought the exact same thing when the book came out.

Frank Bryce: I haz a gas stove…Exactly how late is it, anyway? Is it, like, past midnight or something? iheart's not British, she can't understand the concept of having tea randomly in the middle of the night, someone please explain it to her—Oooh, shiny.

Window in mansion thingy: *also lights up…ALSO OMINOUSLY*

Frank: Must follow the shiny…after I apparently smack something offscreen…

Keys: WE ARE ALSO SHINY.

Audience: O…M…G…someone actually has a flashlight in this series? WHAT'S GOING ON WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD CAN I HAVE YOUR TACOS.

Shot of the side of the house: *is intensely important*

Shot of Frank walking up the steps to the door: *is equally important*

Book readers: We're surprised Voldemort didn't have some kind of charms in place to warn him of intruders. It would seem like something he'd do, and yet he needs his snake to tell him…weird…

Frank: Dear God, that's a dusty, cobwebby clock thing.

Voices: *are coming from upstairs*

Frank: What, someone's actually here? Weird, I just wanted to get at the shiny. Eh, might as well check it out.

iheartmwpp: No one noticed the obviously bright flashlight outside the very open door to the room? Weird.

Voldefetus: Merlin's baggy pant legs, you're hard to please, Wormtail. I mean, you were living in a sewer not two weeks ago! And before that you lived at the freaking Burrow, don't you dare complain about the accommodations!

Audience: Oi, could you speak up a bit? We have absolutely no clue what you're saying without subtitles.

iheartmwpp: I'd like to mention at this time that I totally thought of "Voldefetus" long before the most recent episode of MuggleCast. Just sayin'.

Frank: …Should probably turn this off now. *turns this off now*

Voldefetus: Oh! Could it be that the task of nursing me has become wearisome for you?

Audience: Oh God, please be something other than our minds are conjuring. Where's that fucking brain bleach?

Stair: Creak.

Rifftrax: Dargh, why do I always buy the extra-squeaky shoes? They serve no purpose!

Wormtail: Coulda sworn I was amongst those who are terrified of saying your name and only refer to you as "My lord" or "the dark lord," so why am I actually saying "My lord Voldemort" right now? Is it just so the audience knows who you are, 'cause even so, that's kind of annoying and out of character.

Frank: The hell's going on here?

Wormtail: I only meant that I still don't understand why this plan is so needlessly complicated, is all. Especially since you could come back so much sooner if you just used someone else.

Voldefetus: *sounds rather weak and pathetic and not at all threatening, I don't know why Peter's cowering like that…oh, wait, he always does that* Hells no, bitch! We're using the kid and that's that! And I don't care how needlessly complicated you think it is, I want him to be kidnapped in a way that no would really notice his disappearance for some time, okay? WE'RE DOING IT MY WAY AND THAT'S THAT.

Wormtail: My lord, this is going to be freaking impossible.

Barty Crouch Jr.: *leans over onto the screen* Not impossible, just…bit unlikely.

Movie watchers: …Who is he and how did he get there?

Book readers: No, really, how did he get there?

Frank: How did who get there, what the crap is going on?

Crouch Jr.: You're really not looking yourself, old chap, anything bothering you, or…?

Voldefetus: Oh, no, not really, I'm only in the body of a fucking infant!

Crouch Jr.: Yeah, how did that happen, exactly?

Voldefetus: Considering that the process Wormtail had to undergo to get me like this is one of the two things JKR said she might never describe due to her editor nearly vomiting, we can only guess. We may never know.

iheartmwpp: Okay, I have a theory about this whole thing. It will involve a lengthy description of a character in an anime that very few people like anymore, so bear with me. So in this show called Naruto (Yeah, yeah, I know, shut up), there are these demons of unbelievable power roaming around like nobody's business. In order to create human weapons, some of these demons were sealed into certain people, often at a very young age. The titular character is one such example, and his demon was sealed into him the day he was born. (OMG SPOILERS! Wait, you don't care.) There's this other character named Gaara, whose demon was sealed into him when he was still in his mother's womb. The mother died in childbirth. Anyway, I believe something similar may have happened here; Peter, on Voldemort's orders, went out and found a heavily pregnant woman and somehow fused whatever was left of Voldemort to the unborn baby, hence his infantile appearance. And the mother probably died horribly in the process, along with her child, in a sense. It's pretty gruesome, true, but I'm not as horrified as I might have been as I've unfortunately watched Naruto for years and Gaara is one of the few tolerable characters left. I've heard that this origin story has changed recently, as Masashi Kishimoto is widely inconsistent with his plots and characters, but, as I've stopped reading and watching that series altogether, I'm going to stick to the story I heard back when I still cared.

Voldefetus: Whatever, so you think you can do this shit?

Crouch Jr.: Oh, while we've been chatting away I forgot to tell you! I'm brilliant!

Voldefetus: Awesomesauce.

Nagini: I'm in ur house, sneaking past ur Muggles.

Voldefetus: So, in our second immediately noticeable deviation from the books, the first of course being your presence here, Barty, I actually want you to send up the Dark Mark so we can get this shit on the move and stuff.

Frank: Hooooly shit that's a giant snake.

Nagini: Ojiisan ga asoko de matte-imasu no.

Audience: …Okay, we would have expected actual hissing coming from the snake, at least.

Voldefetus: Direct translation: The old man is waiting outside.

Frank: Shit muffins.

Wormtail: Haaaaaaaaai.

Voldefetus: Get the fuck out the way, Wormtail, I wanna zap this guy.

Movie watchers: Wait…Wormtail? I thought his name was Pettigrew…wait a minute, isn't that the name of one of the guys on the Marauder's Map? Why's he calling himself that, did he help make it? Who are the others?

Book readers: Words cannot describe the hatred we feel for the filmmakers right now.

Frank: Um…'Sup. I was just—

Voldefetus: Avada Kedavra!

Frank: Oh balls. *dies*

Whistling tea kettle: *shall whistle to the end of time and annoy everyone on the planet*

Audiences: …Holy crap, an on-screen death in the very first scene. This. Is. AWESOME.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Harry: OW MY HORCRUX.

Hermione: Harry! Here, let me hold this candle perilously close to your suddenly much longer hair in the hopes that some of the wax will drip onto your face and wake you up!

iheartmwpp: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Movie watchers: The hell is Hermione doing at Privet Drive?

Hermione: HARRY!

Harry: OH MY GOD, NIGHT TROLL! Oh…Oh, uh…'Sup, Hermione?

Hermione: I will have my revenge in due time. You okay? You were kind of thrashing about in your sleep.

Harry: *puts on glasses* That is generally what happens when one has a nightmare, yes. When did you get here and what the hell are you doing in Ron's room?

Hermione: About an hour ago, I wanted to watch Ron while he slept for a bit.

Harry: …Okay, that's not creepy at all…

Hermione: So how long have you been crashing here this time?

Harry: Just the one night, I only got here yesterday.

Movie watchers: Oh so we're skipping the Dursleys? Sweet, no one likes them.

Book readers: Aww, no Dursely/Weasley confrontation? Wah-face.

Parody readers: Wait, no repetitive child abuse jokes this time? AWESOME!

Hermione: *thankfully puts the candle down before she sets the Burrow on fire two films early* Tee hee, I'm totally touching Ron's hip as I shake him awake. And everyone thinks I'm the innocent one, muahahaha.

Ron: Gasp! Madam, you have come upon me at a moment when I am unclothed!

Hermione: Bull poop, you're unfortunately still wearing a tank top. Now get dressed. And don't go back to sleep.

Harry: I'm clearly clutching my scar in pain in the background.

Ron: Odd, you'd think we would've noticed that, considering what happened last time that happened.

Hermione: I'm too busy nagging. Come on, Ron! Your mother wants all of you out of the house so she can move the entire Burrow to a random new location for no adequately explained reason while you're away!

Ron: *rolls eyes* She gone yet?

Harry: Just went down the stairs, yeah.

Ron: Awesome. *instantly goes back to sleep*

Harry: How does he do that? So jealous!

~Take a good look, everyone, that's the last time we'll see the Burrow surrounded by a beautiful green landscape.~

Harry: What are we doing again?

Ron: I forget, too sleepy. Hey Dad, where are we going?

Arthur: Haven't the foggiest! Just don't fall behind or we're abandoning you!

Harry: Comforting.

Amos: WAZZUP.

Arthur: WAZZUP.

Amos:It's about time, son!

Arthur: …The hell you talking about, we appear to be around the same age.

Amos: Iunno, it's too early for this crap anyway.

Arthur: I'll say, if only wizards had discovered coffee.

Book readers: Wasn't Hermione drinking some at Hogwarts in Book Five or something, though?

Arthur: Whatever. Everyone, this is Amos Diggory, one of my colleagues at the Ministry. What happens to him after this particular installment is anyone's guess.

Cedric: *falls out of a tree* Ow.

Fred and George: LOL.

Harry: What were you even doing up there?

Cedric: I have no idea.

Arthur: And this smexy young lad must be Cedric, am I right? *helps him up*

Cedric: Yeppers!

Amos: Tee hee! *claps Cedric on the back, sending him face-first into the ground again*

Cedric: Ow.

Hermione and Ginny: Oh look, we've devolved into mindless fangirls again, how lovely.

Amos: Merlin's elbows! You must be Harry Potter!

Harry: *deadpan* No, I'm the Fat Friar.

Amos: Oh, never mind, then—Hey, wait a minute…

Harry: Just kidding, yeah, I'm Harry Potter.

Amos: Suddenly I'm interested in your existence! Aren't you lucky!

Harry: Huh boy.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Ron: This ambling through the mundane British countryside carrying nothing but rucksacks is getting kind of annoying, hopefully we won't have to do it again.

Harry and Hermione: I hear that.

Amos: It's just over there!

Ginny: Ooooh, not at all shiny…

Arthur: Shall we?

Amos: Only since it's the reason we came out here in the first place.

Arthur: Touché. Come on, let's not waste any time, we don't want to be late for something that doesn't start till nightfall when we literally have all day to get there.

Movie watchers: …A boot? Have these guys gone off their collective nut or something?

Book readers: This is progressing rather quickly.

Movie watchers: Oh do not tell us that this film centers around that thing.

Harry: Why is everyone so obsessed with that mankey old boot anyway?

Fred: *takes out Pokéball* Mankey? Where?

George: Dude, you already have a Primeape, just breed it with a Ditto.

Fred: I would, but I'm trying to get all the Eevee evolutions, figured I'd just catch a Mankey the old-fashioned way in the meantime.

George: Oh, okay then.

iheartmwpp: I'd like to mention that I don't own a DS and therefore haven't really played any of the Pokémon games since Crystal. *chuckles* Hey, remember the good old days when there were fewer than three hundred and you could actually keep track? Yeah, me neither.

George: Oh, BTW, the boot's actually a portkey.

Amos: Everyone touch it already, hurry up!

Harry: WTF's a portkey?

Hermione: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touched it to anywhere on the globe as decided upon by the enchanter.

All Weasleys, Diggorys, and Hermione: Poke.

Amos: On three then. One, two, five!

Cedric: Three, Dad!

Arthur: POKE IT, HARRY!

Harry: …Poke?

Amos: Three!

Everyone: WHEEEEEE WE'RE SUDDENLY A FRISBEE WHEEEEEE!

Lightning: Damn, how am I not zapping these guys, there's like none of them, they're not exactly a small target!

Harry and Hermione: Okay, I'm terrified out of my mind now.

Amos and Arthur: HAHAHA, we laugh at your fear!

Arthur: Speaking of, we should really let go now.

Hermione: You've got to be fucking kidding me!

Arthur:Nope! So let go already!

Spinning Trio of Dizziness: *are the first to let go and fall into the vortex*

Harry and Hermione: AAAAAAAAHHHH!

Ron: NO DON'T GO TOWARD THE LIGHT!

Winded Trio of That Was My Spine, Ginny, and Twins: *crash into the ground*

Harry: The hell?

Arthur and the Diggorys…interesting band…: We're flyyyyying!

Fred: Oi, we're in the same year at Hogwarts!

George: Yeah, how did you figure out how to fly when we didn't?

Cedric: You just use wires!

Fred and George: Oh.

Arthur: Ha ha, all my kids fail at life, as usual. Hilarious!

Cedric: I, for one, didn't really FIND it to be too amusing. Need a hand?

Harry: Right, you're one of the few Hufflepuffs to actually be useful. Thanks a lot!

Cedric: Don't mention it.

Amos: Hurry up, everyone, no time to catch your breath! Considering we're already here anyway!

Group of General Awesomeness plus Amos: *walk up a hill*

Arthur: Well, kids, welcome to the Quidditch World Cup!

Said kids: …This isn't Quidditch, this is a bunch of tents.

Arthur: Well, yes, the stadium's actually further on, this is just where we wait for the game to start.

Random juggler: Are these jellyfish I'm throwing around or what?

Arthur: Oi, girls, you and your inferior speed better stick with us guys!

Hermione: Now I know where his sons get it from.

Ginny: Tell me about it. I mean, we're trying to look at the whimsy and wonder of the magical world here.

Hermione: I know, outside of Hogwarts I never get to see this, he should really give us a moment!

iheartmwpp: Next time you guys watch this movie, pause it at about six minutes and twenty-six seconds in; you'll see two unspecified House Elves riding past on a couple of llamas. No kidding. Apparently they're supposed to be Dobby and Winky. What a lame way for the filmmakers to go, "No, they were totally there, we just didn't include them as part of the plot even though they're super important. 'Sides, who cares about House Elves anyway?" Though the one in front, which I assume is actually Dobby, looks adorable in a tiny red sweatshirt.

Book readers: Aww, no actual House Elves that we can spot immediately and aren't incorporated into the plot…Which means no SPEW! THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVAR!

Hermione: You shall all die violently in your sleep.

Harry: Did that guy just use magic to put his tent up? Aren't they supposed to keep that on the down low?

Ron: Nah, the Muggles who run the campsite were cut, we can basically do whatever we want.

Harry: Huh. I'm sure that won't backfire on us in anyway.

Three guys on brooms: Crashing into people is awesome!

Arthur: So is ducking!

Amos: Parting of the ways, I think, old chap!

Book readers: LOL chapter title.

Arthur: See you at the match…or more likely at work, it's kind of a big stadium and I don't think you're actually anywhere near us.

Amos: Good point.

Cedric: Later, y'all!

Twins: See you in class, Cedric!

Arthur: And our tent's right there, that's rather convenient.

Fred (I assume): Is what I'm carrying supposed to be a set of Omnioculars?

George (I assume): Interesting design, that.

Arthur: Ah, here we go. *pulls back tent flap thing* Get used to this thing, we'll be seeing a lot of it in Book/Film Seven.

The kids: Oh joy.

Harry: Wait, how the hell…

Fred, George, Ginny, Hermione, Ron and Arthur: *all go in*

Harry: Um…*hesitantly goes in after them* HOLY SHIT BALLS.

Movie watchers: I think Hermione did get a different tent in Film Seven, this one's a lot bigger and far more colorfully decorated. Also armchairs.

Harry: Wha…it's bigger on the inside! And why in the name of Merlin's pubic hair am I still overly impressed by crap like this?

Arthur: Sorry girls, you'll be sharing the tent with us this time. Ron, get out of the kitchen, we're all hungry.

Twins: Why are we still speaking unison?

Arthur: Feet off the table, you two!

Twins: Why, it's not like Mum's here.

Arthur: …All right, but just this once.

Twins: Awesome.

Harry: Don't mind me, I'm just staring around like a complete idiot

~Would it not be the most epic thing ever if the tent was actually a TARDIS?~

REVIEW OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED. EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINATE.


	2. Teh DISTINCT LACK OF QUIDDITCH

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Labyrinth, Billy's Balloon, that one auto-tune thing from the Oscars, Katy Perry, Doctor Who, The Vicar of Dibley, or Rifftrax.

~OH DEAR GOD HOW MANY PEOPLE SHOWED UP TO THIS THING, LOOK AT ALL THE FREAKING TENTS.~

Audience: …Were they digging to China or something when they built that stadium? It's so huge, how can anyone hope to see the miniscule players? Though it'd be cool to have covers like that over our own stadiums, keep out the rain and all that.

African wizards: Remember, this is the Quidditch World Cup. Just in case you forgot.

Ron: The actual Quidditch green's buried in the center of the Earth, so why are we still chillin' up in the Earth's crust?

Lucius: Because you suck just that much, of course.

Arthur: Damn it, with the sheer size of this place I was hoping we wouldn't be running into him.

Lucius: Also, put it this way. If it rains, you'll be the first to know.

iheartmwpp: It took me multiple viewings to realize that was supposed to be an insult. No wonder Draco never has any new material. And why in the name of all that is smexy do they still look offended by that statement when it was pure shit?

Fred (I assume): I'm supporting Ireland!

Ron: Well I'm supporting Bulgaria, so piss off.

Arthur: This is my grr face.

Draco: Father and I are in the Minister's Box.

Book readers: Hey yeah, shouldn't the Weasleys be there too, what happened to Bagman in this movie?

iheartmwpp: He was changed into some weird giant furry thing and is currently hanging out with Jennifer Connelly and David Bowie.

Draco: Yeah, we're just so close to Minister Fudge, he invited us to come and watch the match with him. No idea how much Father bribed him this time, really, though it's likely we might as well have paid for the tickets ourselves. Still, it's the gesture that counts.

Lucius: Don't boast, Draco. *beats his son with his pimp cane*

Draco: Ow! But Father, we do it all the time, why should we change now, that's kind of out of character.

Lucius: Yes, but we're already so much better than those freaks of nature up there will ever be, so there's really no need to go out of your way like that.

Arthur: O RLY? Then why are we looking down on you?

Lucius: …Shut up.

Harry: C'mon, Hermione, let me just grab your arm for no reason and shove you in the direction of the stairs—OW in the hand.

Lucius: In case you've forgotten how evil I am, let me basically state that I'm gonna help blow up the campsite later.

Harry: Oh, okay! Thanks so much!

~Jesus Christ, and here I thought the Wizarding population was small! WTF are those purebloods complaining about, there are plenty of these fuckers!~

Rabid Quidditch fans: WOOOOOOOO! LET'S THROW OUR PROGRAMS AND VARIOUS OTHER PIECES OF PAPER ONTO THE PITCH! YAAAAAAY LITTERING!

Balloons: *rise, pulling various, thoroughly beaten children with them, which they drop continuously*

Arthur: Come on up! Take your seats!

Ginny: Pfft, yeah, like any of us are gonna actually sit down the entire game.

Arthur: I told you these seats would be worth waiting for!

Cedric: Apparently we are sitting with you guys.

George: Yeah, how 'bout that.

Fred: How come I don't get the crazy hat or face paint?

Ron: My Omnioculars.

Irish team: AIM FOR THE GINGERS!

Fred: Never thought we'd be rooting for a team with Slytherin colors, but there you go.

Ron: GO GRYFFINDOR-ISH COLORED OTHER TEAM!

George: RANDOM TEAM MEMBERS' NAMES! WOOOO!

Firework leprechaun: How clichéd could you get?

Fred and George: *are furiously taking notes on said firework*

Harry: Judging by the stupid hat, I went with Ron in supporting Bulgaria.

Ginny: Bitch you are so going down!

Hermione: Why am I even here?

Stereotypical banner: *is stereotypical*

Fred: HERE COME THE BULGARIANS!

George: FUCK YEAH!

Bulgarian team: Ve crush your pitiful firework.

Various redheads, Harry, and Hermione: Holy shit, dude.

Krum: WHEEEEEEEEE!

Hermione: Who's that?

iheartmwpp: Admittedly the voice sounded more like Ginny, and the twin who responds to her question kind of confirms it, but as Ginny is a huge Quidditch fan who has also had to deal with Ron fanboying over Krum the entire summer, I refuse to believe it was her. Therefore, I am bending the fabric of the universe to suit my needs. Deal, bitches.

Fred: That is the best Seeker in the world!

Ron: I wanna take a closer look with the only pair of Omnioculars we have between all of us!

Harry: Damn it, should've got a couple extra pairs like in the books. Shame those didn't appear later, either, we might've been able to use them when infiltrating the Ministry or something.

EVERYONE IN THE STADIUM: *somehow all have pictures of Krum, which when combined somehow turns the entire stadium into the biggest IMAX in the world. Oh God, imagine watching the Potter films on a screen like that, it would be so fucking amazing*

Book readers: …Okay, could've sworn he'd be this significantly less hot Snape-ish-type-thing-dude-guy-place, but whatever…

One of iheart's friends back in high school: *had the biggest crush on this guy EVAR*

Fred and George: KRUUUUUUM!

Hermione: WHY AM I CHEERING, I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT IS!

Harry: PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT FORESHADOWING, MAYBE?

Ron: THAT DOESN'T REALLY MAKE SENSE, BUT OKAY!

Krum: YEEEES! THAT'S RIGHT! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Fudge: 'Sup, y'all? I'm assuming everyone in the world knows how to speak English? No? Well I don't care. As Minister for Magic, it gives me great pleasure…

Rifftrax: To have sex. BUT! I'm off-topic.

Book readers: …Did not know that you had to continuously jab your wand into your jugular in order for sonorus to work.

Fudge: …to welcome each and every one of you…

iheartmwpp: I have an innate talent for pausing movies at the best moment for the actors to look stoned out of their fucking minds.

Fudge: …to the final of the four hundred and twenty-second Quidditch World Cup! Merlin, how often do we do this? Is it every year, or every four years like the Muggle Olympics? If it's yearly, we've been doing this since…*whips out an abacus, since wizards can't use calculators*…1572! Jesus, that's a while back. Doubt a team like the Holyhead Harpies were around back then, am I right?

Quidditch fans: GET ON WITH IT.

Fudge: Ah, right. Let the match…begin!

This ball of light/This tiny ball of light: *floats up into the camera, blinding everyone*

~I'd like to take this chance to point out that every single underage male character in this tent is fucking gorgeous, IMO.~

Arthur: This better not be my wand that I just stuck into the stove.

Fred: Whoa, I'm actually singing the theme music for a chunk of the movie! That hasn't happened since Hagrid was playing the flute thing in the first movie!

Audience: …Wait…N-No Quidditch? But…but why? We just used all the time in the film so far apart from the bit about Voldemort in the beginning building up to this match! There won't be another chance to see it this film! WHY MUST YOU DEPRIVE US OF EPICNESS?

BANG: *is heard outside*

Arthur: The crap was that?

McGonagall: BOOM.

Ron: I am best friends with the Boy-Who-Is-Arguably-The-Most-Famous-Person-In-The-Entire-Wizarding-World-Or-At-Least-Wizarding-Britain, but I still feel the need to fanboy over some random Quidditch player.

Fred: Hee hee, calling him "Dumb Krum" is funny, because his name rhymes with the adjective.

George: Okay, no more of our experimental candy for you.

Ron: Technically, pretty much all Quidditch players could be compared to birds as they all fly and stuff, but I just think Krum flies better than most.

Fred and George: *are now flapping their arms around like complete idiots. I would so hang out with them*

George: Here, let me drape you in an Irish flag. You know, the flag of the team that actually won the match.

Ron: Don't really care, Krum's still a better player than all of them combined.

Ginny: Is there something you'd like to tell us, Ron?

Ron: Not really, why?

Fred: *bursts into song* Because now we must siiiiing!

George: *also bursts into song* About how our little brother is gay for a Quidditch playeeeeer!

Harry: *also also bursts into song* I'm gonna be on Brooooaaddwaaaaaay!

Ron: Nah, pretty sure I'm straight, I just admire Krum's enormous talent with a broomstick…that came out wrong.

Fred: Hells yeah it did! PILLOW FIGHT!

Ron: WHEEEE!

More explosions: *are heard outside*

McGonagall: BOOM.

George: *bursts into song again* BABY YOU'RE A FIIIIIREWOOOORRK—

Arthur: OH GOD MAKE IT STOP. Also we're kind of in danger.

Harry: *is still grinning stupidly*

Arthur: I'm not joking, bitch.

Harry: *grin slowly fades*

~Holy shit, they're Tent 17,342. That's a lotta tents.~

Filmmakers: So this is the chapter that was rewritten thirteen times to get it absolutely perfect, you say? Awesome! Let's skip most of it!

WTF Trio of HOLY FUCKING SHIT: *immediately cluster together as usual*

Arthur: Get back the portkey, everybody, and stick together!

All the kids: WHERE THE FUCK'S THE PORTKEY?

Arthur: Fred, George! Ginny is your responsibility because obviously she can't possibly look after herself and the other three are clearly way more advanced then her despite having only one extra year of schooling!

Fred and George: M'kay.

Arthur: GOOOOOOOOO! *takes out his wand to actually do something*

Ron and Hermione: M'kay.

Harry: Hang on, my jacket's falling off, just let me adjust that as well as stare stupidly at the fiery explosions of death, destruction, and chaos.

McGonagall: BOOM.

Hermione: HARRY! MERLIN YOU'RE STUPID—wait, where's Ron?

Harry: Coming, coming, hang on…

Death Eaters: Isn't it clever how we basically look like Klansmen to show how we're in favor of supremacy for a specific type of being, only we're wearing black instead of white? We're positive that this outfit will be in no way censored in subsequent films!

Harry: What's with the Ominous Latin Chanting?

Death Eaters: Shut up, it sounds menacing.

Ron and Hermione: *somehow run into the twins and Ginny* CLING TO ME, MY BELOVED!

Harry: AAAAAAH, BAD TOUCH! SOME WEIRD HAND I DON'T KNOW IS GRABBING ME!

Wizarding World: Wait, there are about seven of them and hundreds if not thousands of us, and most of us have wands. Um…WHY THE FUCK ARE NONE OF US THINKING ABOUT FIGHTING BACK?

Harry: I appear to be considering it, actually—

Hermione: HARRY!

Harry: I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! AND I CAN'T HELP IT IF SOMEONE ELSE IS DRAGGIN ME AWAY!

Hermione: HARRY! WE HAVE TO GO BACK FOR HIM!

Ron: ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN? IT'S ALL WE CAN DO TO STAY TOGETHER! I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUT WE HAVE TO LOOK AFTER OURSELVES NOW!

Hermione: Bugger.

Harry: I'll have to catch up to them later, when I'm not dodging fiery balls of death.

McGonagall: BOOM.

Death Eaters: We sure are lucky that no one's thinking of using magic to put out the fires or to fight back or anything!

Harry: I usually would, but right now I just seem to be set on running. Iunno.

Someone random: *knocks Harry over*

Harry: How the hell did I not get trampled to death?

Random running people: WE HAVE NO IDEA.

Different random person: Imma kick your head in, though, hope that's all right.

Harry: No, fine, go right ahead.

Different random person: Aw, thanks so much! *bashes Harry's face in with a steel toed boot* What a nice boy that was…

Harry: HEY I'm unconscious.

Random running people: We're gonna conveniently run over your comatose body instead of stepping on you and/or tripping over you to our own probable deaths. Damn, kid, you have the weirdest luck ever.

Filmmakers: Ain't that the truth! See, look at him! Look at how unconscious he is! Isn't that hysterical? We're gonna linger on this for awhile while everyone else screams in horror around him, I'm sure those guys are fine.

~Is anyone else weirded out by DEATH EATERS just leaving the fucking BOY WHO MIRACULOUSLY SURVIVED THIS FRANCHISE alone like that? They should've kidnapped and tortured him, at least, what the fuck?~

Moony: Damn it, why is the moon always full during movies, why?

Audience: Oh great, now we get to see the scores of dead bodies from different countries strewn about the deserted, smoking camp grounds. You know, for kids! Hey, who put the fires out, anyway?

Barty Crouch Jr.: Can't believe they didn't invite me to the reunion. *kicks chair*

iheartmwpp: Did that help?

Crouch Jr.: Yes.

iheartmwpp: Did that hurt?

Crouch Jr.: Yes. Ow. *shoves something into a dying fire* Morsmordre!

Dark Mark: *is admittedly pretty awesome and badass*

Crouch Jr.: Oh, look at that! I am very good! *grins widely*

Harry's legs: *twitch*

Harry: *regains consciousness and sits up, looking at some mysterious, tall, thin man in a Badass Longcoat that in no way resembles anyone on any television show anyone's ever seen*

Crouch Jr.: Hello! Sorry. Bit of a rush, there's a sort of…thing…happening. Very important that I…stop it.

Harry: That's nice, I'm just gonna run in the opposite direction, hope you don't mind. *gets to his feet and runs in the opposite direction*

Ron: I'm shouting my best friend's name, the name of the Boy Who Somehow Survives Everything Despite The Fact That He Should Really Have Died By Now, with no thought whatsoever that there might well still be Death Eaters lurking about! Hooray!

Harry: Hang on, let me duck behind a tent, be with you in a sec.

Ron: Or, you could come over to us now, we're kind of supremely worried about you.

Hermione: What he said. And I also seem to have thrown caution to the winds, kind of rare for me.

Crouch Jr.: Oh, I was never here. Don't tell anyone.

Harry: Oi! Get back here!

Crouch Jr.: Have you looked in a mirror lately? Why would I wanna face that? Hmm?

Harry: Grr…

Crouch Jr.: Listen, listen. Gotta dash. Things happening. Well...four things. Well...four things, and a lizard. *leaves*

Harry: What an eccentric performance.

Ron: Now, I'm a bit confused here. Did Hermione and I just break away from the twins and Ginny to come looking for you on purpose, did we get separated by the angry mob, did we actually all make it to the portkey but Hermione and I stayed behind, were we also knocked unconscious, how did we get away from any overage wizards who should've prevented us from going, even if it was just the twins, what the hell are we doing here? Still, it's good to see you're okay, thought we lost you. Also, I'm so glad I got a chance to show concern for you instead of Hermione taking all the credit.

Hermione: Indeed, I'm just clinging to Harry's arm in silence, makes for a nice change, really.

Harry: Thanks, guys, I appreciate it. Now what the hell is that thing in the sky?

Ron: Wha—Oh, that thing.

Hermione: This does not bode well.

Harry: OH GOD THE AGONY.

Ron: Oh not this shit again.

Ministry workers: *Apparate into existence* STUPEFY!

Harry: GET DOWN!

Arthur: STOP! THAT'S MY SON! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY! *shoves a guy the fuck out of his way*

Ron: Wow, he really does care!

Arthur: Ron! *glomps Ron* Are you all right? Oh, you two. Same question.

Ron: Sorry, Dad, we somehow managed to come back for Harry. Or something. I really don't know.

Barty Crouch Sr.: Fess up, I know one of you assholes did it!

Arthur: You've got to be shitting me—

Crouch Sr.: Don't make me laugh! I've seen amputations with more all around entertainment value! *pointing his wand in the faces of three rather small fourteen-year-olds* You've been discovered right under where the evil thing of evil was cast and stuff!

Harry: Evil thing of evil? What the hell are you talking about?

Arthur: Barty, I know that in practically any other situation, especially knowing these three, the excuse that they're just kids wouldn't cover anything at all, but clearly they don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Crouch Sr.: Holy cricket…*bursts into song* You're Harry Freaking—

Innocent Trio of We Really Didn't Do It This Time: OH GOD WE KNOW SHUT UP.

Harry: Now if you could get back to the elaborating, that'd be great.

Hermione: It's the Dark Mark, Harry, it's his mark. *sees Crouch Sr. eyeing her* I just read about it in The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts, I don't actually know how to conjure it!

Crouch Sr.: Uh-huh, sure.

Harry: What, Voldemort's mark?

Ministry workers: *shockingly don't react to him using the name besides looking up at the Dark Mark again*

Crouch Sr.: Hey look, you can see my face clearly for the first time.

iheartmwpp: I've read a lot of parodies and talked to a few people on this site and others that insist that David Thewlis had a Hitler moustache in the previous film. I'd like for all of you to take a break from reading for a moment, and Google an image of Hitler. Take a good, hard look at his moustache. Now take a look at a picture of David Thewlis's portrayal of Remus Lupin from Prisoner of Azkaban. And finally, take a look at a picture of Roger Lloyd-Pack's portrayal of Barty Crouch Sr. from this film. One of them does not belong in this group. You decide. (Hint: IT'S DAVID THEWLIS YOU IDIOTS. If anything, Remus had a porn-stache. Especially in AVPS, good God Brian Holden. *drools*)

Harry: So…those evil bastards trying to kill people and blow shit up and got away with no repercussions whatsoever, they're totally Voldemort's followers, aren't they?

Arthur: Yep. And nothing's changed at all, I can tell you that. *turns to fellow Ministry workers* Death Eaters, I exposit to people who so clearly know what those bastards are called it's not even funny. No, really, it's quite horrifying.

iheartmwpp: What I want to know is how you lot made it through three books without once mentioning that term, you'd think it'd be just a little important.

Crouch Sr.: I suppose a comment about crashing the party would be appropriate at this point. AHAHAHA.

Harry: *aside* He's not well, is he?

Ron: No, not really, no.

Crouch Sr.: I am not a lunatic! I have the psychiatric reports to prove it!

Harry: …

Crouch Sr.: Welp, best get on with the search and stuff.

Harry: Um, I saw a man before. Over there-ish.

Crouch Sr.: Right, well, even though said man's had loads of time to Disapparate by now, let's try to chase after him anyway!

Ministry workers minus Arthur: WHEEEEEEE!

Arthur: So who was the mysterious person you saw?

Harry: I dunno. I didn't see his face. And chances are very high that I couldn't've put a name to the face even if I did see it. Though I did notice that he was quite tall, incredibly thin, had pretty good hair, and was wearing a Badass Longcoat, but that could be anyone, really.

Ron: Cool. Hey, let's all stare up at the green screen until the filmmakers tell us to stop.

~Several hours later…~

Ron: Oh come on!

Dark Mark: *managed to get the snake to tie itself into a knot. How it will reverse this effect is anyone's guess*

~Still trying to wrap my head around Ron actually doing things in this film, I'm used to Hermione stealing every chance at being Harry's friendly-friend.~

Review or Death Eaters will start blowing all your shit up.


	3. Teh WHY WON'T THE STUDENTS STOP MOVING

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, something funny my friend said one time, Pirates of the Caribbean, Rocky, Doctor Who, The Hunger Games, Young Frankenstein, Alice in Wonderland, the Marx Brothers, Vicar of Dibley, Mulan, and Rifftrax.

~TRAAAAAAIIIIIINNNN. Yes.~

Trolley lady: Anyone want assorted candies that will keep everyone bouncing off the walls and full of energy that I'm sure no one will try to disburse through hexing or dueling?

Dark Mark: Aw, now I'm black and white, what the hell.

Hermione: Oh look, my hair is perfectly parted and gorgeous, a few light curls about halfway down, and I seem to have decided against having bangs. Wonder if this'll continue on for the rest of the films or if it'll ever go back to being canonically bushy.

Trolley lady: Any young health nuts that sincerely wished I had anything other than pure sugar?

Ron: Huh, I'm actually reading for once, what's wrong with me—Noms? I want noms!

Harry: As do I, hang on, let me get some money out of my bag.

Ron: What are you, an idiot? What if you lose your bag or it gets stolen, keep your money with you in a pocket or something at all times like any sensible person!

Trolley lady: I'm a lot older than I was three years ago.

Audience: Wow. Another cast change. Shocker.

Ron: Some gum that'll barely tie me over, and some RED VINES.

Trolley lady: Here's your gum.

Ron: Thanks…*checks money* On second thought…just the gum, thanks.

Harry: Ron, it's RED VINES, I don't mind paying for it.

Ron: Don't worry about it.

Harry: …Dude, I bought all the candy on our first trip here, you didn't complain then.

Ron: Look, I can't keep mooching off you, I won't be able to pay you back for years, maybe not even then, and I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of you.

Harry: But you're not, I'm happy to—

Ron: And that just makes it worse and you should leave it alone.

Hermione: Apparently I'm starving myself.

Harry: Fine, more candy for me, whatever.

Cho: Two Pumpkin Pasties, please.

Harry: Oi, I was here firs…uh…

Cho: …

Harry: …

Cho: …

Harry: …

Cho's friend: So punch drunk is supposed to be a term for really smashed, but it sounds more like someone punched you until you were drunk. Like some kind of miracle involving a liquor bottle and violence.

Cho: …Yeah, we're gonna go.

Trolley lady: Anything sweet for you, dear?

Harry: Yeah, but she just walked away—OH you meant candy! Um…nah, I'm watching my weight.

Ron: *snorts* You weigh nothing, mate.

Harry: Shut it, you. *sits back down*

Hermione: This is horrible.

Harry: Oh suuuure, just because it doesn't work out in the end—

Hermione: I'm not talking about your first crush, I'm talking about the shit that went down at the World Cup.

Harry: Ah.

Hedwig: I'm still in the franchise!

Crookshanks: Holy shit, so am I! WHAT IS THIS MAGIC.

Pigwidgeon: Where the hell am I? Uncool, guys, uncool.

Hermione: But honestly, how can the Ministry not know who conjured the Dark Mark? I mean, it's like they're completely useless or something!

Harry: In the very unlikely chance that they're even competent, it's entirely possible that someone Apparated to the spot, cast the spell, and then Disapparated before he could get caught.

Hermione: But there should've been charms to protect against that, or at least some kind of security.

Ron: There were loads, apparently, according to Dad anyway. 'Course, we really didn't see any evidence of that in this version, otherwise the Ministry would've started looking through the burnt campgrounds for all the dead corpses people trampled over instead of only showing up after the Mark had been cast, but there were supposedly still a lot of people doing things. Which is why everyone's freaking out, since it happened right under their noses. I seriously doubt Britain's going to be hosting the World Cup again any time in the near future.

Harry: Ow-face.

Hermione's eyebrows: It's hurting again, isn't it? Your scar.

Harry: Despite the fact that you clearly just saw me rubbing at it, I'm going to deny everything.

iheartmwpp: And here we go, the moment where we are all permanently distracted by the eyebrows from here on out. I mean, look at them here! Three in one take!

Hermione: Hang on, let me lean in mysteriously so you can better hear my eyebrows.

Hermione's eyebrows: You know Sirius will want to hear about this, even if he's really not in a position to be doing much of anything and I should really be nagging at you to tell Dumbledore about what you saw at the World Cup and the dream. He could actually do something about it, at least, even if it's to tell you to piss off.

Harry: Which is why I'm definitely going to tell Sirius now, he'd actually tell me shit.

Ron: I dunno…

Harry and Hermione's eyebrows: Shut it, you.

iheartmwpp: I'd suggest another drinking game every time Emma's eyebrows go crazy like that, but we'd all be dead within seconds. So instead I'll just keep a count. For the next three films or so. Right now, the grand total is four. I shall keep you updated as the film progresses.

Harry: *addresses envelope presumably containing letter Hermione nagged at him to write…Whatever book he's using as a flat surface, I want it, that design looks awesome*

Audience: Yes, please make it more obvious that you're writing to an escaped convict.

Hedwig: Wow, you're actually using me for once, too! This movie's totally awesome! WHEEEEEE! Oooooh, pretty waaaaateeeer….

~Later that afternoon…They usually arrive at Hogwarts in the evening, what the hell, the Sun's still up.~

Book readers: Huh, they're at Hogwarts already? Well, they do have to condense the crap out of this one, so I suppose it's okay…

Flying horses: *are there*

Beauxbatons students: ZIS IS NOT AS FUN AS IT LOOOOOOOKS! *carriage gets dragged around like…something that's being dragged*

Hogwarts students: WE'RE RUNNING AROUND IN THE CLOISTERS IN MUGGLE CLOTHES FOR SOME REASON EVEN THOUGH WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WEARING ROBES TONIGHT AND SHOULD'VE CHANGED ON THE TRAIN!

Flying horses: *are still there*

Hagrid: 'S funny 'cause I'm supposed ter be like those folks at a Muggle airport or summat. Also apparently Hogwarts has a runway. Wait, who the hell am I shouting ter, anyway?

Harry, Hermione, Fred, George, Ginny, and Nigel: Duuuude.

George (I think…These guys are around A LOT this film…): You'd think we'd be more used to weird-ass shit going down annually, but I guess it's a bit too early for that.

Ron: Harry, get your head out of the way, I'm not as tall as I am in canon and I can't see!

Nigel: Who the hell am I and what am I doing here?

Harry: Hugh Mitchell hit a growth spurt, remember? I think you're basically a combo of Colin and Dennis or something.

Nigel: …Okay…

Ship rising from the Black Lake: Insert obvious Pirates of the Caribbean reference here.

iheartmwpp: I are confuzzled. The Black Lake, if that is its name, isn't an ocean, it's a freaking lake. How did the ship actually manage to get into a cut-off body of water like that from wherever Durmstrang is supposed to be? Oh, wait, let me guess, magic, yeah, yeah, but there still have to be rules about this kind of thing!

Dumbledore: We're apparently still doing the creepy voice-over things from the last film, but since no one cares about the Sorting anyway, I'd like to go ahead and skip to the main plot of the film with an announcement.

Rifftrax: I have a badger underneath my robes.

Dumbledore: AM I SHOUTING LOUD ENOUGH? CAN EVERYONE HEAR ME IN THE BACK?

Filch: *starts running up the great hall*

Rocky theme: *starts up*

Ron: Dear God I'm bored.

Neville: Me too—Huh? What's Filch doing?

Ginny: …OMFG I'M WEARING A PONYTAIL. HOW THE CRAP DID THAT HAPPEN. Also I still look like I'm ten.

Padma: Against all odds and everything canon, I appear to be in Gryffindor.

Filch: Snort.

Dumbledore: What the hell is going on?

Ron: …Why has Dumbledore pinned a piece of celery to his cloak?

Harry: Probably so iheart can insert more really lame jokes and references and crap.

Hermione: …So she's just sticking in a reference to the Fifth Doctor, whose episodes she's never seen in her life, just for the sake of a couple of throwaway lines from that one Comic Relief special when the Fifth and Tenth Doctors met up that one time?

iheartmwpp: Pretty much, yeah.

Hermione: Oh. Okay then.

Filch: Murmur murmur murmur.

Nigel: I apparently just got sorted. Wonder which House I'm in.

Dumbledore: *whispering* Tell them to wait. Tell them to wait. Tell them.

Filch: MREEEOWWW! HISSS!

Hagrid: I'm talkin' with Flitwick in the background.

Filch: *runs back down the great hall*

Rocky theme: *is still playing*

Dumbledore: ANYWAY! Hogwarts has been chosen to host a legendary event, and by it having been chosen I mean that it's always been us and the same other two schools who compete in this thing.

Head table: *now has two tables, one in front of the other to accommodate all the extra people, half of which won't even be in the movie*

Dumbledore: So yeah, the Triwizard Tournament's happening this year. And stuff.

Fred and George: Sweet.

Angelina: Oh look, I've been recast. Shocker.

Fred and George: Sweet.

Dumbledore: Now for those of you who were raised by Muggles, the Triwizard Tournament brings together three schools, who watch one of their students compete against each other and face certain death for their own amusement. Sort of like the Hunger Games, only with a slightly higher survival rate, though not by much.

Hermione: Holy shit, this is a bad idea!

Dumbledore: Now let me make this quite plain. If you are chosen, you are all on your own, completely cut off from everyone around you and it is forbidden to accept help from others. Note that this is the rule most frequently broken in the entire Tournament and I don't even know why I bothered mentioning it. But if you're complete chicken shit, I'd recommend not participating, since even though students might be amused by your pants-wetting terror, usually they're more entertained by at least a little effort.

Snape: Why am I standing at the back of the hall instead of sitting down?

Dumbledore: But who cares about how everyone might possibly die horribly! Instead, let's drag in the foreign guys who one of you will be forced to compete against! YAAAAAY! First up, the lovely ladies from the Beauxbatons Academy of Magic—

iheartmwpp: I don't speak a word of French, but practically everyone I know who does or did tells me he pronounced it wrong. As I probably would've pronounced it exactly the same way as he did, I'm taking their word for it as I can barely pronounce most English words.

Dumbledore: —And their headmistress, Madam Maxime.

iheartmwpp: So…I'm just get this out of the way now. Beauxbatons is an all-girls school in the film, while Durmstrang is an all-boys school. Erm…I'm confused. Dumbledore specifically said in canon that the reason those two schools and Hogwarts competed in the Triwizard Tournament was because they were the three largest Wizarding schools in Europe. How can Beauxbatons and Durmstrang be so large if only one sex is allowed to attend? In the book, both schools were described as co-ed, albeit at different points. But back to the film version of things, what kind of education does the opposite sex get in those respective places, anyway, do the French wizards have to now go to a different Wizarding school entirely and are the witches in wherever Durmstrang's located so repressed that they aren't even allowed an education? The changes this film makes raise a lot of questions. Hell, another one is whether this was just to create some huge double standard where the Hogwarts males would be considered perverts for checking out the Beauxbatons girls, while the Hogwarts females could fangirl over the Durmstrang boys without restraint.

Beauxbatons students: * walk forward a few steps before extending an arm, closing their eyes, and sighing in one of the House tables' general direction*

Heterosexual Hogwarts males and the vague possibility of homosexual Hogwarts females: …Okay, that was a bit weird. What, is sighing like that supposed to make you more alluring or something?

Heterosexual Hogwarts females and the vague possibility of homosexual Hogwarts males: Yeah, that kind of looked fucking stupid.

Beauxbatons students: *ignore them, take four or five steps forward, and do it again, pretty much right at Seamus, Ron, and Harry*

Ron: For some reason, this actually works. Also I'm apparently an ass man.

Camera: YAY BOUNCING FEMALE ASSES!

iheartmwpp: Ohhh, so that's why all the Beauxbatons students are women. FOR FANSERVICE!

Parody readers: Well?

iheartmwpp: …Well what?

Parody readers: Aren't you gonna get pissed off on behalf of your sex or something?

iheartmwpp: Naah, I'm too used to anime forcing in panty shots for no reason, this is so comparatively tame that I'm not going to complain at all.

Beauxbatons students: *skip forward slightly, before sighing dramatically again, and posing in a manner I assume was meant to be sexually alluring, while butterflies randomly fly out of their cloak-type-things and burst into flames. Then they start walking in front of the head table*

Madam Maxime: *appears to be taller than Hagrid*

Cedric: I seem more interested in the French headmistress than I am in the actual beautiful French students. No wonder most of the fandom thinks I'm gay.

Guy sitting next to him: Or Hufflepuff males in general are turned on by women who can kick their asses.

Seamus: I don't think it's just Hufflepuffs, I seem a bit turned on as well.

Gabrielle: Why am I even 'ere this early on?

Fleur: No idea. I'M A BALLERINA!

Her fellow students: I wonder if her posing in the center of all of us is indicative of anything.

Gabrielle: Also we're apparently the only ones who bowed.

iheartmwpp: Huh, their hats really do look like breasticles.

Book readers: Wait…That's Fleur? I mean…she's okay, a good sight better than Madam Rosmerta last film, but she's not…Well, she's just not as gorgeous as we were expecting. No offense, Clémence, but, you know, book descriptions and all that.

Movie watchers: Hey, they lingered on her face longer than any of the others. Will she be involved in the Tournament?

Book readers: God fucking damn it.

Ron: Huh, I'm supposed to be the one who immediately develops an obsession with the woman who will eventually be my sister-in-law, but right now I seem bored and am only clapping because everyone else is. What's up with that.

Harry: No idea, nor do I know why I'm the one currently giving a kind of standing ovation with a stupid-ass grin on my face. I fancy Cho, what the hell?

Seamus: I'm totally with Harry on this one. *whistles loudly*

Hermione: Aw man, the man of my dreams has been distracted by the sexy.

Ginny: Tell me about it. Therefore, they must die.

Hermione: Who, the men of our dreams or the sexy?

Ginny: Exactly.

Hermione: …

Madam Maxime: My students, zey are very beautiful, no?

Dumbledore: Yeah, sure. Now let me kiss your hand and give you a very weird nod-type-thing.

Rifftrax: I will now fight the big lady to the death!

Dumbledore: WOULD ALL OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP. Cool, now we can greet our friends from the north…What, are they from Iceland or something, that's practically all that's above us. Unless you mean generally, which might imply the school's located in Russia or something, which would make sense given the uniforms and the fact that they accept people from Bulgaria, which is…still kinda far away. Though the Harry Potter Wiki wants them to be from either Sweden or Norway, so now I'm just confused.

Harry: I'm still too distracted by the sexy, what were you saying?

Ron: The other school's here.

Harry: Oh.

Durmstrang students: *come in, beating their staffs on the floor and shuffling them from hand to hand, not even breaking formation as they walk around Filch and chanting and stuff. It's as if they know that the Bulgarian Quidditch Theme from earlier in the movie is playing while they're doing it*

Flitwick, Snape, and McGonagall: Are they the kind of old-fashioned wizard that uses a staff instead of a wand or something?

Durmstrang students: *bang their sticks some more, so sparks fly out of the bottom*

Filch: *is very scared that one of them might bash him with their sticks*

Guy in front: *sets his staff down and starts running forward; guys behind him hold onto theirs but keep running*

Hogwarts students: Okay, this is a way better opening show thingy.

First guy and two others: *flip around and stuff for the teachers while the rest just kind of line up*

Movie watchers: So the first guy's gonna get picked for the Tournament, right?

Viktor Krum: *enters the great hall*

Movie watchers: …Never mind.

Book readers: Yes, please make it more obvious…actually JKR kinda did that as well in the book, nevermind.

Ron: OMFG I AM SUCH A COMPLETE FANBOY I WANT KRUM'S BABIEZ.

Hermione: Oh come on, he's just a Quidditch player.

Harry: Gilderoy Lockhart.

Hermione: …Shut up.

iheartmwpp: …Actually, yeah, I am gonna complain. WHERE IS THE DURMSTRANG STUDENTS' ASS SHOT. Come on, at least do it properly so the filmmakers don't come off as a bunch of perverts by portraying the decidedly French women as sex objects, especially since that could come off as prejudiced as well as sexist. Give something to us perverted ladies as well! We do exist, you know, fanfiction should kind of gotten that across by now. Make both sexes into sex objects, that's all I'm asking for.

Two Durmstrang students: *blow fire out of their wands*

Dumbledore: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS MY BEARD.

Two Durmstrang students: …Oops.

Karkaroff: *walks up, looking incredibly pissed off, with the only other Durmstrang student who gets a decent amount of screentime…Who the hell is that guy, anyway?*

Dumbledore: I wanna hug!

Karkaroff: The things I do to keep up impressions. Anyvay, hi, Alboos!

Dumbledore: 'Sup, Igor? *prounounces it "Ee-gore"*

Karkaroff: No, it's pronounced Eye-gore.

Dumbledore: …But they told me it was Ee-gore.

Karkaroff: Vell they vere wrong then, veren't they?

Dumbledore: Okay ANYWAY! *turns to his own students* Hogwarts! Let's entertain our guests in the best way we can which is really, really sad when you think about it.

Durmstrang students: Um, ve're still standing here.

Dumbledore: That's nice for you.

Hogwarts students: *burst into song* Hogwarts, Hogwarts, hoggy-warty Hogwarts…

Book readers: OMFG IT'S THE SCHOOL SONG!

Hogwarts students: *sing in harmonies and everything, as if they planned this whole thing…even though Dumbledore still has to provide sing-a-long lyrics. Um…*

Daniel Radcliffe: One-way ticket to singing on Broadway, here I come!

Krum: …This really sucks hippogriff balls.

Crabbe: *is amusingly really into this* This is so awesome, isn't it?

Malfoy: Yeah, sure, whatever. Why am I even humoring you?

Beauxbatons students: Why are we even 'ere?

Hogwarts students: *are now waving their hands in the air like complete idiots. Britain's finest, ladies and gentlemen!*

Dumbledore: Well that wasn't embarrassing in the slightest.

Book readers: …Yeah, not worth it whatsoever. Honestly, we're glad that was cut.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Puddle: OW IN THE FACE.

Moody: You haven't got a hot dog in there, have you, I'm starving.

Lightning: *strikes…OMINOUSLY*

Thunder: *is heard…OMINOUSLY*

Movie watchers: Oooooh, is he the villain?

Book readers: God fucking damn it.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Karkaroff: Hey man, vat's up?

Snape: Don't talk to me.

Maxime: Professor Dumbly-dorr, my horses 'ave travelled a long way, and made all of my students violently airsick while doing so. Zey will need attending to and stuff.

McGonagall and Crouch: Since when did we get along so well?

Dumbledore: Not a problem, I'll get Hagrid to do it for me.

Hagrid: 'Ello!

Madam Maxime: FYI, Monsieur Hagrid, you 'ave to let zem drink se 'ardest liquors imaginable.

Hagrid: Awesome. *stabs his fork into Flitwick's hand*

Flitwick: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! OOOOOOOOOWWWW! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Hagrid: Oh, sorry 'bout that, Professor—

Flitwick: I'M BLEEDING PROFUSELY!

Hagrid: Oi, there's no need ter kick up such a fuss—

Flitwick: I THINK YOU SMASHED MY METACARPALS!

Hagrid: Eh, jus' go ter the hospital wing, yeh'll be fine.

Flitwick: I WILL MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!

Random wizards: Apparently we're just here to bring in the giant gold cake thing, we'll leave now.

Filch: Meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow, prrrrrr.

Mrs. Norris: Translation: Yes, yes, go! And never darken our towels again!

Dumbledore: EVERYONE SHUT UP! Merlin, how many times do I have to tell you people? *goes and stands next to the giant gold thing* I'd like to say a few words. A few words, ha ha, oh boy, that never gets old.

Rifftrax: Tungsten and squirrel. Thank you.

iheartmwpp: How is it that Rifftrax's portrayal of Dumbledore is perfectly in character, and yet Michael Gambon, the guy the filmmakers are paying thousands to get it right, messes it up so badly?

Dumbledore: *puts his hand on the gold thingy so he doesn't fall over* Eternal glory. That's pretty much the only prize you get for winning the Tournament in this version, apparently we've gotten rid of the thousand galleon prize money because who cares.

Neville: Now I'm sitting over by Dean.

iheartmwpp: Aaand now I want cake and ice cream and stuff.

Dumbledore: In order to win, however, the winner must survive three tasks. Three. Extremely. Dangerous tasks.

Fred and George: Sweet.

Hermione: And now I'm sitting next to Angelina, what happened to Ginny?

Dumbledore: For this reason, the Ministry has actually done something responsible for a change. I know, I know, hard to believe, but there it is.

Moody: Again, the Trophy Room has no known exit, how the hell did I get through here?

Dumbledore: However, I really don't feel like explaining all the technical shit, so instead I'll have one of the Department heads, Mr. Bartemus Crouch—

Crouch Sr.: It's Bartemius, you twat. Says so in the book, Moody says it later, it's even spelled right in the fucking subtitles, learn to fucking pronounce!

Moody: Well that's never gonna happen.

Ceiling: *starts acting up, with the lightning and the thunder and the deaths of the students*

Crouch Sr.: I'm confused, I thought it was just a ceiling made to look like the night sky, not behave like it!

Movie watchers: See? More thunder and lightning, proof that this guy's evil!

Book readers: Sigh. Never thought the filmmakers could be more obvious than they were about Lupin being a werewolf last film.

Seamus: And I've migrated from being next to Ron to being next to Hermione.

Moody: Zot.

Ceiling: *instantly clears up to reveal a night sky…so does that mean the weather outside cleared up as well? Can wizards actually do that?*

Harry: My eyes hurt.

Ron: Even though iheart tries to not have me say it too often, this is like the third time I've said bloody hell this film. Do we need another count or something? Oh, and that guy's Mad-Eye Moody.

Hermione: Alastor Moody? The Auror?

Dean: My balls finally dropped!

Ron: Dark wizard catcher. Half the cells in Azkaban are filled, thanks to him.

Harry: Does that mean he helped put Sirius away?

Ron: No idea…Don't think so, though, they seem on decent-enough terms next year. He's supposed to be mad as a hatter, though, these days.

Hermione: How would wizards know about that decidedly Muggle expression?

Harry: Lewis Carroll might've been a wizard, you don't know.

Moody: I'm staring directly at the camera.

McGonagall: I feel distinctly uncomfortable for some reason, even though I also should've known him for some time now.

Moody: Uhh. She's as clever as me. Almost.

Moody's Mad-Eye: *zooms in on Harry*

Movie watchers: Yep, definitely evil and out to kill Harry. Shocker.

Metal leg: *is metal. Not wood, metal*

Dumbledore: WAZZUP, mah home-dawg? And thanks for fixing the ceiling and apparently the weather, by the way.

Moody: Oh, basic atmospheric excitation. Huh…*takes a close look at Dumbledore's outfit* Brave choice, the celery, but fair play to you, not a lot of men can carry off a decorative vegetable.

Dumbledore: Oh piss off.

Moody: M'kay.

Harry: Please let this guy be just as awesome as the last one instead of being completely incompetent or, Merlin forbid, evil.

Ron: Wait, who even said he'd be the new Defense professor? I mean, I know it does seem kind of obvious, but Dumbledore never said anything.

Moody: *tries to be discreet with his drinking habits but only ends up being even more obvious*

Seamus: What kinda booze d'you think he's drinking?

Harry: Dunno, but I doubt it's butterbeer.

Moody: Blearg.

Dumbledore: *turns to Crouch Sr.* So you gonna give them the lecture or not? I warmed them up for you and everything.

Crouch Sr.: Thanks! Appreciate it! You loathsome lump of manure! *turns to the students* Now, this Tournament is going to be much less deadly than previous ones were. No, with this one, there's an absolute minimum of sickening violence.

Raven Wolfmoon: What's with that thing he's doing with his hands? Is it something he does often, as an actor, or something?

iheartmwpp: He never had that problem on Vicar of Dibley.

Raven Wolfmoon: …Well then that's just stupid.

Crouch Sr.: However, there is still every chance that the contestants will suffer horrific deaths or at least partial disfigurement; that's where the small amount of sickening violence comes in. Therefore, the Ministry's decided to actually be slightly responsible for once, and make it so that only responsible adults – that is, those over the age of seventeen – will be allowed to participate so we don't get sued by the parents of the kiddies.

Fred and George: Oh come on! We wanna die horribly in front of a large crowd of people, what gives?

Eleven through sixteen-year-olds: *voice similar profound concerns*

Crouch Sr.: *eyeroll* Could we get on, I've got a worrying feeling in my colon.

Dmbledore: FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, SHUT THE FUCK UP. GOD, WHY DO NONE OF YOU OBEY AUTHORITY FIGURES ANYMORE. THIS IS WHY WE SHOULD STILL ALLOW PARENTS TO HIT THEIR CHILDREN, THEN MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, THEY WON'T GROW UP THINKING THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING. I MEAN, HAVE YOU SEEN SNOT-NOSED LITTLE BRATS THESE DAYS, THINKING THEY'RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE, IT'S SICKENING! AND THEY NEVER. FUCKING. SHUT. UP. EVER.

McGonagall: …Think I should probably start forcing him to take those meds.

Hermione: That went well.

Dumbledore: Now then. *uses his WAND to melt the golden cake thing, revealing a massive wooden cup thing*

Ginny: Holy crap, they're acknowledging my existence by having me have a reaction shot…Wait, wasn't I just sitting next to Hermione, when did I migrate over to Parvati?

Padma: I should be in Ravenclaw.

Guy sitting in front of Madam Maxime: My jowls are very surprised by the sudden appearance of blue fire hovering over the massive wooden cup thing. Just who the hell am I, anyway, am I supposed to be Ludo Bagman or something, some random extra judge or teacher? WHO AM I WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MY EXISTENCE I WANT PUDDING.

Dumbledore: The Title of the Movie.

Fleur: I am getting more screentime. Wonder if zat's important.

Roger Davies: *is sitting rather close to Cho…Is it just to give him some screentime so Fleur's date isn't completely random even though it still kind of is?*

Gabrielle: I still don't know why I'm 'ere.

Dumbledore: Anyone with a death wish need only write their name on a piece of parchment and watch it burst into flames as you try to put it into the Goblet.

Ron: I've got a death wish!

Harry: I don't, actually, I want at least one decent year, and since last year I still had dementors trying to suck my face off, I think it'd be nice if someone else risked their necks this year while I watch and point and laugh.

Dumbledore: And I do mean parchment, not lined paper, that's for Muggles. Not any of that recycled crap either, we're wizards, we do it old school. AND ABSOLUTELY NO CUPCAKE WRAPPERS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Ron: Who spit in his bean curd?

Cedric: I am getting more screentime. Wonder if that's important.

Moody: That is enigmatic. That, that is textbook enigmatic.

Dumbledore: I kid around and stuff, but seriously, do not put your name in the Goblet unless you've finalized your last will and testament. As from this moment, the actual movie has finally started.

~Aaand the camera goes closer and closer to the fire before bursting into flames, and the entire filming process is set back several weeks and many thousands of dollars.~

Review or Mad-Eye will CHANGE THE WEATHER ON YOU!


	4. Teh DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER THING DOES

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Doctor Who, the Nostalgia Chick, Raven Wolfmoon, Eddie Izzard, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Film Brain, or Rifftrax.

~From the view of the Durmstrang ship, it kinda looks like the great hall is on fire.~

Karkaroff: Behold, I am a pointless red herring even though the filmmakers totally make it obvious who the real bad guy is so I have no idea what they're playing at!

iheartmwpp: I just had a thought. Maybe he's just ensuring that Krum gets picked or something. Hell, maybe the Doctor Polyjuiced himself again, in case he got caught Confunding the Goblet. Iunno, I'm just throwing theories out there.

Karkaroff: I stare menacingly at the camera. Also I'm wearing a thimble. FEAR ME AND MY CLOSING DOORS OF EVIL!

Book readers: Actually, since we don't personally know any of the people you probably tortured and/or killed and the most we've seen you do was turn in your fellow bad guys, which we're really kind of cool with, we don't really have that much of a problem with you. 'Sides, you'll turn up dead soon enough.

iheartmwpp: Thanks for having a random cameo in Book Six so you could give us that information, Moony!

Remus: It was my pleasure. Besides, I probably had to attend at least one of Harry's birthdays, especially since Sirius never got to.

iheartmwpp: Aww, you're sweet. Now be in the series more often.

Remus: Hey, I don't write 'em, I just exist in 'em.

~A BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT.~

Moody: Alastor Moody.

Class: No kidding.

iheartmwpp: There appear to be giant glass spoons in Mad-Eye's classroom for some reason. Um…

Raven Wolfmoon: He uses them for eating his cereal. More fatal means more fun!

Moody: Here, let me write my name on the board for you for some reason. Anyway, I used to be an Auror, I despise the Ministry for some reason, can't think of any right now but you know, and now I'm teaching. I had a passing fancy, only it didn't pass, it stopped. 'S good, isn't it? I'm gonna wind up soon, but not before I make a few strange noises with my mouth that will go somewhere along the lines of bingle bongle dingle dangle, yikkity-doo, yikkity-da, ping pong, lippy-tappy-too-ta.

Lavender: You're completely mad!

Moody: You're right, I look daft with one shoe.

Class: …

Moody: No one's running or screaming or freaking out. That's a change. Anyway! When it comes to the Dark Arts, I believe in a practical approach.

Ron: Hey, so did Lupin, this year's gonna be totally awesome!

Harry:Then why am I still weirded out beyond belief?

Ron: Eh, probably just the usual effect he has on people.

Seamus: You can actually see me fiddling with something in the background.

Moody: But first, which of you can tell me how many Unforgivable Curses there are?

Audience: Merlin's ruptured kidneys, those are a lot of magnifying glasses. Why's he need them hanging from the ceiling?

Hermione: *apparently not even bothering to raise her hand anymore* Three, sir. *blinks rapidly*

Moody: Correctomundo! A word I have never used before and hopefully never will again. And why are they called that?

Hermione's eyebrows: Because they are unforgivable.

Students: No. Seriously, the audience isn't that dumb, the hell are you playing at?

Hermione's eyebrows: The use of any one of them will—

Moody: —Will earn you a one-way ticket to Azkaban, correct. Unless of course you're actually part of the Ministry, in which case you can really do whatever the hell you want. Which would really suck if there was a spy in their midst. The world became a bit less kind in the old days. Think how bad things can possibly be and add another suitcase full of bad. *writes UNFORGIVABLE on chalkboard…and a smiley face*

Hermione: What is with DADA professors asking us questions and then just answering them themselves, isn't the whole point of asking us meant to be to let us answer?

Ron: You mean to let you answer.

Moody: Now the Ministry thinks you're too young to see what these curses do, but what do they know, I mean, just look what they have set up for you next year. Talk about dumbing down. Don't they teach recreational mathematics anymore? Besides, some foreshadowing is in order. You need to know what's coming later in the movies, you need to be prepared… *goes to doodle a Dalek fighting a Cyberman on the chalkboard*

Seamus: Imma hide this now.

Moody: You need to find another place to put your dead corpse of a strangled giraffe wearing a pink bow covered in radishes in a Ferris Wheel made of peppermint besides the underside of your desk, Mr. Finnegan!

Seamus: Whoa, no way! The blithering idiot can see out of the back of his head!

Book readers: And it can see through Invisibility Cloaks…such as the one that Death itself supposedly couldn't see through. So apparently…Mad-Eye's Mad Eye pwns death? HOLY SHIT THAT'S AWESOME.

Moody: *throws a Sontaran at him* AND HEAR ACROSS CLASSROOMS!

Ravenclaw behind Seamus: Oi, that hit me, you asshole!

Harry and Ron: …Fun times.

Moody: So, which curse shall we see first, then? WEASLEY!

Ron: I don't have to go to the bathroom anymore.

Moody: Stand, bitch!

Ron: M'kay.

Moody: Now give us a curse, and don't give me that lame joke where you use a swear word instead, I want an actual Unforgivable.

Ron: My eyes appear to be the green that my best mate's eyes are supposed to be in this light. Oh, and the Imperius Curse, my dad told me about it.

Moody: *nods so much his head nearly comes off* Your father would know all about that. It gave the Ministry quite a bit of grief a few years ago.

Obsessive fans: Yeah, can we hear about that event, plz k thx.

Hermione: God, I can't believe that he's actually teaching these things to other students. I'm the only one who's allowed to know everything, me! Also this is kind of against the law-ish, and I still have a modicum of faith left in the system for some reason, so this is bad. I mean, we're all way too young to be knowing about these courses. Which is of course why I totally looked up these curses some time ago and have probably known for years.

iheartmwpp: So not only was Mad-Eye digging for worms, which…why would he be doing that? But he's also COVERED IN BEES!

Moody: So. Right. *opens lid* 'Ello! *, picks up weird-ass spider-lobster-combo-thing-dude-guy-place* Yes! You look lovely! NOW COME ON! Engorgio.

Audience: ENOUGH WITH THE GIANT SPIDERS ALREADY!

Moody: Imperio. *starts to maneuver the spider thing around in a way more akin to wingardium leviosa than anything else. I mean, the spell is about gaining complete control, but over the mind, not forcing it to fly everywhere. I think a better method would've been if Mad-Eye'd cast the spell and no longer pointed his wand directly at the spider, and if the camera'd focused on the spider actually jumping around instead of floating*

Neville and Dean: NOT THE DESK.

Crabbe: Where'd I get a ring and why would I be wearing it—OH GOD NOT THE FACE.

Moody: Yeah, don't worry about it.

Padma: I should be in Ravenclaw—OMFG SPIDER.

Parvati: Oh no. Let me flail my arms weakly in your general direction. Maybe that will do something.

Moody: No, but really, it's…fine.

Spider thing: And now I'm just hovering over this kid's head, furthering the theory that Mad-Eye's levitating me more than anything.

Ron: Oh great, more Nightmare Fuel for me. Brilliant, as if I didn't get enough from Aragog or the boggart. Is this just gonna be some yearly thing or what?

Malfoy: Lawl.

Moody: Ho, you are brilliant, you are! *makes spider thing go onto his face instead*

Malfoy: *high-pitched squeal*

Goyle: MY FLAILING IS SLIGHTLY MORE COMICAL!

iheartmwpp: I wonder, is Draco arachnophobic as well, or is that a natural reaction for anyone who suddenly finds themselves with a huge-ass spider on their face?

Harry: *claps like a toy monkey thing, complete with symbols*

Moody: And you decided to scream.

Malfoy: It took me by surprise!

Moody: Like a little girl?

Malfoy: A huge-ass spider thing was on my face!

Moody: Nine, maybe ten years old. I'm seeing pigtails, frilly skirt.

Spider thing: Wheeee. This is fun.

Moody: She's all right, but I think I'll have to trade her in, d'you need anyone? She's very good at tea. Well…I say very good, I mean not bad. Well…I say not bad.

Moody: Anyway, what should I make her do next? Make her smash herself into one of my Giant Spoons of Death?

Spider thing: *gets smashed into one of his Giant Spoons of Death*

Parvati: Oh snap.

Padma: I should be in Ravenclaw.

Moody: Observe as I make her hover over a bucket of water, because of course I couldn't be able to do that normally. Honestly, you all learned this in your first year, you barely need a refresher course under a different name.

Spider thing: *is now in his hand again*

Moody: Scores of witches, and wizards I suppose as well since I appear to only count them as an afterthought, wow I'm sexist, claimed they only did The-Not-Quite-So-Undefeated-Anymore-But-Never-Mind's bidding under the influence of the Imperius Curse. Problem is, most of them are just using that as an excuse to stay out of Azkaban. 'Cause that's all the Imperius Curse is, cheap bit of voodoo. Scares the pants off you, but that's as far as it goes. It's like hypnosis. You can hypnotize someone to walk like a chicken or sing like Elvis, you can't hypnotize 'em to death. Survival instincts, too strong.

Hermione: Um, no, you actually can force people to kill themselves if you use the Imperius Curse on them.

iheartmwpp: Shut up and let me make references.

Moody: Now, for the next curse, I'll give you a fiver if you can tell me what the hell it is, 'cause I haven't got the foggiest.

Hermione: *isn't even bothering to raise her hand*

Ron: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?

Neville: *hesitantly raises his hand*

Moody: Longbottom, is it?

Neville: *neither confirms nor denies*

Moody: Just stand there, 'cause I'm gonna…hug you, is that all right?

Neville: …Suppose so.

Moody: Here we go. Coming in. *hugs* Also I heard you were good at Herbology. This is in no way foreshadowing anything that happens later, I'm just spewing out random facts for no particular reason. Heh heeeeh, talk too much, that's my problem.

Neville: Th-There's the, um…the Cruciatus…Curse.

Moody: Oh yeah, that one. Nasty. Catch your breath, don't go swimming for half an hour. Now come and watch me perform it on this helpless spider!

Neville: …I assume you know my backstory?

Moody: Yeppers!

Neville: …Then you'll understand that I kinda don't wanna watch this.

Moody: Indeed I do! But, since I'm also one of the ones who helped make your backstory what it is today, you'll of course understand that I still want to make you suffer just that little extra bit, because I can.

Neville: Oooohhh, okay then, sure.

Moody: Now, here we go. The Torture Curse. One that I take quite a bit of pleasure in, myself.

iheartmwpp: Isn't it particularly charming that Barty Crouch Jr. was put in charge of these small children, one of them including the child of the Aurors he tortured into insanity, and demonstrated the spell for him and everything?

Neville: No not really, no.

Spider thing: *is screaming in agony*

Rifftrax: For the love of God, arachnids don't have vocal chords! How am I screaming?

Hermione: STOP IT! CAN'T YOU SEE IT'S BOTHERING HIM, STOP IT! Hell, it's probably bothering me. And the rest of the class. But they're not as important as the Almighty BAMF so they don't count.

Moody: Oooh, I'm sorry, I really am, I'm so sorry. Was having too much fun, got caught up in the memories.

Spider thing: Please tell me I die soon.

Neville: Well that went well.

iheartmwpp: …What? You try to make this scene funny.

Moody: Okay, moving on. *plops the spider thing on Hermione's desk* Wanna tell us the last one?

Book!Hermione: *automatically answers the question*

Movie!Hermione: *is actually mindful of Harry's feelings and shows some semblance of tact by refusing to answer*

iheartmwpp: *prefers the film version, for once*

Moody: Oh, how rubbish is that? Sorry, no offense, but come on! *points wand at spider thing* Avada kedavra.

Spider thing: Oh I am slain!

Harry: *is wearing a blank expression that I assume is supposed to convey his sudden understanding of how his parents died, but he could be thinking about what he's gonna have for dinner for all we know*

Ron: That's unfortunate.

Hannah Abbot: Wow, I'm back in the films again, holy crap.

Hermione: …Yeah, I wanted Harry to not find that out, at least not in a crowded classroom with everyone staring at him.

Harry: If you had known about it, you could've told me so we could've, Iunno, avoided this?

Moody: So yeah, that's the Killing Curse. Don't know if you could've figured that out from the spider being dead and everything, but there you go. Only one person is known to have survived it, and all he got was a lousy nickname. *stands menacingly over Harry* Hi. You survived, then.

Harry: My expression should be slightly more horrified, but it isn't.

Moody: Shamble bobble dibble dooble. *sticks out his tongue rapidly and takes a drink from his flask*

Harry: I do look convincingly curious if nothing else, though.

Moody: I can guarantee you, everything's fine.

Class: Riiiiiiight.

Ron: I don't believe you!

~And apparently class ended immediately after that. Or something.~

Ron: Well that was fun, as I show how oblivious I am to others' situations and somehow merely not noticing how I'm affecting people means I'm tactless. You'd think that Hermione'd be grateful that I'm actually interested in schoolwork for once, but noooo. Still, despite the apparent madness and how we all want to piss ourselves in terror whenever we see him, that was still a really interesting lesson. It shows that he's actually been out there, fighting evil and stuff, and is all the more badass for doing so. Which would be cool if I'd been talking about the real Mad-Eye, but how am I supposed to know the difference.

Hermione's eyebrows: Yeah, but those curses are Unforgivable. I really think we should've waited till our sixth year like everyone else, I don't care if we're foreshadowing crap for later in the movie. I mean, did you see Neville's face?

Harry: Situational awareness, bitch, he's right behind you.

Hermione: Well, least I tried to be tactful this time.

Ron: Even I look sympathetic.

Hermione: …Neville?

Moody: Blimey, I'm busy. *shoves Ron out of the way* Son? You all right?

Neville: …

Moody: I just want you to turn around. Face me.

Neville: *turns and nods feebly*

Moody: Come on, we'll have a cup of tea. I want to show you something.

Book readers: NO DON'T DO IT! YOU'RE NOT BADASS ENOUGH YET!

Neville: M'kay.

Hermione's eyebrows: Huh, that was weird. Maybe he wanted to apologize or something.

Sad Stain Glass Man: *has a couple raindrops fall from his eye as though they were tears*

Film Brain: SYMBOLISM!1!&!PASTRAMI1!1

~I gotta stop watching really, really awesome reviews and shit.~

Hogwarts students: OH GOD NOT THE RAIN! IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! IT FREEZES!

iheartmwpp: Pussies.

Rifftrax: Thank you for entering, unnamed characters! Hey, don't call us, we'll call you.

Neville: *is already breading the book Crouch Jr. gave him. He may have tortured Frank and Alice and caused one of the most tragic events in the entire septology, but at least he's furthering the kid's education*

Hogwarts students: *clapping madly* Come on, Cedric! Put your name in! What's the worst that could happen?

Cedric: Well when you put it like that, why not? *puts his name in*

Ron: I love how we're all standing in awe of people putting their hand perilously close to an open flame.

Harry: Indeed, let us continue to encourage such retarded behavior.

Cedric: I FOUND that to be totally awesome!

Hogwarts students: *applaud wildly*

Ron: *holds his hand up to high-five the guy, then remembers that he barely knows him and is also kind of unpopular despite his status as the Boy-Who-Really-Couldn't-Care-Less-About-His-Fame's best friend, so he lowers it in awkward embarrassment*

iheartmwpp: …Oh my God, it's a male, red-haired, adorkable version of me!

Cedric: *glomps his friends for some reason. Yeah, I totally do that every time I buy a raffle ticket. Wait, no I don't. That's fucking stupid*

Ron: Eternal glory, not to mention the prize money they didn't bother to mention in this version. I'd love that kind of thing, since even with our yearly saving the world/country/your godfather shtick I still feel inferior and unloved compared to the rest of my siblings.

Harry: Yeah, rather you than me. Which should be a bit of a hint that I don't put my bloody name in.

Ron: Don't you lecture me on my irrational jealousy and self-esteem issues! And why not, anyway?

Harry: Hey, eternal glory? I've already got that. And besides, Neville would be a great champion—

Ron: No, no, I do not want Shlongbottom to be my champion.

Fred and George: Make way, make way, sheer awesomeness coming through.

Hogwarts students: YAY, WE TOTALLY GET TO SEE THESE GUYS TRY AND FAIL!

Rifftrax: Hooray, this somehow warrants applause!

George: We did it, y'all!

Fred: Isn't it great when potions only take a few hours as opposed to a month?

Hermione's eyebrows: *sing-song voice* It's not going to wo-ooork!

Fred: O RLY?

George: And what makes you so clever?

Hermione's eyebrows: Only everything canon ever. And besides, do you not see what Dumbledore cooked up? It's a piece of bullshit magic made so only overage people can get over it. Also Dumbledore made it.

Fred: Your point?

Hermione's eyebrows: *scoff* My point is, *slams the book she's predictably reading on her knee, dislodging the kneecap; also her eyebrows scoff again* Dumbledore would've thought of this, an Aging Potion is too stupid to even try.

Fred: Which is exactly why we're testing it.

George: Yeah, it's probably so obvious and stupid that it slipped Dumbledore's frail, stoned mind.

Hermione: …Okay, when you put it like that…

Twins: *stand up on spontaneously existing bleachers*

George: Ready Fred?

Fred: Ready George.

iheartmwpp: Merlin's carpal tunnel syndrome, I was right? Holy crap muffins, I was just guessing this whole scene! Sweet.

Fred and George: *do that weird arm-link thing some people do in films when they drink; does that ever happen in real life? Oh, and then they jump into the glowy circle thing. And stuff* BOO-YAH.

Hogwarts students: Ho yeah, if this works, I'm totally trying it too. *applaud wildly*

Fred and George: *slip their names in* AAAWW YEEEAAAH. *high five of awesomeness*

Goblet of Fire: Yeah no.

Fred and George: *are sent flying*

Harry: Holy shit, did that thing just set them on fire?

Twins: Nah, it just made us grow beards and shit. We're gonna fight now.

iheartmwpp: Oh God. The subtitles. One of the twins said, "I'll tear your ears off!" Oh God, total bonus points if it had been Fred saying that to George.

Hogwarts students: BEST. ENTERTAINMENT. EVER.

Ron: I seem strangely into this, you'd think I would've got bored with it at home. Then again, they don't seem like they fight all that often, so who knows.

Hermione: Fighting is so barbaric. I'm going to go back to reading this book about war.

Twins: WE'RE STILL SHOUTING NONSENSE!

Hogwarts students: Yeah, Krum just walked in, and as we all have ADHD we're gonna pay attention to him now.

Karkaroff and that other guy who follows him everywhere: Ve seem to be following Krum everyvere.

Krum: Blink.

Hermione: *looks him up and down*

Krum: *puts his name in while staring at Hermione*

Hermione: Oh my. *blushes*

Ron: In my fanboy-ified state, I have noticed nothing.

~The current eyebrow count for this film is twenty-five.~

Review or Mad-Eye will levitate a massive spider thing ON YO FACE!


	5. Teh WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH DUMBLEDORE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Doctor Who, The Vicar of Dibley, Kickassia, TheBunnyOfDeath, Katy Perry, or Rifftrax.

~We now return you to the Giant Clock Tower of When The Fuck Did They Get A Giant Clock Tower.~

Rifftrax: Attention viewers. It is now twelve o'clock, and very shortly, we will be starting the movie.

Students: So why are half of us at tables and the other half on bleachers, shouldn't it be one or the other? Also there are a crapload of us and we're all crowding everywhere.

McGonagall, Snape, and Crouch Sr.: GET THE FUCK OUT THE WAY.

Dumbledore: Everyone sit down and shut the hell up.

Harry: *sits between Dean and Seamus and near one of the twins*

Hermione: *sits behind Harry on bleachers*

Ron: *sits behind Hermione and to the left on the last row of bleachers with Neville*

iheartmwpp: …Did they have an argument even before the names got chosen, what's with the seating arrangements here? I mean, I know they get along with the other boys in their year, but they still usually sit together. I try to sit with my bestest friendly-friends if they're there, does not compute.

Dumbledore: Now the moment you've all been waiting for. Especially me, I seem particularly enthused by this. Just listen to me, hear how excited I am about this. It's so awesome. Whoop-de-freakin'-doo.

Film Brain: I'm so excited! Are you excited? I'm excited! EXCITED!

That twin who was sitting next to Seamus: *IS SUDDENLY SITTING NEXT TO HIS TWIN AT ONE OF THE TABLES AT THE OTHER END OF THE GREAT HALL. THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE*

Ginny: *is sitting at that same table, I think next to Nigel* Check it, I'm wearing pigtail braids in this scene. I'm so adorable.

Dumbledore: Stop complaining about seating arrangements, are we gonna get to the Champion Selection or not? *raises his arm and moves it around the great hall, extinguishing lanturns*

All of the students: *are majorly impressed for some reason, even though this kind of thing has been happening their entire lives or at least Hogwarts careers*

Harry: Still with the wandless magic? I thought we gave that shit up.

Dumbledore: I have pretty rings. Also I must apparently touch the Title of the Movie for it to work.

Harry and Seamus: WE ARE IN TOTAL AWE.

Hermione: I have knees.

Dumbledore and Durmstrang students: *stare blankly at Goblet for several minutes*

Goblet of Fire: BLUE FIYAH THEN RED FIYAH THEN BLUE FIYAH.

Dumbledore: I SAID PARCHMENT, NOT A PIECE OF BARK, WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE. Also Viktor Krum.

Audience: Wow. Shocker.

Krum: Woot.

Krum's classmates: Ve seem far more excited than our actual champion.

Karkaroff's aide person thing: *hits Krum on chest with fists. Um…do straight guys do that?*

Dumbledore: I'm shaking your hand and patting your arms and sending you over to the trophy room with no known exit. There is no escape.

Krum: …Good to know…?

Harry: What's with my expression, I look incredibly worried for some reason.

Goblet of Fire: MOAR BLUE FIYAH THEN RED FIYAH THEN BLUE FIYAH.

Dumbledore: I. Said. No. CUPCAKE WRAPPERS. I warned you about this, you stupid, ignorant, ridiculous child! What have you done? WHAT IS THIS?

McGonagall: Dude. Chill.

Dumbledore: …Ah. Right. Sorry, sorry. I should probably stop eating so many PSPs in my spare time.

Students: …

Dumbledore: …So yeah, Fleur Delacour.

Audience: Wait, who was that?

Fleur: *stands up to general applause*

Audience: Oh her, right. Shocker.

Dumbledore: Weird how you're the only one whose arms I don't grab or anything.

Goblet of Fire: WHY ARE YOU NO LONGER SHOWING MY BLUE FIYAH THEN RED FIYAH THEN BLUE FIYAH.

Dumbledore: Ah, finally, someone who actually uses parchment. And that student is…CEDRIC DIGGORY!

Audience: Wow. Shocker.

Cedric: Well I don't FIND this surprising at all.

Students: Woooo! Here, have more applause than anyone, even that really famous Quidditch player from earlier! That makes perfect sense!

Dumbledore: You also get a handshake! *slaps him on the back and sends him face-first into the floor*

Cedric: Ow.

Harry: I look mildly stoned.

Seamus: *whistles*

iheartmwpp: Seamus has rings! Why does everyone suddenly have so many rings?

Sauron: Iunno.

Cedric: *is so popular, he stops to shake other people's hands before he goes in to the room of no return. What a nice guy. I hope nothing bad happens to him during the Trounament*

Dumbledore: EXCELLENT! *spins around with his arm outstretched, thwacking several people in the face*

Random students: Dude, what the hell, you just hit us in the face!

Dumbledore: Heh heh, yeah I did!

Random students: …I am now afraid for my life.

Dumbledore: Anyway, we now have our three champions, and absolutely no one is surprised at the outcome. But in the end, you're all winners—HA! Could not keep a straight face with that one! Because, as a very old friend of mine once took a very long time to explain, life isn't fair. Therefore, only one of these kids will be able to presumably be a thousand galleons richer, and be remembered for ages to come which is exactly why we never mention previous winners of the Tournament throughout the entire series and barely mention this year's Tournament after the book's over. Also they get this shiny cup thing. Aren't they special.

Crouch Sr.: Bloody Olympics. You're a tit short of an udder, you are.

Dumbledore: Just pull the thing off the thing.

Crouch Sr.: That's what she said. *pulls the thing off the thing*

Students: Oooooh, shiiiiiiinyyyyyy…

Snape: …The fuck?

Dumbledore: Whut you talkin' bout, Snape—Oh, that's weird.

Goblet of Fire: I AM STILL BLUE FIYAH but I seem to be feeling a bit odd.

Dumbledore: What are you doing. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Goblet of Fire: AND NOW I AM RED FIYAH.

Dumbledore: And now I am blind.

Karkaroff: This is my "Grr" face.

Piece of paper: *bursts into song* Do you ever feel/Like a plastic bag/Drifting through the wind—

Students: Hell to the no.

Dumbledore: I SAID NO LINED PAPER—Wait, this says Harry Potter.

Movie watchers: Wow. Shocker.

Students: Lyke no wai.

Dumbledore: Harry Potter? Is there anyone with that name here, I seem to have forgotten.

One of the twins: AND NOW I'M BACK OVER HERE AGAIN. THIS IS TOTALLY POSSIBLE.

Seamus: Glare.

Harry: …This is not happening. *sits down, attempting to hide behind Dean*

Hermione's eyebrows: I've just realized what he said, and I am in shock. See, look at my face, this is my horrified face.

Hagrid: This isn' happenin', there's jus' no way.

Dumbledore: HARRY POTTER!

Harry: I'm in total disbelief.

Hermione: *rips his arm out of his socket* Go on, Harry.

Harry: But I didn't put my name in, I have no idea what's going on.

Hermione: That doesn't matter, your name still came out and he called you up, therefore you have to go up, it's the rules.

Ron: My head itches.

Harry: …Yeah, on second thought, maybe I should stay back here and try to plead my case, maybe if I don't go up at all and refuse to cooperate they'll see that I want nothing to do with the Tournament—

Hermione: YOU'LL GO UP AND YOU'LL LIKE IT. *shoves Harry to the floor*

Harry: Ow.

Ron: …Every time. Every time something happens that I want to do or something appears that I want to have, Harry always fucking gets it. The Nimbus 2000, the Invisibility Cloak, the Firebolt, a place on the Quidditch team, my siblings' respect, my mother's affection, everything goes to him. And now this. I wanted to be in this Tournament, he has enough eternal glory. I will never get to have or do anything as long as he's around. Fuck it, I'm done with this shit.

Dumbledore: I'm staring blankly at you.

Harry: Cool, I'm totally doing the same thing.

Dumbledore: Here, have a thingy.

Harry: As long as the dramatic music can start up once I take it.

Dumbledore: Naturally.

Harry: What, no handshake or pat on the arm? Fuck you, then.

Students: Murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur tuna salad murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur…

Random Ravenclaw: I have a spot on my face.

Random voice: Wait, is this even allowed?

Other random voice: Yeah, you said that no one under the age of seventeen would be allowed to compete, wouldn't he be disqualified automatically?

Other other random voice: There are four champions! How can it be a Triwizard Tournament with four teams?

Harry: I'm with that kid, but I'm not going to say anything in my own defense due to me being shocked by something extraordinary happening to me. Like it does every year and practically every week. Yeah, on reflection, I probably should've seen this coming. Must lick lips.

Snape: Oh my. Well isn't this curious. The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I have a well-known grudge against is suddenly in a Tournament where he may very well lose his life.

iheartmwpp: Raven and I thought that the woman on the far right's hat was on fire, but then we realized that it was just the lantern placed directly behind her.

Jowl Man: *folds his arms and scowls disappointedly at Harry* My jowls are most displeased by this shocking turn of events.

Movie watchers: It's really not that surprising, though. The title is Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Obviously his name was going to come out of it, it doesn't take a freaking rocket scientist to not figure it out.

Book readers: *eyes shifting back and forth* R-Right, we totally didn't see it coming either, right, sure, exactly, it's obvious…right…You know what, shut up!

Harry: …Excuse me.

Snape: Huh? Oh, right, go on then.

McGonagall: Since Remus isn't here this year, I guess I'll be the only teacher who gives a crap about your existence.

Harry: Thanks, Professor, that truly means a lot to me.

Random people who are there for apparently no real reason: We are shocked and appalled at what has just occurred here.

Karkaroff: "Grr" face.

Moody: There's more at work tonight than you and me.

Harry: Well I know that these guys have my back, except for the part where they don't at all…Well that gate thing isn't terrifying in the slightest. I seem to be a bit numb. Maybe this is all just a bad dream, I'll wake up tomorrow wondering what the hell Seamus put in my food, that'd be nice…Okay, it's a freaking Trophy Room, why is there a fireplace? I guess it renders all our comments about there being no escape irrelevant, considering you could easily use Floo Powder, but I still don't see a back door anywhere—OOOOOOoooooohhhh, shiiiiiinnyyyy…

Fleur: Zis over 'ere is also shiny, no?

iheartmwpp: Someone just called Madam Maxime a French tart. TRULY THIS TOURNAMENT IS MEANT TO BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER!

Cedric: Shiiiiiny—Wait, what?

Krum: Shiiiiiny—vait, vat?

Moody: Apparently my theories are getting rejected. Frankly, you smell.

Dumbledore: Oddly enough, I'm unable to think with over ten people shouting directly in my ear. So if you could all kindly shut the fuck up for a few minutes, that'd be great.

Crouch Sr.: I haven't heard a racket like that since I caught that cow in the shredder.

Cedric: Harry, what're you doing here?

Harry: Bugger if I know.

Dumbledore: HARRY!

Harry: *is backing up very rapidly* Oh God he looks pissed, oh God, he's gonna kill me, Voldemort'll never have a chance, please God take me now—

Dumbledore: HARRY!

Maxime: I protest zis next scene! Quite 'eavily!

iheartmwpp: Aww, this is exactly how I always picture Dumbledore. With his face lovingly contorted in rage…wait, what?

Book Five Dumbledore: *gets incredibly angry when someone grabs one of his students and shakes them roughly*

Film Four Dumbledore: *IS CLEARLY TRYING TO STRANGLE HARRY. MICHAEL GAMBON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THIS BELOVED CHARACTER. FILMMAKERS, PLEASE REPLACE DUMBLEDORE AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE THE CHARACTER.*

Dumbledore: DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME INTO THE GOBLET OF FIYAH?

Harry: *IS CHOKING TO DEATH while also being repeatedly slammed into the trophies behind him. He should've contacted Sirius, had them sue or something* Profess…sor…can't…breathe…please…

Dumbledore: DID YOU ASK ANY OF THE OLDER STUDENTS TO DO IT FOR YOU?

Snape: Oh sure, just tell him a definite loophole that all the students could've exploited so he can spread that around and they'll be kicking themselves all year for not thinking of something that simple.

Harry: *IS STILL CHOKING TO DEATH* Please…I…can't… *makes a strangled noise. BECAUSE HE'S BEING STRANGLED*

iheartmwpp: I'd like to take this opportunity to advertise The Fury of Dumbledore by TheBunnyOfDeath. It's in my favorites and it is brilliant. Rated T for cruelty to animals. (And yes, I'm perfectly aware that he really only grabs Harry by the shoulders and shakes him violently, like he protested Umbridge doing in the books, but it's still ridiculously OOC and, let's face it, the strangulation meme is just too much fun.)

Dumbledore: *loosens his hold a little* Sorry, missed all of that, what?

Harry: *is coughing and gasping for air* I…didn't…put my…name in…

Rifftrax: All right. Must have been a mistake. Who's for Quidditch?

Maxime: *shoves a lamp out of her way to remind us that she's tall* I call bullshit.

Dumbledore: Oh, look at you, looking all tough now.

Moody: A footprint doesn't look like a boot. The Goblet of Fire is an exceptionally powerful magical object. Only a really, really powerful Confundus Charm, or a shitload of firewhisky, could've made it go berserk enough to do it.

Cedric, Snape, and Crouch Sr.: We're glaring.

Dumbledore: …I just realized that I nearly killed the pig I'm raising for slaughter. Whoop-si-doodle.

Moody: This is stellar! This is…This is magnificent! And I don't often say that 'cause, well…'cause I'm me. And seriously, a fourth year could never have done that, I don't know why we're all still accusing him.

Snape: Then again, the Patronus Charm is supposedly far beyond the talents of a third year, and yet…

Harry: Oh would you just use Legilimency on me like I'm sure you usually do, I didn't bloody do it!

Karkaroff: *shoves Harry and Dumbledore out of the way* The irony of the situation is that you're probably telling us exactly how you managed to hoodvink it by using an exceptionally powerful Confundus Charm. That is brilliant.

Moody: I know! Oh, right, in character. Erm, remember how you were a dark wizard and I had to think like you in order to catch you and stuff?

Dumbledore: Was that a sort of threat-y thing?

Karkaroff: Yah rly.

Moody: Oh, nothing to worry about, I'm, I'm sure you've got nothing to hide. Now do yourself a favor. Get out.

Dumbledore: And now I'm pissed at everyone in the room. Yeah, this is totally canon. *shoves Karkaroff out of the way*

Karkaroff: Meep.

Moody: That told him! *wide grin*

Maxime: But zen 'ow did Potter get 'is name in?

Moody: Um…Well…Basically…Sort of…Not a clue.

Karkaroff: And here I thought it vas once your job to think as dark vizards did. You fail.

Moody: Well…Myeah, that's a small problem.

Dumbledore: Hey Barty, you figure it out.

McGonagall: I was here the whole time, what the hell, why don't I have any lines?

Crouch Sr.: Unfortunately, I've not come across a case where there's a fourth champion until now, you sniveling little git.

Dumbledore: Oh just figure it out already.

Crouch Sr.: Fine, fine. Well, despite the rules saying that there can only be three competitors, the Goblet of Fire also constitutes a binding magical contract.

Dumbledore: Meaning what?

Crouch Sr.: Whosever's name comes out of the Goblet has to compete or the results would be bad.

Dumbledore: …What do you mean bad?

Crouch Sr.: Well…Try to imagine your entire life stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

Dumbledore: *gasps* A total plutonic reversal!

Crouch Sr.: Yep! And considering we have no idea what an actual canonical magical contract is like, if it straight-up kills you or takes away your magic or puts some kind of curse on you, let's just go with that.

Dumbledore: *grumbling* M'kay.

Crouch Sr.: *eyeroll* Was he grateful? No he was not! The bearded prat!

Dumbledore: Oh get on with it.

Crouch Sr.: Oh fine. Bottom line, instead of doing the smart thing and just cancelling the Tournament, we're gonna make a scared little boy a champion and have him face certain death for our twisted entertainment.

Harry: …Mummy…

Karkaroff, Snape, McGonagall, Maxime, Dumbledore, Moody, and Crouch Sr.: *stare at the growing wet patch on his leg*

Harry: …Can you guys stop staring, it's a bit weird.

~Instead of the Whomping Willow, this film's transitions largely consist of shots of significant parts of the castle. Again, I kinda like 'em, I love looking at Hogwarts.~

Dumbledore: *is bending over the Pensieve* I think I'm gonna hurl…

McGonagall: Oh come on Albus, we need to stop all this. It's clear that shit's going down. First the Dark Mark, now this?

Dumbledore: What do you expect me to do about it?

McGonagall: Um, first, figure out what the actual meaning of a binding magical contract is, find a loophole, and exploit it so that Potter doesn't compete! Or, failing that, cancel the fucking Tournament, that should be easy at least! Why are we not even considering that?

Moody: If you don't do what she says, you're really in trouble. Not from me, from her!

Dumbledore: Shut it, both of you. You heard Barty, the rules are clear.

McGonagall: …Dude. Fuck that shit. You always ignored the rules, you never cared before! I mean, you let a freakin' werewolf come to school and later hired him, no one else does that! You're usually so epic, is this another change you made when you spontaneously changed your entire appearance and personality?

Moody: He's just trying to figure things out on his own as usual, since aside from Granger he's the only one allowed to do that. "Hey, I'm Dumbledore, I can save the universe with a kettle and some string! And look at me, I'm wearing a vegetable!"

Dumbledore: Oh yeah, I still am, aren't I. *takes off celery and eats it*

Moody: …Right then.

Snape: Headmaster, I don't really get what the fuck's going on either and agree that these events are really fucked up. However, if we're ever gonna find out what the crap is going on, perhaps we should…for the time being…

Rifftrax: Get…funky?

Snape: …sit back and watch and see what happens? After all, that's worked out so well over the last three years, no one nearly died or almost lost their soul or anything.

McGonagall: Oh hell no, I want to actually be useful and trustworthy, we never do that, and by the time we do it's too late. I fucked up once three years ago, I don't want to do it again! It's like you're raising Potter like a pig for slaughter or something!

Snape: Well I wouldn't go that far—

Dumbledore: OKAY moving on. Anyway I'm with Severus.

McGonagall: *huffs* It's because I have fallopian tubes, isn't it?

Snape: Probably.

Dumbledore: No, not really, actually. It's not a plan. I don't get anything from it. It's just that I don't care. I'm not like you. I don't even want to be like you. I don't and never ever will CARE!

iheartmwpp: This, like a few other of Dumbledore's lines this chapter, is from the Doctor Who episode with the Eleventh Doctor called "A Christmas Carol" which actually guest stars Michael Gambon. And it seems to describe Dumbledore to a T from the third film and on except for the really clean King's Cross bit in Film Eight where he finally starts being tolerable. Honestly, the only difference I saw in the two characters was that one of them had a beard.

Dumbledore: Alastor, stalk Harry all year, would you?

Moody: Of course. Far as I know, this year, nothing to worry about.

Dumbledore: Keep up our streak of withholding vital information that'll make him less worried, though, we wanna keep him in as much of a panic as possible. Now, off home and pray for a miracle, considering we actually know what's coming up in the tournament and that he's basically fucked. *takes out a memory and puts it in the Pensieve*

McGonagall: *raises her arms in exasperation* Why do I even bother with you morons.

Thunder: *is heard…OMINOUSLY*

Pensieve: Hey, remember that time when Harry Potter's name was picked out of the Goblet of Fire? Good times, good times…

~Did no one check to see if that was even Harry's handwriting?~

Harry: This is why we have four-posters. So we can lean against them and be emo. Also my hair seems to be slightly shorter whenever we do the dorm scenes.

Ron: We have towels and now I must dry them. Hey Harry, how did you manage to get in, anyway.

Harry: …Wha?

Ron: Oh, nothing, it doesn't matter how you did it I guess. It's just…Well, you knew I wanted to be in it, so it would've been nice if you had told me so I could've at least had a shot at getting in, you know? I'm your best friend, you could've told me.

Harry: What the fuck are you talking about?

Ron: What do you think I'm bloody talking about.

Harry: …Did you not hear me saying how I didn't want to be in it? I mean, just think about it for a second, Ron, you're an idiot if you don't realize the truth.

Ron: *gets under the covers* Yeah, that's me. Ron Weasley, Harry Potter's stupid friend. That's all I'm ever known as. Hermione's the smart one, I'm the dumb one. That's all half the fandom ever sees us as. Honestly, is there even a point to my character? I'm just good for comic relief now, that's practically it.

Harry: *turns to Neville and Seamus* Are you guys hearing this?

Seamus: So how did you do it anyway?

Harry: *roars in aggravation*

Neville: *raises hands* Hey, I'm staying out of this.

Harry: *gets up and goes over to Ron's bed* I didn't put my name in that cup, Ron. I don't understand why you don't believe me, I've never lied to you before, and except for some details about my childhood and the Sorting Hat I've never kept anything from you either, I don't know why you're acting like this. And I don't want to be famous, either, I never wanted that, don't you know I'd trade every ounce of it if it meant I could see my parents one more time? I was looking forward to this being a semi-decent normal year at Hogwarts, but even that gets taken away from me. Hell, forget this year, I'm the one who wants to be…

Rifftrax: A decent accordion player.

Harry: …Look. I don't know what happened tonight, and I don't know why. It just did. Okay?

Ron: …Yeah, that sounded extremely homoerotic, and I'm rather uncomfortable with the way this conversation is going. I'm not saying I'm not okay with it if you are gay, but I'm not, so I'd appreciate it if you would direct your feelings elsewhere. *turns so he's lying on his side with his back to Harry*

Harry: Wha…That's not what I meant to say at all!

Ron: *doesn't answer*

Harry: I don't believe this! *goes back to his own bed and gets under the covers*

Ron: *turns around briefly* Piss off.

This insult: *is quite lame when you think about it, I think Steve Kloves was really struggling to make this seem like an actual fight. Still, it appeared to have the proper effect, Rupert put enough venom in his voice for me to still hate this scene because damn it, they're supposed to be bestest friendly-friends, this isn't cool!*

Harry: *takes off glasses* Oh it's on now. *lies down and probably stared at the top of the canopy all night panicking about the Tournament with no one to offer any comfort whatsoever*

Ron: …He's probably telling the truth about not putting his name in, but I'm still too jealous to want to talk to him right now.

~WAAAAAAAAAAAH MOMMY AND DADDY ARE FIGHTING MAKE THEM STOP.~

Review or an extremely out of character Dumbledore will strangle you.


	6. Teh THANKS FOR NOTHING, SIRIUS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Anchorman, or Rifftrax. And…that's it. Weird.

~The next scene opens with a camera flash—OH GOD MY EYES!~

Rita Skeeter: *after she's done hacking up a lung from the smoke* Well aren't you all cheerful even though it couldn't be plainer that you were all just smiling for the camera.

Harry: Yeah, I'm just going to keep mostly hiding behind my future sister-in-law, kthxbyz.

Cedric: Least we get to miss classes, eh? So how are you feeling today?

Harry: Oh, you know, just trying to…stay positive.

Cedric: Well good. I'm happy to FIND you in good spirits.

Krum: Vy do ve have to be standing vile Fleur gets to sit?

Fleur: Because I 'ave fallopian tubes and cannot possibly stand for more zen deux minutes.

Rita: Hello!

Champions: …We've been here for quite a while while Bozo's been setting up the shot. Hell, you probably helped him set up the shot and made us get into these positions. Basically, we've known that you were there for quite a while, so you introducing yourself like this is preeeetty stupid and unnatural.

Rita: That's nice. *shakes Cedric's, Harry's, Krums, and Fleur's hands* I'm Rita Skeeter, I write for the Daily Prophet, I'll be making a blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo in Film Seven, and my subplot has been cut from the movies. But of course you know all that, don't you, as obviously the Daily Prophet is the only wizarding newspaper ever so of course the students from two very different countries would've heard about it. But enough of that crap, I'm here to interview you and stuff. It's you we don't know, even though people should already know all about Krum and it's actually quite shocking that no one has thought to interview the fucking Boy Who Is So Famous He Should Have At Least Twenty Unauthorized Autobiographies By Now. *starts stroking Fleur's cheek*

Fleur: …Zis is, 'ow you say, bad touch?

Rita: *slaps Fleur's cheek to reinforce that she's a total piece of shit*

Fleur: *visibly flinches before the strike lands, which ruins the effect somewhat*

Rita: What are the deepest, darkest secrets you possess? What's the most embarrassing aspect of your childhood? What do you never want anyone else to find out about yourself? *rubs Cedric's hair*

Cedric: Okay yeah, this is just awkward.

Movie watchers: …Why couldn't they get a sportswriter to write about the Triwizard Tournament instead of someone who is obviously a gossip columnist?

Book readers: Pfft. As if wizards would actually show some degree of intelligence.

Rita: In short, what makes you the people you are today, and what's the shittiest part of you so that you'll get what basically amounts to a broken fanbase once all the skeletons in your closet come to light? *drapes her arms around Cedric and Harry's shoulders* "Me, Myself, and I," which is apparently the name of my column in the Prophet, which is kind of cool that it actually gets a name in this version, and I need to write for it as there is unfortunately a rather large section of the community who thrives on trashy, harmful reporting about celebrities. *weird-ass laugh-type-thing* So…who's feeling up to sharing?

iheartmwpp: Always thought she said "Who's spilling up the sherry?" which I thought was some kind of weird phrase thing. Clearly there is no such saying. Hot doors.

Champions: *immediately avoid her eyes, including Cedric, whose hair is now a mess*

Rita: Shall we start with the youngest and most naïve, ensuring that I can do even more of whatever the hell I want the usual? *grabs Harry's arm and starts dragging him away* Lovely.

Harry: Cool, could you wait a minute while I pop my arm back into my socket?

~So she'd apparently planned to host all of her interviews in the broom closet, as the Quick-Quotes Quill was just chillin' there for no other reason.~

Rita: *pulls Harry inside before, thankfully, only shutting the door partway*

Harry: *looks around with an appropriate WTF expression on his face*

Rita: *leans in way too close* This is cozy.

Harry: Oh God, GET OUT OF MY BUBBLE! BAD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH! Also, what the hell are we doing in a broom cupboard, anyway?

Rita: I just wanted to make you feel more at home so you'd be more comfortable.

Harry: This does absolutely nothing to reassure me of your intentions—Wait, what? How did you find out about that? It's not exactly public knowledge, I don't think I even told Ron and Hermione! Unless you mean something entirely different, in which case…what are you implying? Especially since you're convinced I'm only twelve, you strange, creepy woman!

Rita: Whatever, let's just get on with it. *goes to the main, much wider part of the closet*

Harry: Why does a broom cupboard have a window?

Rita: Iunno. Don't mind if I use a Quick-Quotes Quill, do you?

Harry: Common sense and my usual curiosity would normally prompt me to ask what the hell a Quick-Quotes Quill even is, but I'll just go with it this time. I have a feeling you'd lie to me if I asked in any case. *sits down on an overturned bucket*

Rita: *sits opposite him on another overturned bucket* So cough up, Harry. Here you sit, a mere boy of twelve—

Harry: You really should be able to figure out how long it's been, I'd imagine 1981 was kind of an important and memorable year. Though it could be that wizards really are that bad at math…

Rita: *eye twitch* Anyway, you're about to compete in an extremely dangerous and perilous tournament against several older and much more experienced students—

Harry: Eh, I've beat Voldemort like three times, it's not my competitors I'm worried about, it's the actual challenges. Unless one of the challenges is, you know, a death match, in which case yes, I will worry.

Rita: Indeed, after all, these students are not only vastly more emotionally mature than yourself—

Harry: *snort* Please, they're only like three or four years older than me, there's really not that much of a difference, iheart's met college kids with the maturity of ten-year-olds. And the intelligence of ten-year-olds, quite frankly. People should really not judge so much based on age. Or, you know, anything else.

Rita: …Right, and also the other three have mastered spells that you wouldn't attempt in your dizziest daydreams.

Harry: That may be, but can any of the other three produce a corporeal Patronus?

Rita: Concerned?

Harry: You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you? *trying to read the Quick-Quotes Quill's writing upside down*

Rita: Just ignore the Quill, Harry.

Harry: Fun fact about me: Telling me to not pay attention to something will instantly make me focus on it and do whatever it takes to find out what's going on. Put that into your damn interview, maybe Dumbledore, Mrs. Weasley, and the others will finally get a fucking clue.

Rita: Of course, you're no ordinary boy of eleven, are you?

Harry: Fourteen, are you deaf or something?

Rita: *ignores him* Your story's legend, nearly everyone on the planet's at least aware of the basics. Do you think that it was the fact that otherwise you wouldn't be able to risk your life at all this year that made you so keen to enter this extraordinarily dangerous Tournament?

Harry: Um, no, I didn't fucking enter, I was actually looking forward to just. One. Normal. Year. Which I really don't think I'll ever get at this point.

Rita: Uh-huh, sure. *wink* Everyone loves a lying teenager, Harry.

Harry: Sure, tell that to everyone who's avoiding me next year.

Rita: *ignoring him* Apparently the Quill and I have a telepathic link or something.

Quill: *scratches out the start of a Harry/Cedric fanfic*

Fangirls: Bugger.

Rita: Speaking of your parents—

Harry: We were?

Rita: Shut up. How do you think they'd feel if they knew about this? Proud that their son might actually have a chance to compete? Or concerned that you're evidently suicidal?

Harry: Probably more worried about the fact that I'm about to die at any minute than worried about me psychologically. As everyone else should be, really, rather then just freaking out that I somehow got in in the first place. And if they were still alive, I seriously doubt I'd ever feel suicidal to start with…Hang on…"His eyes glistening with the ghosts of his past?" What does that even mean, that I'm tearing up because you mentioned my parents or something? Or are there actual ghosts living in my eye sockets, that'd be awkward.

Rita: It's a bit of artistic license, just roll with it. And apparently the interview's over after that.

Harry: Even though I just protested what you were writing?

Rita: Oh please, you're like ten, what're you gonna do to stop me?

Harry: Fourteen. Also I can easily get my friend to blackmail you into not being a total douche monkey.

Rita: Meh, I think everyone got bored with the whole everyone and anyone being able to randomly transform into animals last movie, even though it was never really pointed out that those three and me had been doing it illegally. Essentially, you got nothing.

Harry: Son of a fuck nut.

Rita: Can I quote you on that?

Cedric, Fleur, and Krum: She's not even going to bother interviewing us, is she?

~A transition involving an owl that's not Hedwig? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE—Oh right, that's only with changes in seasons and crap. Please continue.~

Creepy black owl: *is creepy and black…that's not racist, is it?*

Harry: OMFG AN OWL! I NEVER EXPECTED ONE OF THOSE TO SHOW UP IN THE OWLERY!

Creepy black owl: Uh-huh, just hurry up and take this, I got stuff to do.

Harry: Huh. There's no way this owl stopped off for a quick nap or some food or something, so the owl must be for me! Huh, that is really creepy that the owls can literally find you wherever you are. Seriously, why didn't the Ministry just send a letter to Sirius with a Tracking Spell that fanfiction writers are so fond of on it so they could track him down immediately? I know JKR once gave some ass-pull of an answer that made no sense. Really, she could've just said that the Ministry was so stupid that they never thought of that, we would've been entirely satisfied.

Sirius's voiceover of DOOM: I have a weird-ass way of folding letters.

Harry: Huh, wonder if it's a Marauder thing, the Map folded weirdly too.

Sirius's voiceover of DOOM: Eh, doubtful, in the books the Map was just a massive piece of parchment anyway.

Harry: Hang on, let me kneel in owl poop.

Sirius's voiceover of DOOM: Nice. But anyway, I couldn't really risk sending Hedwig; she's such an icon of the franchise that if anything were to happen to her, what remained of our shattered innocence would scatter to the four winds and none of us would ever recover from such a loss.

Creepy black owl: What he said.

Sirius's voiceover of DOOM: And we really need to talk, Harry. Damn Hogwarts, you can never get a signal. Meet me in the Gryffindor common room at one o'clock Saturday night, which is technically Sunday morning, and make sure you're alone. I'm serious, I don't want that ginger or the know-it-all hanging about, they totally cramp your style even though I should totally be all about close friendships. But since that shit was cut during the last film, why the fuck should I care. Love, Sirius.

Harry: *stands up*

Creepy black owl: OM NOM NOM.

Harry: OH GOD MY FINGER! GAAAH, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I NEEDED THAT APPENDAGE!

Creepy black owl: No you don't, you have like nine more.

Sirius's voiceover of DOOM: And notice how the letter reads "P.S. By the way, the bird bites," and yet I just say "P.S. The bird bites." Continuity is rather lovely, isn't it.

Harry: Yah, you could've mentioned that at the beginning, dumbass.

Sirius's voiceover of DOOM: :P

~And then Harry walked down some stairs. Truly this is a fast-paced, action-packed movie.~

Harry: …Sirius? Okay, how the hell is he supposed to get in here. And once again, it's really lucky that no other student in Gryffindor stayed up late to do homework or chat with friends or anything.

iheartmwpp: You know now that I think about it, Harry's severely lucky that none of the portraits were awake, since they would've spread the word that Sirius was back immediately.

Harry: The hell?

The Daily Prophet: *was left on an armchair by someone, with a rather stupid picture of Harry on the front page*

Harry: "Harry Potter and the Triwizard Cup"? Sounds like an interesting book title…Naah, not catchy enough. *opens the paper to Rita's column*

Rita's voiceover of DOOM: Harry Potter, age six and a half, who somehow got into the Tournament even though no one's thought to force the secret out of him so they don't fuck it up next time, with zombies bursting out of his eye sockets—

Harry: Okay, seriously, how the fuck does anyone believe anything she says. *crumples up paper*

Rita's voiceover of DOOM: *is slightly muffled* —and chickens exploding out of his ears…NO NOT THE FIYAH NOOOOOOoooooo…

Harry: *throws her in the fire's general direction, where it lands near the side. This is why he's not a Chaser*

Fireplace: *hisses*

Harry: …Kay…

Fireplace: *hisses again*

Harry: Okay, what the fuck is going on this year, practically nothing makes sense.

Sirius's face: *appears in the fire*

Book readers: …That's not how we pictured that at all.

Sirius:Merlin's moldy socks, you have no idea how much this hurts.

iheartmwpp: *shudders* Floo powder or no, I think I'd just stick to owls and brooms, maybe Apparition. Never fireplaces.

Harry: Holy shit, that's fucked up. The fuck did you—

Sirius: Let's cut the crap, I could be caught breaking and entering at any moment. So did you actually put your name in or what?

Harry: For the last fucking time, no! Why won't anyone believe that? I don't even know if Hermione or Hagrid do in this version!

Sirius: Relax, kid. I figured as much, I just had to ask. Better to hear it from your own mouth, you know?

Harry: I guess…

Sirius: Now then. Even though you presumably described your entire dream and everything you remember about it in your letter, I want you to tell me about it again. I know you saw Wormtail and Voldemort—

Harry: *kneels down by the fire* Hang on a minute, why are we still calling him "Wormtail" anyway? It was your old childhood nickname for him, wouldn't you and Moony want to refer to him by something that's less nostalgic and meaningful? It kinda makes Marauder fics hard to read.

Sirius: Iunno, I'm just saying what JKR and Steve Kloves tell me to say. Anyway, who was the third guy in the room?

Harry: If I didn't know when I wrote you the letter, what makes you think I know now?

Sirius: You find out everything else pretty quickly.

Harry: Yeah, but we don't really figure everything out until June-ish, and even then we haven't had the best track record of being right yet.

Sirius: So you haven't heard anything since?

Harry: No. All I know is that Voldemort was giving him a job to do. Something important.

Sirius: Apparently you didn't mention this part in the letter.

Harry: Well…I didn't want to worry you.

Sirius: *exasperated* Just tell me, Harry.  
Harry: …He wanted…me. I dunno why, but he was gonna try to use this man to get to me.

iheartmwpp: Finally, I can start to enjoy Dan's acting a little, I think he was brilliant for this whole scene.

Harry: *desperately seeking reassurance* But, I mean, it was only a dream, right? *stares at Sirius pleadingly*

Sirius: …Sure, let's go with that. I wonder if I'm actually in contact with Dumbledore in this version, it doesn't seem like it, since he seemed totally surprised when you tell him about the dream later.

Harry: I noticed that, yeah.

Sirius: …Look, Harry. I really don't want you to worry any more than you already are, but I think you need to know that with the events at the World Cup and what's happening now, they can't be just coincidences. Hogwarts isn't safe anymore!

Harry: *snort* It was to start with?

Sirius: Oh, you know what I mean!

Harry: So what are you saying?

Sirius: I'm saying that the only way to fuck up the Goblet is to be nearby it. Igor Karkaroff was a Death Eater.

Harry: You mean the guy who looked evil is actually evil? I never would've guessed that!

Sirius: Yeah, you'd think they'd use that to catch more bad guys, but as we all know the Ministry's run by completely incompetent assholes who are willing to be bribed into thinking that these guys have turned a new leaf, when no one, no one, stops being a Death Eater.

Book readers: Well, if the only person you've ever loved is on the line, you might change your mind a bit.

Sirius: Yeah, I refuse to believe that. But the guy you really need to watch out for is Barty Crouch Sr., he's got no human feelings whatsoever, they died with his wife who will, shockingly, never be mentioned in the film as she is female and therefore useless, even though she was central to the plot of the book. I'm just glad that that will never happen to Lily in any of the films. Anyway, Crouch Sr. sent his own son to Azkaban, authorized the use of Unforgivable Curses against mere suspects, and was also the one who shoved me into Azkaban without a fucking trial.

Harry: I give you my word that I will never have anything to do with that man.

Sirius: That's my boy.

Ron: LOUD NOISES.

Harry: The hell was that?

Sirius: Bugger if I know.

Harry: So do you think Karkaroff or Crouch Sr. put my name in the Goblet, then?

Sirius: Well since they're our only suspects, our guesses must be incorrect so let's immediately rule them out. But I'm pretty sure that whoever did put your name in wasn't really doing any favors. People die in this Tournament!

Harry: You are completely crap at inspiring any sense of comfort, you know that?

Sirius: Hey, I'm still basically new at this whole godfather shtick, give me some time.

Harry: You get on that. In the meantime, I will start to fucking panic. I'm better at just randomly getting thrust immediately into perilous situations, I can't handle this whole waiting and guessing bullshit.

Sirius: Sorry, mate, but you're gonna have to suffer through it, it's not like you have that much of a choice in the matter.

Rifftrax: Do the adults who keep putting on the Tournament where kids die have a choice?!

Ron: Crash, bang, various other noisy sounds and things…*his shadow starts coming down the stairs, he goes after it*

Harry: Someone's coming. GTFO.

Sirius: Keep your friends close, Harry…assuming you even have any more friends, since we've established that Ron's ditched you for the moment but we never really pointed out that Hermione's still there for you.

Harry: I'M ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD AND WANT TO DIE.

Sirius: Good luck with that. *leaves*

Harry: Asshole. *gets up and goes around the couch*

Ron: I have feet.

Harry: How nice for you.

Ron: Who were you talking to?

Harry: If we were still friends I'd just tell you that Sirius stopped by for a chat, but since we're not you can go fuck yourself.

Ron: I distinctly heard voices.

Harry: You been eating any of the food Seamus has been giving you?

Ron: Nah, just a couple of the twins' stuff.

Harry: Well that'd do it then. Hey, did you eat anything they gave you on Halloween, which we once again ignored the significance of?

Ron: Nope, though Neville was fiddling with some weird leaves that smelled funny…

Harry: …I'm not sure I want to know.

Ron: Right, I'll leave you alone to practice for your next interview or whatever. *traipses back up the stairs* Damn it, I wanted to be in the papers, the one time it was the whole family instead of just me standing out in any way. I know it helped Sirius escape, but that was never touched upon so it's like it matters even less…

Harry: Is he gone yet? Good. Now, is Sirius still around…No he isn't. Bugger. I could've done with some more reassurance fail. Huh, it took that long for the newspaper to catch fire? Weird. Imma just stare as it slowly burns up for the rest of the night.

~And instead of writing to the Prophet or doing the logical thing and using his rather considerable influence that he actually had at the time to stop her from printing this crap, he does nothing. Nice.~

Review or Rita Skeeter will lie about your age in a newspaper that doesn't exist.


	7. Teh YAY HARRY HAS NO FRIENDS!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, The Room, How to Train Your Dragon, Doctor Who,

~We now return to Harry watching Neville being generally awesome.~

Harry: So am I hanging out with you 'cause you actually believe me when I say that I didn't put my name in when no one else does or what?

Neville: I can't hear you, I'm paying attention to that which I am obsessed with and have mastered the art of tuning everything else out.

Harry: *chuckles* Yeah, I know how that is. *picks up book thing* Magical Water Plants of Some Vague Locations In Scotland? Is this that book you were breading earlier?

Neville: …Sometimes I worry about your powers of observation, mate. I was reading the book, not breading it.

iheartmwpp: I can't type for shit.

Harry: What's with the random green page?

Neville: Iunno, I haven't gotten that far yet. Anyway, Moody gave it to me that day we had tea. I'm sure he had completely altruistic motives and was in no way giving me anything that could be used later to foreshadow his evil plot.

Harry: Huh. That was nice of him.

Neville: Oh hai Ron, Hermione, and Ginny.

Harry: Huh wha?

Hermione: *muttering to Ron* Why can't you talk to him, I don't even know if I'm still friends with Harry at this point and don't want to give any evidence one way or the other!

Ron: I'm pouting!

Ginny: I don't even know why I'm here.

Harry: Huh, when did Ginny's hair turn brown?

Hermione: I keep forgetting what you want me to say, what was it again?

Book readers: …Wha? Canon Hermione would've had it completely memorized the minute the words came out of Ron's mouth, the hell?

Axel: Got it memorized?

Ron: Look, he's right over there, just go already.

Hermione: Sigh.

Harry: What the hell's going on? Are any of us still on normal speaking terms anymore?

Hermione: Ronald would like me to tell you…

Rifftrax: That the following bit is ripped off from any given sitcom.

Hermione: …that Seamus told him…that Dean was told by Parvati that Angelina heard Katie say that Fred and Lee were talking about George who told Ginny who mentioned to Luna who spoke to Terry and Michael that Ernie said to Susan that Pansy told Goyle who was talking to Malfoy about Malfoy's father telling Snape who got in contact with Lupin for some reason who then told Sirius about Kingsley telling Scrimgeour about Umbridge who told Fudge about Bellatrix mentioning to Alice that Lily told Fabian that Arthur told Percy who spoke to Wood about Alicia who was talking to Cormac about Nearly Headless Nick who told the Fat Friar who spoke to Tonks concerning the Cattermoles who were discussing Amos and his son talking about Cho who mentioned offhand to Professor Flitwick who told Trelawney who tried to predict the death of McGonagall who got annoyed so she complained to Madam Pomfrey who told Professor Sprout who spoke to the Venomous Tentacula that Neville was told by Barty Crouch Jr. that Hagrid's looking for you.

Harry: No kidding.

Hermione: Yeppers! *mechanically pushes her immaculate hair behind her ear*

iheartmwpp: OMFG, gais, Emma's eyebrows are actually totally in control for this entire scene! *mind implodes*

Harry: Wait…What the fuck did you just say. *looks over at Ron in confusion*

Hermione: …I forget, hang on a minute. *goes back to Ron*

Book readers: …This makes no sense. Hermione always memorizes basically whatever anyone else says, regardless of whether she was required to memorize them or not. So basically Steve Kloves is completely failing to have his favorite character actually be in character once again. Keep up the good work, asshole!

Hermione: Ron. Just talk to him already, why do I have to do it?

Ron: Because I'm not talking to him and you still are. I think. Are you?

Hermione: Iunno.

Ron: Please? *puppy dog eyes*

Hermione: …D'awww, I could never resist those.

Harry: I seem to be angry at everything. Possibly because I have no friends.

Hermione: Dean was told by Parvati…

Rifftrax: That there are characters named Dean and Parvati.

Hermione: …that Teddy was…talking to Albus Severus—Oh fuck it. Point is Hagrid's looking for you. *immediately starts walking away*

Harry: Well you can tell Ronald—

Hermione: FUCK YOU IN THE FACE, YOU LITTLE BITCH!

Harry: …You really have stopped being friends with me too in this version, haven't you.

Hermione: Seems that way.

Harry: *sniffs* Fine! I don't need any of you anyway! *curls up into a fetal position and starts sobbing*

Hermione: Come on, Ginny, he obviously wants to be alone right now.

Harry: I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF LOVE AND AFFECTION.

Hermione: Did you hear something?

Ginny: I honestly don't know why I even bothered to show up at all in this movie.

Ron: I'm still glaring and stuff. In fact, I'm so mad that I think I'll turn back and glare at you some more while I'm walking away! Hah, how d'you like that?

Harry: WHY DOES EVERYONE I LOVE ALWAYS LEAVE ME?

~A question that the people who have finished the series ask themselves daily.~

Hagrid: Did yeh bring yer father's Cloak like I asked yeh?

Harry: …Yah. How else d'you think I got out of the fucking castle? And where exactly are we going anyway?

Hagrid: Yeh'll see soon enough.

Harry: Right, 'cause that's not ominous at all. And are we still friends at least?

Hagrid: Pretty sure the universe would collapse if we weren'.

Harry: Good point.

Hagrid: Now pay attention, this is important.

Harry: Okay.

Hagrid: …

Harry: …Well?

Hagrid: Well what?

Harry: You told me to pay attention.

Hagrid: I meant when we get there.

Harry: Well tell me that when we get there, then! Otherwise I'll think you're talking about now!

Hagrid: Ah, shut up. *adjusts jacket*

Harry: …What's with the massive plant-like substance you seem to believe passes for a flower and why has it taken this long for me to notice it?

Hagrid: Yeh need new glasses, mate. Or at least ones tha' actually have lenses.

Harry: It's to avoid seeing the cameras' reflection, don't blame me for—Wait, have you attempted and failed to comb your hair? And put gel in it so it just looks greasier than usual and no woman would ever want to be associated with you?

Hagrid: Hey, at least I attempted ter make my hair look nice, somethin' you seem completely incapable of.

Harry: I try in canon, but in the films I appear to be left to the mercy of my stylists, who seemed to think that shaving my head for the next film was a good idea.

Creepy noise roar thing: *is heard…OMINOUSLY*

Hagrid: Oh, hey look, a goat.

Harry: Wait, I have to fight a goat? I don't know if I can do that morally!

The tree next to them: *suddenly explodes into flames*

Hagrid: Okay, even I seem a bit spooked now…

Maxime: 'Agrid?

Hagrid: *gets a goofy, love-struck grin on his face as he goes wandering in the direction of her voice* Oh, Harry! Almost forgot yeh! Put the Cloak on, quickly!

Harry: …You did not make me come here to watch your date.

Hagrid: 'O course not, jus' bear with me fer a sec, okay?

Harry: …Fine. *puts the Cloak on*

Hagrid: Bonsoir, Olympe.

iheartmwpp: Does anyone know if he's pronouncing this correctly? The only person readily available to me who knows French forgot how to pronounce anything after taking too many Japanese classes.

Maxime: Oh, 'Agrid! I thought perhaps you weren't coming, even though you are probably not all zat late.

Harry: Why am I here.

Maxime: I zink I have very leetle self-esteem, as I thought zat you 'ad forgotten me.

Hagrid: Yeh have nothin' to worry about, I'd never ferget you, Olympe.

Harry: Oh great. Now I'll never get another boner for the rest of my life. Thankfully no one seems to have written any lemons about them, least on this site, and I have no desire to look too hard for an others, kthxbyz.

Maxime: So, what ees eet zat you wanted to show me, 'Agrid? Oh and I like your flower.

Hagrid: BOO-YAH.

Maxime: When we spoke earlier, you sounded so…freaked out beyond all belief.

Hagrid: Yeh have no idea, but it was still awesome so I really wanted ter show yeh.

Maxime: Cool.

Hagrid, Maxime, and presumably Harry: *take like five steps to the right and pull back a bunch of leaves to reveal giant columns of flame that I can't believe they missed, it was right friggin' there, WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE*

Maxime: Ma mère est au mer avec le merde!

Various dragons: *are breathing fire everywhere*

Dragon handling people: *are somehow preventing a massive forest fire, though how that happened is beyond me*

Harry: …No. Just…just no.

Maxime: I wanna get my face burnt off!

Hagrid: I have fantastic taste in women!

Maxime: *walks around some bushes and stares in fascinated glee as she watches several people suffer hideous burns, screaming in agony*

Harry: *takes the Cloak off his head* This is not happening. This is all just a bad dream. I'm about to wake up any second, Ron and everyone else will still be friends with me, and I won't have to fight a fucking dragon. *takes Cloak off the rest of the way*

Hagrid: Hey, least they're not penguins this time.

Harry: Yeah, that was getting kind of annoying.

Monstrous Nightmare: *sends a jet of flames in their general direction*

Hagrid: JESUS CHRIST!

Harry: *has an appropriate look of sheer terror on his face* …Yep, just soiled myself.

Hagrid: Yeah, I have ter admit tha' Nightmare's a right nasty piece of work. They have this nasty habit o' settin' 'emselves on fire.

Harry: Aaaand with my luck I'll probably end up with that one.

Hagrid: Yep.

Harry: I hate everything.

Hagrid: And poor Ron fainted jus' seein' 'em, too.

Harry: *looks up sharply* Ron was here?

Hagrid: Yeah, his brother Charlie had ter bring the dragons over from Romania. I guess Ron, Ginny, an' the twins popped down fer a noncanonical visit, which obviously took place offscreen considerin' tha' Charlie was never actually cast outside o' tha' photograph last film. *looks down at Harry* Didn' Ron tell yeh any o' this?

Harry: *shakes head, still staring at Hagrid* No, he didn't. He didn't tell me a goddamn thing, since you, Sirius, and Neville appear to be the only people who still give a flying fuck about my existence.

Hagrid: What abou' Hermione?

Harry: I don't even know, no one does, not even her.

Hagrid: Huh…

Harry: *looks back at the dragons, reflecting on how his death is approaching very, very shortly*

~HOW DID THEY NOT BURN THE ENTIRE FOREST DOWN? And what about the centaurs and stuff, they can't've been happy with the invasion of their forest…~

Badge: Cedric is red and awesome, while Harry is green and nasty.

Said badges: *are worn by Slytherins, therefore making fun of their own house*

Harry: "…Potter stinks"? Really? This is elementary school humor, we're in middle and high school.

Random student #448: Nah, it's because we think you cheated, that's why the stinking.

Harry: Doesn't stop it from being really lame and largely ineffective.

Random student #784: Not gonna stop us from being annoying!

Random student #36: And let's face it, Cedric is just generically more awesome than you anyway.

Harry: I'm in complete agreement, actually.

Random student #559: Hey, a Slytherin sarcastically wishing Potter good luck, that's certainly never happened before!

Random student #560: Our humor is original and totally awesome!

Harry: Huh, normally I'd feel annoyed, but it's just the normal Slytherin bullshit—Oh, great, the Hufflepuffs are in on it too, brilliant.

Ernie: I'm back in the films too! And I'm still a complete and total douchebag! What a shock!

Movie watchers: OMFG, CONSISTANCY! What is this strange creature.

Hannah: I seem to have joined the ranks of the douchiness!

Neville: I'm beginning to think that you are not worthy of me.

Cedric and Tonks: We really are the only decent Hufflepuffs in existence, aren't we.

Harry: Pardon me, may I please pass?

Ernie, Hannah, and their fellow douchebags: AHAHAHAHA IT'S FUN TO STAND IN YOUR WAY AND LAUGH STUPIDLY AT YOU HAHAHAHAHA.

Harry: Fuck it. *shoves them out of the way*

Hannah: Why am I getting a close-up?

Harry: *walks over to Cedric, relaxing with some friendly-friends*

iheartmwpp: Hey look, I found more proof that Cedric's still in his sixth year. In the book, US edition, page 340, it clearly says that Cedric's going to Charms class with a group of sixth year friends. Do the math, people.

Cedric: *lying on a bench* Yeah, he totally stinks, it's nasty really, I think he only takes one bath during his entire career at Hogwarts—

Harry: Hey.

Cedric: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. *jolts up* Um…hey.

Random Hufflepuff sixth years: Read the badge, Potter!

Harry: Did already, thanks, passed about forty on the way here. So Cedric, can I have a quick word?

Cedric: …Okay… *gets up and follows Harry a ways*

Random student #168: Harry Potter smells!

Random student #169: …Yeah, maybe we should lay off, this is getting ridiculously lame now.

Harry: So we have to fight dragons for the first task. Just thought you should know.

Cedric: …I do believe I have just soiled myself.

Harry: I had that same reaction, yeah.

Random student #365: Come on, Ced, people are gonna start writing lemons about you two if you don't leave him alone!

Cedric: Are you serious?

Harry: No, that's my godfather.

Cedric: Wait, Sirius Black's your godfather? Bad luck, mate.

Harry: …Sure. Right. Thanks.

Moody: *watching them with his eye* Well that's just cheating.

Cedric: …So…do Fleur and Krum know as well?

Random student #365: No, seriously, everyone will think you're a gay couple, it'll get really annoying.

Harry: Not really, not many people know Sirius is my godfather, or even that was once widely considered to be a good guy—

Cedric: No, I meant about the dragons.

Harry: Oh. Well, I don't actually know about Krum, but Fleur definitely knows.

Random Hufflepuff sixth year: Read the badges, Potter!

Harry: *calls back to them* Did already!

Random Hufflepuff sixth year: Oh…Carry on, then!

Cedric: Oh, and about the badges…I've asked them to not be so pathetic and at least come up with something decent—

Harry: Don't worry about it. Just tell them to go to Snape for ideas, he'll have some great insults planned for me.

Cedric: Okay, cool, 'cause I think they tried to ask Malfoy before or something.

Harry: See, that's why these completely fail! Seriously, try going to someone who actually succeeds at being insulting.

Cedric: Right, I'll tell them to get right on that, then.

Harry: Awesome, see you later!

Cedric: See you! *waves cheerily*

Seamus: *talking to Ron* It's not like I want to be nothing but a running gag! Blame the filmmakers, they're the ones who took that one event in Book/Film One too far!

Harry: Oh right, that fucker.

Seamus: You have to admit, though, it definitely made one of the better Crowning Moments of Awesome in Film Eight totally worth it.

Ron: Fuck yeah, it did.

Harry: Hey, you! I hate you and I hate that Quidditch team you like!

Ron: Oh no you di'in't!

Harry: Bitch, whatcha gonna do 'bout it?

Ron: Continue to act like a git, in fact.

Harry: You do that.

Ron: Anything else?

Harry: Yeah! Stay away from me!

Ron: You're the one who walked up to me, assface.

Harry: Well from now on, butt out, got it?

Ron: Whatever. *he and Seamus brush past him*

Rifftrax: All right, see you in the room we share.

Random student #297: We're still insulting you in the background!

Malfoy: Why so tense, Potter? Couldn't be because you're just about to die horribly in front of hundreds of people, is it?

Harry: …Why are you in a tree?

Malfoy: Iunno. But my father and I have a bet, you see. He says you won't last five minutes in this Tournament. *slips down* I disagree. I bet you won't last five minutes…at Pigfarts! LOLOLOLOL!

Harry: I don't give a damn what your father thinks, Malfoy! *shove*

Malfoy: Owie!

Harry: He gave my future wife one of Voldemort's Horcruxes with the intent of murdering a bunch of Muggle-borns, which included my best friend, and he was planning on blaming it all on said future mother of my children, who he also hoped would die in the process! Seriously, why should I give a shit about his opinion? Also, you look pathetic, which is a really stupid insult, but both of us have really low standards. *walks away*

Malfoy: No kidding, I apparently take incredibly deep offense at being called pathetic. I need help. *goes to curse Harry*

Moody: Am I supposed to be impressed? *zaps Malfoy, turning him into the infamous Amazing, Bouncing Ferret*

Harry: Tee hee hee.

Moody: I'll teach you to curse someone when their back is turned! By cursing you when your back is turned! How do you like that, huh? Not so fun, is it, *starts levitating Malfoy up and down* Huh? Huh? IS IT?

McGonagall: …What the hell's going on? What are you doing, you strange, silly person.

Moody: Nooooothin'.

Crabbe: I seem to be hypnotized by this amazingness.

McGonagall: …Is that a student?

Moody: Maaaaaaaybe.

iheartmwpp: You know, in the original book version, anyway, slamming him into the ground repeatedly is nearly the same thing as carving words into your hand repeatedly; Malfoy could've broken a lot of bones. Stuffing him down Crabbe's pants, on the other hand, has to be the worst kind of torture imaginable.

Crabbe: Hey, what the fuck did I do, I don't deserve this shit!

Cedric: Hah hah, petty cruelty towards students, a truly marvelous thing!

Crabbe: Please get out of my pants, Malfoy.

Goyle: I got it, hang on.

Crabbe: NO NOT YOU!

Goyle: Too late.

Crabbe: NO NOT THERE!

Goyle: AH, MY HAND! IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! IT FREEZES!

McGonagall: I'm just standing here and watching.

Moody: Wink.

Harry: I feel so much better about life right now.

Malfoy: *climbing out the bottom of Crabbe's pants* FREEDOM!

Crabbe: OH THANK GOD!

McGonagall: Zap.

Malfoy: *turns back into a human* OH THANK GOD! *gets up and turns to Moody* My father will hear about this, you asshole, since I'm still relying on everything he says even though I'm freaking fourteen and should be making my own mark by now!

Moody: *seems to have jammed his staff into the ground* Your father got all the brains, didn't he?

McGonagall: Being rude again?

Moody: Good, I meant that one.

Malfoy: *tries to run away*

Moody: *starts going after him* GET OVER HERE.

McGonagall: Oh for the love of crap.

Malfoy: STOP FOLLOWING ME, YOU CRAZY PERVERT!

Moody: It's been a long time since anyone's said no to you, hasn't it?

McGonagall: Would you just stop already.

Moody: Don't forget, I'm supposedly a famous ex-Auror, I seriously doubt your father'd fight back against me all that hard!

Malfoy: *leaves, with most of his Slytherin posse following him*

Harry: Lol.

McGonagall: Alastor. We never use transfiguration as a punishment. The most we do is occasionally chuck defenseless first years into the Dark/Forbidden Forest for a few hours late at night and are never that harsh to them again. Surely Dumbledore told you that?

Moody: Go and play with a ball of string.

iheartmwpp: In the book, McGonagall wasn't even concerned about the beating, only the transfiguration. She's as fucked up as Crouch Jr. is.

McGonagall: So just remember that for next time, okay?

Moody: Yeah, whatever.

McGonagall: *leaves, students fleeing from her as she strides by*

Moody: Just what every city needs. Cats in charge.

Harry: Hey, wait up!

Moody: You can't come with me.

Harry: Oh, you're not leaving me with her! *motions toward McGonagall, still in the general area*

Moody: …Fair enough. Come on.

~And the time Malfoy got seriously injured was remembered fondly forevermore. These assholes are no better than the ones we're actually supposed to hate.~

Moody: *takes Harry up to his office. In the corner is a very tall, wooden, blue box with some kind of light on top and shining through the windows. On the top are the words "POLICE BOX"*

Harry: *stares at the blue box while Moody takes his coat off, and also stares at the various mirrors and magnifying glasses Moody also has hanging all over his office*

Moody: *takes his leg off in between the blue box and a particularly large mirror thingy*

Harry: …Should I really be in here?

Moody: Yeah, it's cool, hang on a sec, I'm so old now. I used to have so much mercy…

Harry: …Kay… *still staring at mirror*

Moody: That's a Foe-Glass. Let's me keep an eye on my enemies. If I can see the whites of their eyes, they're standing right behind me. And I guess the rest of the mirrors and crap are also smaller versions of the same thing. 'Course, if they were right behind me, I'd probably hear them coming, so…yeah.

Harry: So it's completely useless then.

Moody: Yep!

Harry: …Does it ever show up again?

Moody: Not really.

Harry: …So this whole scene is entirely pointless.

Moody: Pretty much, yeah.

Harry: …Okay. *catches sight of a glass container filled with water containing a human hand* …Why do you have a hand in a jar?

Moody: Long story. I lost my hand. Christmas Day. In a sword fight.

Harry: And you grew another hand.

Moody: Um…yeah. Yeah, I did, yeah. *waves* Hello!

Harry: Wait…You grew…another hand.

Moody: *waves* Hello again!

TARDIS—I mean, the blue box: *shudders a bit; a yell can be heard from inside*

Moody: Wouldn't even bother telling you what's in there. You wouldn't believe it if I did. Just looks like a thing, doesn't it? People don't question things, they just say, nghah, it's a thing!

Harry: Actually, I came across a tent rather similar to that over the summer—

Moody: Did the tent yell at you?

Harry: Fair point.

Moody: And this…*holds up what looks like a red and silver lunch box with a small electric fan and wires connected to it*…is my Timey-Wimey Detector. Goes ding when there's stuff. Also it can boil an egg at thirty paces. Whether you want it to or not actually, so…I've learned to stay away from hens. It's not pretty when they blow.

Harry: …I'm just gonna nod and pretend I know what you're talking about.

Moody: It's better that way. Now… *takes either a really long pencil or his wand out of some case he just opened, what the hell was it doing in there?* What are you gonna do about your dragon?

Harry: Oooh, you know that I know. Um…

Moody: No, you're not in trouble, and neither is whoever told you. Think you're an idiot for telling Diggory, but whatever. So…what up?

Harry: …I have no fucking clue.

Moody: *kicks a chair over* Sit.

Harry: *complies*

Moody: Listen to me, Potter. When Diggory was your age, he could turn an orangutan into a pencil sharpener, and have it spontaneously combust on command either way.

Harry: …What was the point of that, and how would you have known about it?

Moody: The real me probably worked with Amos at the Ministry, and, well, Amos likes to brag.

Harry: Ah.

Moody: And even though we'll be basically showing the opposite of this throughout the film, Miss Delacour actually isn't a helpless female.

Harry: Uh-huh, sure.

Moody: And apparently I know Krum personally and he's evidently quite stupid, while Karkaroff's been basically holding his hand during school. And he's definitely going to continue holding his hand throughout the Tournament, playing off of Krum's strengths!

Harry: …So what you're saying is…

Moody: Argh, why do I always have to deal with the stupid ones? Come on, Potter, there must be something you're good at!

Harry: …Well I was good at Defense last year, I can do a Patronus Charm fairly well—

Moody: Yes, because there'll be dementors guarding the dragon. Fuckwit.

Harry: Well the only other thing I'm good at is flying.

Moody: BINGO! *really weird smile*

Harry: But I'm not allowed a broom.

Moody: So? You have a wand, use some magic for once, it's what this whole series is about!

Harry: Oh. Right. Yeah. You know, I probably should've just showed up to the task, said "I give up," and walk off the field. I should've done that with each task, what's wrong with me.

Moody: That is a pretty good idea, but apart from that, you're completely mad. You should pack your bags, get on that broom and fly for your life.

Harry: OH HOW I WANT TO.

~How did I squeeze in this many pages? Oh, right, I have homework already and I have rediscovered the art of procrastinating. That and I haven't got all my books yet. Yay.~

Review or Barty Crouch Jr. will turn you into a ferret and shove you down someone's pants.


	8. Teh HOW TO TRAIN YOUR CHAMPION

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, How to Train Your Dragon, Doctor Who, The Vicar of Dibley, YuYu Hakusho, the Nostalgia Critic's review of Casper, All That, Dragonball Z Abridged, Code MENT, Assassin's Creed, "Friday" by Rebecca Black,

~We now return you to—wait, where did that stadium come from?~

Hogwarts students: Did they just now build this thing solely for the sake of the Tournament? And it'll never be used again, either. Seems kind of fucking pointless and a complete waste. And hell, if it was here before, then how was it out of sight earlier, it's fucking huge!

Fred: We're replacing Ludo Bagman for this movie!

George: As the thousand galleon prize money doesn't exist in this version, we have to make money for the joke shop somehow!

Fred: Though how the teachers let us get away with the rampant underage gambling is beyond me.

George: And yes, we're totally looking forward to our future family members possibly being eviscerated by a fucking huge dragon.

Fred: Makes us kind of seem like a pair of massive assholes when you think about it.

George: Okay, ten to one our future sister-in-law makes it. Awesome.

~Wonder if this tent's also bigger on the inside.~

Harry: …Okay, so I've been all over this freaking castle. I even checked the Map this morning. Where the fuck did this whole thing come from.

Cedric: Yeah, I'm too worried about our inevitable horrible deaths to think about something so trivial right now.

Harry: Fair point, it's just bugging me is all.

Dragon roar: *is heard*

Cedric: …Well this is gonna be a bundle o' laughs.

Harry: Yeah, I'm just gonna hang at the back and shiver uncontrollably.

Hermione: Psst!

Harry: Oh great, more Parseltongue.

Hermione: Psst!

Harry: Kay, better barely open the tent in order to not see what's going on.

Hermione's eyebrows: Harry! Is that you?

Harry: No, it's Fleur.

Hermione's eyebrows: Oh, sorry, I'll try again—

Harry: You're an idiot.

Hermione's eyebrows: How are you feeling? Okay?

Harry: Well as grateful as I am to finally have tangible evidence that you're still speaking to me and the gist of this scene is that you helped me practice for the task, you also presumably know how terrified I am right now.

Hermione: Just remember to concentrate whilst avoiding the flames and the talons and the other assorted happiness.

Harry: Piece of cake.

Hermione: …I DON'T WANNA SEE MY BEST FRIEND GET EATEN BY A DRAGON! * rips open the tent and glomps Harry*

Harry: Hey, relax, okay? Save the tears for my funeral!

Rita: TIMING! *camera flash* Oooooh, the Harry/Hermione shippers are gonna like this!

Cedric: Hey no fair, I wanted to say good-bye to my friends before I died horribly too!

Hermione's eyebrows: *don't even need dialogue to go apeshit*

Rita: If Harry manages to die horribly, you two might even make the front page! Because of course nothing that Harry Freaking Potter does could possibly get the front page on his own at this point!

Krum: OH MY GOD I HAVE A LINE! Ahem. You haff no business here. This tent is for champions and apparently friends, even though ours never felt like showing up, the assholes.

Cedric and Fleur: Yeah, what the hell?

Rita: Hmm…OH! He totally said that to defend Hermione because he's jealous of Harry! It can't mean he just violently dislikes me or anything!

iheartmwpp: Despite her being right, how do fanfiction writers suddenly develop shipping ideas based on horribly flimsy evidence?

Rita: Well I've got a story, so I'm out of here.

Quick-Quotes Quill: *creepily brushes Krum's face on the way out*

Rifftrax: Krum no imply you have to go! You are Krum's friend!

Dumbledore: *bursts into the tent and shouts in a sing-song voice* Are you kids ready to fight a draaaagoooooon? Of course not! You're just children! What the hell am I thinking? *laughs heartily*

Filch, Crouch Sr., Karkaroff, and Maxime: *also enter the tent*

Crouch Sr.: Sorry I'm late, all my cows escaped.

Hermione: I'm just gonna cling to your arm for a while.

Harry: …Oh my God, I'M TALLER THAN YOU!

Hermione: Camera angle.

Harry: STOP BRINGING ME DOWN.

Dumbledore: At last, the moment has arrived! Clearly none of you have any idea what's about to happen, so now we're gonna freak you out by throwing you to a bunch of monsters that will probably kill you horribly! Won't that be fun?

Rita: Apparently I'm still in the corner of the tent.

Crouch Sr.: And I'm smirking very creepily over Dumbledore's shoulder.

Dumbledore: What are you doing in here, Miss Granger?

Hermione: …This is possibly the last chance I have of seeing Harry alive, you dumb fuck.

Dumbledore: What does that matter to you?

Hermione: Who are you and what have you done with the man who gave two shits about his students. *leaves in disgust*

Dumbledore: Some people are just plain weird. Now. Where were we? Ah yes, Barty. The bag.

Crouch Sr.: Champions, get in a circle around me. And when I say around me I actually mean in front of me. Of course, I don't know why I'm ordering you to move as I'll just grab you by the arm and shove you into the order I want for no discernible reason. Now then, Miss Delacour, if you wouldn't mind sticking your mostly unprotected hand into the smoking bag…

Karkaroff: I'm still vearing a thimble.

Fleur: *pulls out a small, blue dragon with a rather large head*

Crouch Sr.: Oh, by the way, you're fighting dragons. Have fun with that.

Champions: *continue to try to refrain from vomiting*

Crouch Sr.: Huh. Expected more of a reaction. Oh well. Anyway, looks like you get the Hideous Zippleback.

Fleur: *looks up at Maxime in horror*

Maxime: I 'ave blue 'ighlights in my 'air.

Crouch Sr.: Mr. Krum?

Krum: *pulls out a roundish, brown dragon covered in lumps*

Crouch Sr.: The Gronkle! Oooooo…wait, why the crap am I making that noise, I really don't seem like the type…Meh, must be a side-effect of the Imperius Curse I'm not under in this version. To be honest, anything to avoid scraping the cow dung off the stable walls… *offers the bag to Cedric*

Cedric: *pulls out a bright green dragon with two heads*

Crouch Sr.: The Deadly Nadder. *grins evilly* Which leaves… *starts to offer the bag to Harry*

Harry: The Nightmare—

Crouch Sr.: I heard that! How did you find out about the task?

Harry: …There's no fourth wall, sir, we all know what's going to happen to everyone ever.

Crouch Sr.: Well bugger me.

Rita: I could've used how Harry obviously knew about the dragons and spun a story on how everyone is trying to help him through the Tournament since he's only four but I chose not to.

Harry: *reaches his hand into the bag* Oh sure, I'm the only one who actually gets harmed by the tiny moving model thing. Joy.

Crouch Sr.: The Monstrous Nightmare. So yeah, you've all picked out the very real, very large, and very dangerous dragons you'll have to come up with a way to beat, basically on the fly since we're still of the assumption that none of you have heard about this before now. Each one has been given a golden egg to protect. You don't necessarily have to fight the dragons, merely to find a way to get to the egg, seeing as it's a vital clue to the second task. It would really suck for you if you didn't manage to get it. Any questions?

Harry: Um, yeah, can I just give up now?

Crouch Sr.: What, and miss out on all the action? Hell no! Not that you get much action anyhow, face like that.

Dumbledore: All righty then. Best of luck, I hope you don't die. Oh, and I forgot to mention that Mr. Diggory goes first. Hahahahahahaha! *turns to the other champions* That was funny.

Other champions: *laugh awkwardly*

Dumbledore: Right, at the sound of the cannon—

Cannon: BANG.

Dumbledore: Damn it Filch!

Filch: Meow.

Dumbledore: Okay, so get going.

Cedric: Huh, the actual Dumbledore might've been a bit more comforting and wished me more luck than that. He wouldn't have appeared indifferent to the whole situation and annoyed that he even had to be here.

Dumbledore: I know, but I'm going to. Bye-bye. Bored now. *leaves*

Hogwarts students: DIGGORY! DIGGORY! DIGGORY!

Cedric: *muttering over and over again like a mantra* Do not throw up, do not throw up, do not throw up…

Epic music: *starts playing*

~And because Harry's the main character, we don't get to see any of the other champions going up against their dragons. Which is sad, because that would've been fucking awesome.~

iheartmwpp's father person: *giggled when he saw the little first-aid trunk in the corner. That probably reassured the champions*

Harry: Okay, I've soiled myself three times over and changed as many times, so I think I should be okay to face the fucking dragon that lights itself on fire—oh crap, I did it again. Meh, one more quick change—

Dumbledore: The first three got through and presumably survived as they're going on to the next task. And as a bonus for you, the audience, we present to you this bonus fight between our youngest, most vulnerable and ill-prepared champion and the most dangerous dragon we could find short of a Night Fury. Y'ALL READY FOR THIS?

Students: FUCK YEAH! WE WANT BLOOD!

Harry: *steps out to thunderous applause* Hey cool, everyone likes me again! Wonder how long that will last.

Students: HARRY! HARRY! HARRY! HARRY!

Ron: I'M VISIBLY ON YOUR SIDE AGAIN, HARRY!

Harry: OMG, I would so be totally excited about that more than anything else in my life if I weren't on the lookout for the thing that's about to burn me to a crisp.

Ron: COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE, MATE!

Harry: …Okay, the arena seems completely deserted. Oh hey, there's the egg! Imma go get it and get this shit over with.

Fudge: What the hell am I doing here?

Monstrous Nightmare: Haaaaaaai. *is covered in flames, crawls around the arena once before smashing the area right next to Harry with her tail*

Harry: JESUS H. CHRIST!

Students: SORRY, PROBABLY SHOULD'VE WARNED YOU ABOUT THAT!

Harry: YA FUCKING THINK?

Nightmare: *turns around so she's facing Harry and breathes fire in his general direction*

Harry: OH GOD WHY. *dives out of the way*

One of the twins: *looks mildly concerned*

The other one: *is majorly excited for Harry to be horribly injured*

iheartmwpp: *hopes the bloodthirsty one was Fred*

Harry: *struggling to scramble up a boulder while the Nightmare presumably just sits around for a bit*

Moody: Now I'm all for education, but in this case…maybe not.

Nightmare: *hovers over Harry, who's still struggling to get away. She can spit fire on him at any time. Aaaaany time now. He's not moving all that fast—Oh, she just swung her tail at him again. And missed. Again*

McGonagall: *is the only teacher showing any concern; Snape and Dumbledore just look bored. With Snape it's expected, but with Dumbledore it just makes him more of an asshole*

Harry: Crap, I fell down—OH GOD NOT THE TAIL! Least it' not on fire anymore, but that was still an owie.

Nightmare: *lands on a rock and roars at the crowd instead of going after Harry again or, indeed, any of the crowd. The crowd's kind of unprotected, actually, I don't see any of the dragon tamers or whatever hanging about, so how can everyone be so sure that the dragon won't attack them?*

Twin who wasn't all that worried before: Okay now I'm worried.

Ron and Hermione: *exchange concerned looks*

Harry: Think I'll run out into plain sight, see what happens—WOULD YOU STOP IT WITH THE FIRE ALREADY!

Karkaroff: Rofl.

Hermione: YOU HAVE A WAND! FUCKING USE IT!

Ron: Please don't die, please don't die, please don't die, please don't die…

Harry: Accio Firebolt!

Nightmare: *is still following him*

Harry: *hides behind a fairly large boulder*

Nightmare: *sits there and growls*

Harry: *noticing this, checks to see if the spell actually worked*

Firebolt: 'Sup, bitches?

Nightmare: *chooses that moment to start breathing fire again*

Harry: Shit muffins. *hides behind the rock again, waits for it to let up, then jumps to the side right as his Firebolt gets to him*

Ron: THAT WAS TOTALLY AWESOME!

Harry: *makes a swipe for the egg but has to dodge the Nightmare's flames again*

Malfoy: Aw, that one nearly got him! TRY HARDER, YOU BLASTED DRAGON!

Nightmare: *pulls against her chain and it breaks*

Ron: I'm also visibly freaking out out of concern for Harry. I LOVE THIS MOVIE!

Judges: Huh. Maybe we should've reinforced the chain with magic or something…Naaaaaah, that'd be vaguely smart or competent, can't have that Hogwarts.

Charlie: Which is why I wasn't cast.

Harry: HOW THE FUCK DID IT BREAK FREE.

Nightmare: *tries to nom Harry*

Harry: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! *flies directly at the section of the crowd that holds the staff*

Judges: *should probably disqualify him for that, but it's too much fun to see Rita flailing her arms*

Ron and twins: THAT WAS FUCKING FANTASTIC!

Hermione: Yeah, but did he have to attack the teachers?

Ron: Well it's not like they're doing anything to help him or cancel the Tournament or anything, like they should be doing, so more power to him, I say.

One of the twins: WELL DONE, DRAGON! MURDER THOSE TEACHERS, DO IT!

Hermione: Oh, BTW, the dragon's still chasing Harry.

Ron: God damn it.

Snape: That boy will be serving a month's detention after this task is over.

McGonagall: Oh please, Severus, this is nothing we didn't deserve for putting the boy through this.

Rita: I beg to differ.

Harry: Bollocks, this chase scene is going to last a while, isn't it.

iheartmwpp: What the filmmakers were going for is that they wanted the audience to feel as though Harry were actually in real peril. The problem with this was that we knew that Harry would survive, so that cuts down on the drama considerably. Also some of us were annoyed with how long it dragged on for when they could've used it for more plot, like Crouch Jr.'s backstory and stuff. But they wanted to make the First Task bigger than it was in the book, which is why they dragged it out. That seems to be a running thing in the films; Buckbeak's flight, the romance in Film Six, Harry's extended fight with Voldemort, all that other good stuff. Thing is, I'm gonna be hypocritical again and say that I didn't really care as much about Crouch Jr.'s backstory as I did the Marauders', obviously. Do I wish it had been explained coherently? Of course I do! But I'm still one of the few who enjoyed the crap out of watching the first task in the films. So shut the hell up. X3

Harry: Meanwhile, I'm narrowly avoiding slamming into towers and the dragon is still hot on my tail—Wait, where'd it go? It's no longer behind me—Oh, there it is. Ow. *gets knocked off his broom by the dragon's tail and slides down a good chunk of the tower before grabbing on to one of the windows* Oh yeah! Check me out, I'm Ezio, bitch!

Moody: *watching all of this with his mad eye* Oh, that's high. That's very—blimey, that's high.

Nightmare: *perches on one of the three towers connected to the outside of this main tower thing, causing massive property damage with her claws*

Harry: Okay, let me just try to scoot over here and not fall to my death…Good thing I'm not afraid of heights…Oh hey, my broom! Hanging on the window below me. Shit.

Nightmare: *has a massive hatred for shingles, apparently, since she's trying to scrape all of them off the main tower*

Pointy thing on top of the window: *breaks off*

Harry: WHEEEE! *grabs the window below him, slips, and barely manages to hold on* Huh. This must be really boring for those staying behind. Isn't the point of having such a large audience so they can watch the tasks instead of just debating who comes back alive? Eh, I'm sure the creators of this particular Tournament took that into account and the other two events won't be boring for the audience in the slightest. *inches over to where his broom is hanging on top of the window thingy*

Nightmare: *is edging closer to Harry*

Harry: And another thing. Shouldn't we be surrounded by the people who brought the dragons over here by now? I mean, wouldn't it be intelligent to make sure that the dragon doesn't get free and destroy half of Hogwarts, like this one is doing? The hell, people? *tries to get his broom off the window thingy* Damn little metal things on the end, why are they even there? Is it to put our feet there or something? 'Cause we never had a problem in the books or with the training brooms in the films or anything.

Nightmare: *thankfully doesn't blow fire at Harry, even though this would be a perfect time for her to do so*

Harry: *finally gets his broom free right as the Nightmare destroys what he was holding onto* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! *it's cool 'cause Dan actually had to do that stunt and it was terrifying and stuff. Oh, and he falls off the tower and clambers onto his broom. And stuff*

Rifftrax: The world's most promising wizard, once again saved only by his broom working at the last possible moment. I'm putting down five grand on Voldemort.

Harry: Dude, what the hell are people doing in one of the courtyard, shouldn't they be watching the task? *flies past them and under the rope bridge into the ravine*

Nightmare: *fires one last burst of flame in his general direction*

Firebolt: *lives up to its name. By being on fire*

Harry: Shit. Does this mean Sirius has to get me another one? Oh hey, that other bridge. I bet if I fly through the smaller holes the dragon will follow me and get hurted.

Filmmakers: *emphasize this by showing clips of the bridge three times*

Nightmare: *is apparently out of juice since it just bites at the Firebolt, throwing Harry off-balance*

Harry: Ow, ow, ooooowwww… *slams into the sides of the hole in the bridge thing that he loses control of the best broom in the world and plunges to the bottom of the ravine. Least his plan worked, the dragon has now created even more damage to the castle as it also falls to its death. Which is why the end credits say "No dragons were harmed during the making of this movie" at the end*

~Meanwhile, back at the arena, everyone's kind of just sitting around and waiting for Harry to show up again.~

Moody: *still watching Harry through his eye* Oooooh.

Dumbledore: What? Did he land somewhere?

Moody: Not really, looks like he kind of crashed.

Dumbledore: Huh. Well it's a kind of landing, isn't it?

iheartmwpp: This makes me wonder what would've happened had Harry actually died during one of the tasks. Someone take it and run with it, then PM me so I can read it. Unless someone already did run with it? Anyone know of anything?

Neville, Hermione, and Ron: …So…yeah…this sucks. How long are they going to wait before looking for a body?

Dumbledore: Yeah, probably could've done something to prevent all this. Oh well.

Fudge: Okay, when I look more concerned than fucking Dumbledore, you need a new Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: Should've brought my sunglasses.

Hagrid: Okay, as much as I like dragons, I'm also gettin' a little worried.

Ron: Hang on, I think I see something…

Harry: I BEAT THE DRAGON!

Hermione: YES! YES! THE CAMERA IS ONLY FOCUSED ON ME FOR I AM THE ONLY FRIEND HARRY HAS AND AM THEREFORE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CELEBRATE THE FACT THAT HE HAS SURVIVED!

Ron: And we'd been doing so well. I hate this movie.

Harry: My broom is smoking. This is probably a very bad sign and I have no idea if I'll be able to repair it. Eh, right now I don't care, I just want to get to the damn egg so I can get this shit over with already. Snag.

Dragon tamer dudes: Awesome, the kid survived. So where's the 500,000 galleon dragon that went off after him? 'Cause if anything happened to it, we're holding the judges personally responsible.

Dumbledore: Make an appointment.

~And the egg is the first thing we see back in the Gryffindor common room, along with Seamus and the Patil twins.~

Seamus and Parvati:WOOOOOOOO! YOU DID IT, HARRY!

Padma: I SHOULD BE IN RAVENCLAW!

Harry: Awww, you all like me again, that's so cute. *raises the egg up above their heads*

Portrait: By the way, we can still move and stuff. Don't know if that's really been reestablished yet.

Twins: *lift Harry up onto their shoulders*

George: That was brilliant, Harry!

Fred: Figured you wouldn't die yet, Harry. We still got three more books to go, after all!

George: Did expect a little bit of disfigurement, though.

Fred: But packing it in altogether?

Twins: NEVER!

Rifftrax: Soil himself? Definitely! Please get off our shoulders.

Harry: I'm just glad I survived that one!

Seamus: EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP! *kisses the egg* Go on, Harry! What's the clue?

Harry: …Not sure I want it back now…Eh, whatev. And now to act like my father. WHO WANTS ME TO OPEN IT?

Everyone: YES!

Parvati: Huh, is the camera focusing on me foreshadowing the Yule Ball later?

Harry: …The correct response would've been "I do," but fine. Hey, this is kind of fun, think I'll do it again. DO YOU WANT ME TO OPEN IT?

Everyone: I DO! I DO!

Harry: …You people scare me. *opens it anyway*

Egg: *bursts into song* It's Friday, Friday/Gotta get down on Friday—

Everyone: OH GOD MAKE IT STOP.

Twins: *drop Harry in favor of covering their ears*

Harry: Oh, thanks, it's not like any of my wounds have been treated yet, just add to them, I don't mind.

Ron: I'm still in the movie.

Harry: *quickly closes the egg*

Ron: What the bloody hell was that supposed to be? Y'all practicing the Cruciatus Curse in here or what?

Harry: …

Everyone in Gryffindor: *joins Harry in staring at Ron*

Fred: *in a moment of actual tact* All right everyone, sod off and let them talk it out, they need this and it's going to be uncomfortable enough without all of us listening in on them.

George: …That was the most OOC thing I think I've ever heard aside from Hermione freaking out about her hair last film. Who are you and what have you done with Fred Weasley.

Everyone: *sort of wanders off but still stays in the common room, which I would imagine would be a bit cramped by then with literally a quarter of the school shoved into that small room*

Ron: *walks up to Harry* Okay, I admit it, I think you'd have to have a death wish to want to put your own name into the Goblet of Fire.

Harry: No fucking shit, Sherlock, what do you think I'd been trying to tell everyone since the Tournament was announced?

Ron: Hey, I wasn't the only one who thought you put it in. Basically everyone but Hermione, Hagrid, and a few of the teachers thought you did it.

iheartmwpp: Is all the Hogwarts paraphernalia shameless plugging for the WB shop where you can buy clothes like that?

Harry: Brilliant. That does wonders for my self-esteem. Everyone thinks I'm a liar a year early.

Ron: I was slowly getting over it, though, which is why I warned you about the dragons.

Harry: Hagrid warned me about the dragons.

Ron: No! No, no, I did! Don't you remember? I told Hermione to tell you that that Seamus told me that Parvati told Dean that Angelina heard Katie say that Fred and Lee were talking about George who told Ginny who mentioned to Luna who spoke to Terry and Michael that Ernie said to Susan that Pansy told Goyle who was talking to Malfoy about Malfoy's father telling Snape who got in contact with Lupin for some reason who then told Sirius about Kingsley telling Scrimgeour about Umbridge who told Fudge about Bellatrix mentioning to Alice that Lily told Fabian that Arthur told Percy who spoke to Wood about Alicia who was talking to Cormac about Nearly Headless Nick who told the Fat Friar who spoke to Tonks concerning the Cattermoles who were discussing Amos Diggory concerning his son talking about Cho who mentioned offhand to Professor Flitwick who told Trelawney who tried to predict the death of McGonagall who got annoyed so she complained to Madam Pomfrey who told Professor Sprout who spoke to the Venomous Tentacula that Barty Crouch Jr. told Neville that Hagrid was looking for you!

Harry: …Wha…?

Ron: Seamus never actually told me anything, so I came up with that grapevine myself, really. I thought we'd go back to normal, you know, after you figured that out.

Harry: …Who could possibly figure that out?

Ron: Easy, you could've talked to Seamus, Dean, Parvati, or any of the others, and they would've had no idea who you were talking about.

Harry: And you actually expected me to be that intelligent about it.

Ron: Fair point. I suppose I was a bit distraught.

Harry and Ron: *continuously meet each other's eyes before glancing away again*

Ginny: This looks soooo gay.

Hermione: Boys!

iheartmwpp: Sexist. Not all girls are good about talking about their feelings either, you know.

Angelina: Yeah, shut it, Hermione, I'm trying to plan out some slashfic.

~This film really does seem to be pushing Harry/Ron.~

Review or the twins will cheer for your untimely demise as a dragon destroys your roof.


	9. Teh WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Me and My Dick, Code MENT, Final Fantasy X, Naruto Abridged, Naruto; The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Swan Lake, or Rifftrax.

~A bunch of owls are flying outside the great hall, and you can see the Durmstrang ship in the background. I love this movie's transitions.~

Random owl: *floats in as the Patil twins walk into the great hall*

Parvati: Hey, let's say hi to Harry as we walk by, it'll totally be cute.

Padma: I should be in Ravenclaw.

Harry: Hey, girls in my year who I barely notice. *takes a sip of pumpkin juice, glancing over at the Ravenclaw table*

Cho: And then our teacher brought up an article about a guy raping pigs. I still don't really know why.

One of her friends: *bellows* Cho! Harry's looking at you!

Cho and another one of her friends: *immediately whip their heads around and stare at Harry, Cho smiling, the other glaring*

Harry: *attempts to smile and fails as the pumpkin juice dribbles out of his mouth*

Cho's friends: *giggle* Damn, he's got it bad for you, girl!

Cho: Oh leave him alone. *smiles at him*

iheartmwpp: I only recently saw Four Weddings and a Funeral. I love how Mike Newell actually knows what he's doing when it comes to making a romantic comedy, the humor isn't forced at all, it just comes out naturally.

Hermione: Look at this!

Cho: Oh. Right. Her. *is delusional*

Hermione's eyebrows: *lower the Daily Prophet in disgust* I can't believe it, she's done it again!

Ron: Trying to eat here.

Hermione's eyebrows: "Miss Granger, an unfortunate girl who seems to have been possessed by her eyebrows has now been coerced by said eyebrows into becoming nothing more than a shallow fangirl who pines after famous wizards. The eyebrows have now set their sights on Bulgarian sweetie-poo, Viktor Krum."

Audience: Okay, why is NO ONE thinking of suing the bitch? Ever?

Hermione's eyebrows: "Considering that young Harry Potter is only three years of age, Miss Granger may soon have to register as a convicted pedophile." For the love of…I'd have to register as a pedophile? I'm partially with Ron, shouldn't people be blaming Krum instead? And I'm only about a year older than Harry anyway, what the shit?

Harry: I didn't know you were only four.

Hermione: You seem to be taking this in stride.

Harry: I'm too happy about visibly speaking with both of you again that I really couldn't care less what the papers say. 'Sides, you're always the one who says to ignore everyone who makes fun of us, why should this be any different?

Hermione: Yes, but not when it happens to me, obviously.

Ron: Eh, it's not like this makes nearly as much of an impact as it did in the books, anyway, so let's just forget about Rita Skeeter till Film Seven, all right?

Hermione: Fair enough.

Harry: …Hang on, why do I still have scratches all over my face and why is my arm in a sling? Shouldn't these things have been healed instantly by Madam Pomfrey? We live in a world of magic, why do none of our injuries get healed properly?

Nigel: I'm still in the movie! Oh, and have a box thing.

Ron: Cool. Odd that we don't use owls anymore, but whatever.

Nigel: *stares openly at Harry*

Hermione: Uh…

Ron: …Oh, not now, Nigel.

Nigel: *doesn't move*

Ron: Later.

Hermione: …That sounded rather creepy.

Harry: He'd better leave soon, or I'm afraid I won't be able to be held accountable for my actions.

Ron: Oh Merlin. Seriously, Nigel, GTFO.

Nigel: *runs off crying*

Ron: 'Bout bloody time. *goes to open package*

Hermione: The camera's focusing on me again even though Harry was the one affected by that.

Ron: All right, all right, I've been using Harry's fame and my newly reinstated status as his best mate to get young children to do stuff for me, I'm a horrible person who should feel ashamed to exist, blah blah blah…

Harry: Oh. Well as long as you acknowledge that, your death shall be quick and painless.

Ron: Cheers. Oh, look, Mum sent me something, considering that that's what the label on the top of the package said.

Harry and Hermione: *help Ron open it*

Ron: *takes out a brown jacket with pink lace* …The fuck is this thing?

Harry: Oh, but it goes so well with your eyes. Oh, tell me there's a matching handbag and shoes, they would, like, totally tie the outfit together. *pulls out the neck…piece…thing…Look I don't know* Ohhh my God, this is just too perfect! It's just, like, it totally works!

Ron: Fuck you and the Firebolt you rode in on, Harry.

Harry: LOL.

Ron: Ginny, this has pink lace on it. Pink is stereotypically girly. You're a girl. This must be yours.

Ginny: Hell to the no, I'm not wearing that piece of shit! Besides, presumably Mum already got me a cute dress offscreen.

Ron: Not fair, why does mine have to be delivered in front of everyone?

Hermione: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

iheartmwpp: …That was the fakest laugh I've ever heard, and I've played Final Fantasy X.

Ron: What's with you?

Hermione: They're not for Ginny! They're for you! Which is why they were addressed to you!

Weasley and Patil twins: OMIGOD THAT IS HYSTERICAL THAT A PACKAGE THAT WAS ADDRESSED TO RON WOULD ACTUALLY BE RON'S! Oh, and the fact that he has to wear that is vaguely amusing.

Hermione: They're dress robes!

Ron: Dress robes? For what?

Harry: Still going through puberty there, mate?

Ron: Shut it, you know I get squeaky when I'm terrified!

~HOLY shit that's a giant gramophone.~

McGonagall: The Yule Ball. To answer Weasley's question from the previous scene.

Ron: Oh my God you're fucking PSYCHIC.

McGonagall: But it's been a tradition of the…

Gramophone: *is staticky*

Mrs. Norris: Yeah, probably should've thought this through and finished before everyone got here.

Book readers: …What the hell's going on?

McGonagall: *glaring at Filch* …Triwizard Tournament since the people running the three separate schools thought it would be a good idea to watch small children die horribly for their own amusement. Of course, it's also been a tradition of the Tournament to have three competitors, but whatever. On the night of Christmas Eve, we and our guests gather in the great hall for a night of well-mannered frivolity.

Audience: …Isn't that kind of a contradiction of terms?

McGonagall: As we're the ones hosting this bitch, I expect all of you to put your best foot forward. And I mean this literally because the Yule Ball, if you couldn't tell by the way that it's been labeled as a fucking Ball, is a dance.

iheartmwpp: Oh sure, as soon as there's a dance announced, all of the girls immediately get excited and start tittering about who's going to go with who and start gushing about what kind of dress and make-up they're going to wear. Because of course all girls love dancing and dressing up and shopping and talking about boys and I hate life. They made Neville the only boy willing to want to dance, why couldn't they have made at least one girl who didn't want to? If I were there, I'd get up and walk over to the boys' side to join them in complaining about how much it sucks that we have to do this, or failing that, I'd demand from McGonagall if it was mandatory to attend. And if it was, I'd wear a tux, or whatever the male equivalent of dress robes were. Hell, I'd wear Ron's outfit, it's really not that bad and it would be better than a dress!

McGonagall: Oh Merlin, I hate teenage bitching, why am I still teaching. Honestly, I'm expecting my Gryffindors to not fuck this up, we're still seen primarily as the best House, even amongst the fandom. And I have no idea why I'm suddenly so alliterative, but I will not have you all behaving like a babbling, bumbling band of baboons!

Fred: Try saying that five times fast, eh?

George: That that that that that.

McGonagall: Now, to dance is to let the body breathe.

Rifftrax: For the record, you should probably let your body breathe pretty much all the time.

McGonagall: Here's where I compare girls to swans, perhaps in reference to Swan Lake or something. But each girl has a swan inside of them longing to burst forth and take flight.

Cho: Um, pretty sure I'm the only one with a swan Patronus…

McGonagall: What are you doing here, this is the Gryffindor dance lesson thing.

Cho: Padma's here, why can't I be here? I JUST WANT TO HANG OUT WITH COOL PEOPLE!

McGonagall: Piss off.

Cho: *runs off crying*

Ron: *muttering to Seamus* Something's about to burst from Eloise Midgen, who by all rights should be in Hufflepuff, I think, the book was kind of vague, so I don't know what she's doing with all us Gryffindors, and I'm totally making fun of her even though she's really not all that unattractive in the slightest; she's just not as Hollywood Thin as the rest of the girls in this movie. DOWN WITH ACTUALLY NORMAL-SIZED PEOPLE!

McGonagall: And now I compare the boys to lions, which of course are totally known for their dancing abilities. All in all, I'm really quite sexist, since girls can't be ferocious or protect themselves and boys are in no way graceful or gentle. Also I'm going to call out Mr. Weasley for being an asshole. Pity I don't do that with Mr. Malfoy, who is far more of a douchebag.

Ron: I'm not going to like this, am I.

McGonagall: Nope. Would you join me, please? *pulls him up by his jumper*

Harry: …Did I just shove him toward her or give him an athletic butt-slap?

Other guys: Either way, this is gonna be hella amusing.

McGonagall: Now, place your right hand on my waist…

Ron: …Nope, sorry, gotta run.

McGonagall: Yeah no, we're doing this.

Ron: Fuck everything.

Someone: *wolf-whistles*

Ron: Fuck everyone.

Fred and George: Sexah!

McGonagall: Mr. Filch, if you wouldn't mind starting up the soundtrack.

Filch: Meow meow, meow. *complies*

Mrs. Norris: Don't know if iheart ever addressed this, but my eyes were red in the first two films and then greenish in the third one. Looks like they're red again.

McGonagall: Now to teach you how to waltz and stuff, even though you won't be using any of this dancing knowledge or whatever you call it until Book Seven.

Ron: Burn everything to the ground. That's what I'll do.

Fred and George: Why don't video cameras exist in Hogwarts? This is the most priceless thing ever!

Harry: Oi, you two!

Fred and George: Ah-yeeeees?

Harry: You're gonna blackmail him with this for the rest of his life, aren't you?

Fred and George: Fuckin' A.

Harry: Cool. I'm going to do nothing to save my best mate's dignity.

Fred and George: Which is why you are awesome.

McGonagall: Everybody come together—to practice dancing, you perverted morons, stop giggling.

EVERY GIRL: *IS INSTANTLY ON THEIR FEET, EAGER TO LEARN*

iheartmwpp: I'm with Ron, fuck everything and everyone.

Ginny: Wait, why the fuck am I here, the dance is only supposed to be for fourth years and up! I know Neville asks me later, but that doesn't mean I should automatically be placed in the dance class unless I'm required to go!

Padma: I should've left with Cho, I assume the Ravenclaws had a dance lesson with Professor Flitwick.

Harry: Okay, forget the rest of the guys, I literally can't do this, I'm wearing a sling! My arm's presumably still broken! I hate to pull a Malfoy here, but this kind of impedes me from doing what you want.

Neville: I'm probably gonna be seen as gay, but on the other hand I might get laid if I learn to dance. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna try it!

~And Ron's dance with McGonagall was never mentioned again except in a couple of interviews.~

Boys' dorm: *opens and we see Neville dancing by himself*

Harry: My hair's quite a bit shorter in this scene again.

Ron: Dude, what is Neville doing?

Harry: Damn those are some fancy shoes!

Neville: This'll definitely make me a hit with the ladies! The other guys don't know what they're missing!

~Neville then managed to learn every single dance known to human kind. How he is still a virgin at this point is beyond me.~

Harry: Why do they have to travel around in groups like that? How are you supposed to get one of them alone to ask them, since asking someone in front of a large group of friends would only heighten the sense of absolute mortification?

Rifftrax: And their opinions, how interested do I have to pretend to be in those?

Ron: Maybe we should try one of the more unpopular girls who have very few friends and prefer to sit in the corner and read when said very few friends aren't around.

iheartmwpp: Oh, you know, I would, but I feel my time would be better spent working on this crap. Or homework or video games or something way more worthwhile than some stupid dance.

Ron: Eh, worth a shot.

iheartmwpp: Though there is someone you could ask who fits that description.

Ron: Oh really? Who?

iheartmwpp: I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out, I have complete confidence in you.

Harry: *gigglesnort*

Ron: Oh, thanks mate, appreciate it.

Group of Ravenclaw girls: *stop tittering and glare in disgust at Harry and Ron, even though Harry is the Boy Who Is Worshipped Once More For At Least Another Six Months So Why They're Acting Like That Is Utterly Beyond Me*

Harry: …Well I was gonna attempt to ask Cho, but not with a bunch of other people looking at me like my relatives usually do. I mean, giggling I think I could probably handle at this point, but I could do without the Get-Back-Into-Your-Cupboard-You-Worthless-Freak looks.

Ron: I laugh at your pain.

Group of Ravenclaw girls: *start giggling again the moment Harry and Ron leave*

Ron: Dude, you've taken down freaking dragons, you should be able to get a date easily.

A few Hufflepuff girls: *are practicing dancing in the background*

Harry: I think I'd take the dragon right now.

iheartmwpp: One of the perks of being shy is feeling like that every time you need to talk to someone you don't know, and even some people you do know. 'S fun, everyone should try it sometime.

Harry: *attempts to smile at a couple of Beauxbatons students, who also look at him in disgust and walk away. I are confuzzled at this strange behavior; apparently I don't understand girls' behavior either, though I too have a set of fallopian tubes. This is probably a very bad thing*

Fleur: *walks by with a bunch of her friends*

Clémence: It's very difficult, what we're doing today. Walking.

~Hey, how 'bout them half-giants?~

Hagrid: I take after me mum. Apparently she had a massive beard too.

Maxime: Tee hee.

Hagrid: Nah, jus' kiddin'. Then again, I didn' know her tha' well, she ditched me when I was abou' three. Apparently Dark creatures don' make good parents.

Harry: *scowling, twirling his wand in his hands, muttering through clenched teeth* That doesn't. Have. To be. The case.

Remus: *whimpers pathetically, then runs off crying*

Hagrid: Still, I had Dad with me. Tiny little feller, my dad was, which makes me really not want ter think about how I was created ever in my life. An' she apparently broke his heart an' everythin'. I never wanted ter find out how or why. So ter cheer him up at the age of six, I'd pick him up with one hand an' put him on the dresser.

Maxime: LOLOLOL.

Hagrid: An' it's a really good thing I'm so kind-hearted, or I could've really hurt him. As it is, he appreciated the humor in tha' situation. He was a good man. Had ter have been, ter have brought me up all right.

Maxime: Oh, you 'ave a beetle in your beard. Imma eat it.

Rita: Considering I'm back in Film Seven, I'm going to assume that it wasn't me. On the other hand, there's got to be a good reason why I didn't reveal anything in this version…

Harry: The filmmakers cut out everything they think doesn't matter. In this case, they're right; these two being half-giant doesn't fucking matter.

Maxime: …Merde, 'ee probably 'ates me now…

Hagrid: Are you kiddin' me? Tha' was the hottest thing I think I've ever seen!

Maxime: Yaaaay!

Hagrid: And now ter ruin the moment by talkin' 'bout my dad again. He's deaded.

Maxime: Awwww.

Hagrid: So from pretty much age twelve I had ter provide fer meself. Good thing I've been gamekeeper since thirteen. But enough about me, what about you?

Maxime: *takes a breath to begin her tale, but is immediately cut off by the next scene*

~And we will never know about Maxime unless JKR decides to reveal something in Pottermore.~

Group of girls: *giggling away madly*

Three Durmstrang students: *walk up to them and bow*

Middle guy: *takes middle girl's hand* Vould you please come to the ball vith me?

Other two girls: OMG, like, you should totally do it.

Middle girl: OMG, like totally.

Middle guy: Awesome sauce. *him and the other two bow again and leave*

Ron: Damn it, why can't we be that awesome? And I don't know why anyone won't go out with you, you're like the coolest guy in school.

Harry: I know, I don't get it! I play guitar! I'm Harry Potter! I'm awesome!

Ron: Reese's Pieces?

Harry: Yeah… *noms*

iheartmwpp: Indeed, that was a very impressive display. I too would be so intimidated by the presence of the other two large men that I would feel that I had no choice but to say yes for fear of what would happen otherwise.

~Aside from the constant mockery they'd be forced to endure, why didn't Harry and Ron just go together if they were that desperate? Is there some rule that homosexual couples aren't allowed or something?~

Cho: My hair's in a ponytail. Also this is a farging weird place to stop and read a book.

Harry: These staircases are weird, where the hell are we anyhow, what section of the castle is this?

Cho's offscreen friend: I may or may not be Marietta! Cho, get yo fat ass movin', bitch!

Cho: Kayz.

Harry: Cho! Hang on a sec!

Random Ravenclaws: Hey Harry!

Harry: Um, hello—

Cho: Oh hai Harry!

Harry: Hi…

Random Ravenclaws including Cho: Bye Harry! *leave*

Harry: …Well that went well.

~No, I have no idea where exactly the deleted scenes were supposed to be put in.~

Krum: Damn it, vy do restraining orders never vork? I'm just trying to valk and stretch and stuff—Oh hey, it's that girl I like. Awesome.

Hermione: He was looking at me again. I'm not sure how I feel about all this…

Ron: I seem to have gotten over my fanboy-ish-ness already or something.

Harry: It's great that we still hang out together like this, we hardly ever do it anymore.

Fangirls: OMFG KRUM WE WANT YOUR BABIEZ! Or at least a date to the Ball, come on.

Krum: *runs off crying*

~This goes on for way too freaking long.~

Review or members of the sex that you are attracted to will start glaring at you for no discernible reason so you will be discouraged from interacting with them for the rest of your teenage years.


	10. Teh REJECTIONS FROM HELL

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Doctor Who, Whose Line is it Anyway, Grateful Dead, Les Misérables, Pokémon 'Bridged, Me and My Dick, or Rifftrax.

~Meanwhile, in—okay, seriously? The great hall again? They're never even eating in there anymore!~

Ron: Are we really that undesirable? How do we not have dates yet?

Snape: Just because I am evidently not teaching Potions this year does not mean that I have suddenly turned into a nice guy. *shoves Ron's face into the table*

Ron: Pretty sure this qualifies as child abuse, sir.

Snape: HEY I don't care.

Book readers: Huh, this is new. Still managed to exposit the necessary dialogue, though…But when did Study Hall move to the great hall? Since when did Hogwarts even have Study Hall?

Ron: Well, at least Neville doesn't have anyone either, if the most badass character in the history of ever can't get a date then that makes me feel a little bit better.

Harry: Who cares if he can't get a date, did you see that break dancing routine he was practicing the other night? He can just go out into the middle of the dance floor and steal the rest of the movie!

Ron: That would be pretty fucking awesome, yeah.

Hermione: It would also be unnecessary, considering he's dating your sister.

Ron: Oh poopie.

iheartmwpp: Again, was the Yule Ball mandatory? Harry and Ron could've just attempted to skive off if they were that sullen about it, like I did with prom. The blame then would've been placed on the adults, most likely McGonagall, when Harry never showed. Which would've been an interesting angle to explore. There, I just gave you a free plot bunny. Go nuts.

Neville: I'm sitting right next to George and can hear you perfectly well, you know.

Ron: I AM SO JEALOUS OF YOU FOR MANAGING TO SCORE A DATE. Just don't hurt my baby sister, even though she grows into a pretty strong female character later in the series you could still probably kick her ass in a duel.

Neville: Nah, I'm too scared of her mother to try anything like that.

Ron: I bet.

Fred: *passes Ron a note*

Audience: …What happened to all the quills and ink and since when did the Wizarding World discover pencils? Also what's with the lined paper and Muggle journals as opposed to rolls of parchment?

Ron: "Get a move on or all the good ones will have gone."

George: Once again, you're being helpful to Ron. Who are you and what have you done with Fred Weasley.

Ron: He's got a point, you know.

Hermione: You're all chauvinist pigs.

Ron: Damn right. Wait, who are you going with, then?

Fred: Oh yeah, should probably ask someone. *chucks a piece of paper at Angelina* Oi, my twin's future wife!

Angelina: What?

Fred: *miming something*

Angelina: …Camptown racing?

Fred: *sputters* Camptown racing?

Angelina: Well what, then?

Fred: *mimes something else, then bellows* I'M A MIME!

Snape: How did I not hear any of this?

Angelina: For the love of Merlin's Grateful Dead T-shirts, what?

Fred: Fine, do you want to go to the ball with me, causing a ripple of anger amongst certain sections of the fanbase when they find out you marry George even though they should know that one date does not define a relationship and sometimes things happen and people break up?

Angelina: Oh, yeah, sure.

Fred: Aaaand done. Well that's one less thing to worry about.

George: I seem cool with this. Also apparently I'm going stag, we never see me with anyone.

iheartmwpp: Huh, I half-expected the twins to take bets on who would go out with who.

Ron: Wait, Hermione. I just noticed you have breasts. Also you fit the description I was looking for in the last chapter.

Hermione: I've had them for like two films, thanks.

Harry: Oh snap. Um, guys?

Ron: *mimicking Fred with the miming* Come with one of us? Preferably me?

Snape: SILENCE! *thwacks Ron on the head with Les Misérables*

Ron: *nearly passes out* I want a bran muffin with shrimp frosting and a tulip.

Snape: By the way, I still hate Potter. *bashes him over the head as well*

Harry: *also nearly passes out* It's hard for me to count money while I'm juggling ducks.

Snape: *is so busy beating small children that he doesn't notice a group of kids lighting one of the House tables on fire in the background. Honestly, what is with this movie and fire?*

Ron: Come on, though, Hermione, because of gender roles it's basically fine for a bloke to be on his own, he's expected to be able to look after himself. A girl, on the other hand, is still sort of supposed to be dependent on a man, even though this is the twenty-first century. People still really look down on women who are self-sufficient and if they're still unattached people can't help but wonder why they don't have a man yet when it's really none of their business.

Hermione: Okay, first of all, fuck you in the face for even suggesting any of that hippogriff shit. Second, I actually do have a man who's interested despite me being self-sufficient, someone else who noticed I have breasts apparently long before you did. *slams her notebook shut and turns it in to Snape, conveniently done with it right at that instant. Oh hey look, she was actually still using a quill if not parchment* Oh, and I said yes, since I figured you'd never ask me yourself. *leaves in a huff*

Ron: What is this, the sixth time I've said "bloody hell" this movie? But still, she's got to be lying, there's no way anyone but me would be even remotely interested in her that way…Right?

Harry: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Ron.

Snape: Are they still talking? *is hilarious, the way he pulls up his sleeves like that*

Ron: Look, we've just got to get this out of the way. The sooner we get this section of the film over with, the sooner we can get back to the awesome action and crap. Tomight, when we've gone back to the common room, we'll both have partners. Agreed?

Harry: Sigh, fine.

Snape: *grabs their heads and slams them together*

Ron: *has stars floating around his head* They sell good maple syrup in those underground taser markets.

Harry: *has dragons floating around his head* There's a penguin playing the piano…

~Oh yeah, it's December. Yay, snow. Hogwarts is so pretty…~

Harry: Why am I going up to the Owlery, anyway? Did I see Cho head over here on the Map and thought I'd try my luck? Am I hoping for further contact from Sirius which'll end up not happening in this version? It's not like I have anyone else outside of school I care about.

Remus: I love you too.

Harry: Hey yeah, what are you even doing this year, anyway?

Remus: Iunno, probably living off the pay I got last year from teaching.

Harry: So basically you've been dirt broke since you left.

Remus: Right in one.

Harry: Right, well, best keep going…Why didn't I wear my cloak, two sweatshirts is not enough to keep out the cold.

Cho: I EXIST!

Harry: HOLY SHIT. Um, hi, Cho…

Cho: Harry!

Harry: Um, can I just get by…

Cho: Sure, hang on, just let me, um…

Harry: Well this is awkward…

Cho: Yeah, hang on… *grabs him and spins him around so they've swapped places* Um, watch yourself on the stairs, considering it's cold and winter and there's snow everywhere we somehow have ice. Who would've guessed. *oh and she's Scottish. And everyone's surprised for some reason that I never got when people were complaining to me when the film first came out*

Rifftrax: She's from the highlands of China. Hard to eat haggis with chopsticks.

Harry: Okay, thanks. *starts to go in but stops, finally managing to grow a pair* Cho, wait!

Cho: *turns* Yo?

Harry: I was wondering…I was wondering if, if you…wantedtogototheballwithme?

Owl: *conveniently screeches right as he said that last part*

Harry: *panting heavily* Phew. There, I said it. Such a relief…

Cho: …Yeah, sorry to kill your good mood, but I didn't catch that at all.

Harry: I WROTE A SONG FOR YOU!

Cho: …You wrote a song for me.

Harry: Yeah, want to hear it?

Cho: …O…kay?

Harry: *whips out a guitar and bursts into song* You're tall and fun and pretty/You're really really skinny/Cho Chang/I'm the Mickey to your Minnie/You're the Tigger to my Winnie/Cho Chang/I wanna take you to the city/Gonna take you out to dinny/Cho Chang/You're cuter than a guinea pig/I wanna take you up to Winnipeg/That's in Canada! Whatever. *guitar vanishes*

Cho: …So as awesome as that song was, and really, it's the most perfect song ever, you can literally put any person's name in there and it just works, but…What was the point, exactly?

Harry: …I was hoping to impress you so you'd go to the Ball with me.

Cho: …Oh. Um, wow. This is awkward. But, uh, someone already asked me, and…well I agreed to go with him.

Harry: Oh…Okay then. Great. Fine. Whatever. That's cool. Not a problem. I mean it's not like you were basically my only chance or anything, it's fine, I hope you have a good time, and I'll just cultivate mushrooms in my emo corner and cry myself to sleep at night, it's brilliant. *turns to go*

Cho: Harry!

Harry: *rushes back immediately* I'm so glad you've changed your mind, you won't regret this, I promise—

Cho: No, I'm still going with that other guy. However, if we break up or if something horrible happens to him on account of being in this super-deadly Tournament or, Merlin forbid, He-Who-Is-Going-To-Be-Played-By-That-Evil-Bastard-From-Schindler's-List-Who-Is-Still-Going-To-Be-Far-Less-Evil-Than-That Horrible-Bastard-From-That-Movie ends up ordering his death or something, then who knows? Maybe something'll work out.

Harry: ABSOLUTELY. I CAN TOTALLY WAIT FOR THAT.

Cho: Awesome. See you! *leaves*

Harry: Laters!

~So he's back in the common room, without a partner. YAAAAAY GOOD JOB.~

Harry: Crap. It just sunk in that she basically turned me down and I have no one to take to the ball. So much for me and Ron's agreement. Huh, why am I holding the egg, was I trying to work out the clue again, hoping the pain in my ears would somehow mask the pain in my heart?

Ron: *comes catatonic into the common room, surrounded by girls he could potentially take to the ball. And his sister*

Ginny: Don't worry about it, Ron, I mean it's not like you'll be seeing a lot of her in the future—oh wait, yeah you kind of will. Never mind.

Harry: What's up with him?

Ginny: He just asked our future sister-in-law out. Bit weird when you look back on it, really.

Hermione: BITCH MUST DIE. *comes over to Ron with Harry*

Harry: So what did she say?

Hermione: No, of course! NO ONE CAN HAVE HIM BUT ME.

Ron: *shaking his head, moaning in pain*

Hermione: …What do you mean she said yes. Does Hermione have to choke a bitch?

Ron: Where the crap did you get the idea that she actually said yes. I just saw her walking by… *looks up at Harry* You know I like it when they walk.

Harry: Yep. You've told me many times. It's starting to get a little creepy.

Rifftrax: Yes, your distain for handicapped women is well documented.

Ron: And I just ended up…screaming at her to go out with me.

Ginny: *rubbing his arm consolingly* I mean, I've seen some pathetic attempts to get a date this month, but never have I seen such a…a pathetic…bumblefuck…as what occurred down there in the entrance hall.

Ron: *puts his face in his hands and starts crying*

Ginny: What were you thinking, you fat floating turd?

Ron: *sobbing hysterically* I know, right? It's like…it totally just blindsided me, it's like…It's like when you love someone so much, it's like they just have to love you back just a little bit, right? Waaah! *buries his face in his arm again, still weeping*

Hermione: *extremely hesitantly* …Ron?

Ron: Yeah.

Hermione: …I love you.

Ron: *sniff* Thanks, friend, I love you too.

Hermione: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!

Parvati: Check it out, we totally stole Hermione's pink jacket from the previous movie and duplicated it!

Padma: I should be in Ravenclaw.

Ron: Look at me, it's like…like I'm crying! Just…these tears keep coming out and I want 'em to go back in, it's like I'm crying! I'm crying! Eeeaagh! Eeeeaagh, God! *buries his face in his arm again*

Harry: *notices that a couple of attractive, possibly single girls just walked by and goes after them* …Fancy going to the ball with one of the Triwizard champions and his best friend who should by all rights be far more popular than he is by association?

~How'd they figure out who would go with who in this version?~

Review or you'll be stuck doing a chemistry project with Salad Sally.


	11. Teh FOR FUCK'S SAKE, IT'S JUST A DRESS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, The Vicar of Dibley, Me and My Dick, the Kickassia bloopers, Doctor Who, Book of Mormon, Code MENT, None Piece, Garbage Pail Kids, or Rifftrax.

~Aww, the Durmstrang ship has Christmas lights on it, that's so beautiful! Damn it, why do I want it to be Christmas now?~

iheartmwpp: Again, it's just fourth years and up, unless the older years want to ask the younger years, so what are those titchy little second years doing there?

~And then we cut to the dorms. Dunno why we didn't cut there at the start, but whetever.~

Ron:Can't believe I have to wear this bloody thing. Pity I don't think of cutting off the lacey bits like I did in the book. Alas, the price of being the comic relief. At least I'm wearing a bow tie. Bow ties are cool. Oh, and bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody's just bloody. It's a useful adjective with biblical overtones bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell.

The "bloody hell" meter: *just exploded*

Harry: Huh, my dress robes look more like a tuxedo with a really long coat than the green robes described in the books. Of course, the robes in the films look more like normal boarding school uniforms with cloaks anyway, so whatever. Doesn't really add to the whimsy, though. Also I'm holding a toothbrush.

Ron: *sees Harry in the mirror* …What the bloody hell are those and where the fuck did you get them and why didn't you get me a set.

Harry: They're my dress robes, I supposed I ordered them somehow and Hedwig delivered them or something, and I like seeing you suffer.

Ron: Well you actually look presentable! While I…I just look like a complete loser.

Harry: Come on, Ron! You're not a loser! It's just that nobody really likes you!

Ron: Good grief. I look like my great aunt Tessie. Because she totally wore bow ties, women are totally stereotypically known for wearing bow ties.

Harry: Of course they are, and if not they should be. Bow ties are cool.

Ron: That they are, and it's the only thing good about this outfit. Perhaps I should've washed it first instead of just throwing it on.

Harry: That might've been wise, yes.

Ron: *stares at the pair of them in the mirror* I want to die.

Harry: …Look, why don't you just not show up? I'll explain to Padma for you, I'll tell her it was my fault, that I shoved dungbombs under your mattress or something.

Ron: Nah, that might actually be a decent idea, we can't have that.

Harry: If you say so…

~And then they teleported downstairs. Because that's totally possible at Hogwarts.~

Harry: Quit fiddling with the bow tie.

Ron: But it's the only good thing about the outfit, I want to draw attention to it. Damn it, I should've worn a fez.

Harry: Yes. Yes you should've.

Ron: I still feel really bad that this'll basically be the worst night of her life, of course.

Harry: Well I don't know about that, if you're still your old funny self then I'm sure Padma'll still have a good time—

Ron: I was talking about Hermione.

Harry: How d'you figure that?

Ron: I mean, I dunno, it's just…It was inevitable that, one day, Hermione would realize that no guy would ever like her. You know, because of her obnoxious personality and her ugly face and her misshapen body, but, you know, it's just…I dunno, I figured that she'd get in at least one night of happiness before she realized she was gonna be growing old alone, you know?

Harry: But she said she was going with someone.

Ron: Yeah, but why d'you think she didn't tell us who it was?

Harry: Because you were already acting insanely jealous when you found out and it would only get worse if you knew the guy's name?

Ron: Of course not, it's because no one asked her. I would've taken her myself if she wasn't acting all stuck-up about it.

Harry: …Wow you're thick.

Patil twins: We look rather gorgeous.

Padma: …Merlin's athlete's foot, why did I agree to this. Least his hair's still nice.

McGonagall: Oh, there you are, Potter, we expected you twenty minutes ago! Are you and Miss Patil ready?

Harry: …What are you talking about?

McGonagall: To dance! It's tradition—

Harry: If I hear that word one more time, I'm gonna saw my own arm off.

McGonagall: Yes, but generally the three champions—well, in this case, four—are the first to dance.

Harry: And as there are four, shouldn't we just shove the traditions? Why are we even having this bloody dance anyway, it's only going to give fanfiction writers the idea that this kind of shit happens all the time so they can write really lame and contrived romance fics with unlikely pairings, or making a really pathetic attempt at getting my parents together. Besides, I never signed up for this!

McGonagall: Really? Could've sworn I told you about it.

Harry: Well you didn't. Which means you fail.

McGonagall: Oh, well now you know, so get to it.

Harry: But my arm was still broken when we had that lesson, I never learned!

McGonagall: Deal, bitch. *sees Ron* Well that's just the most pathetic attempt I've ever seen.

Ron: You can be quite cruel sometimes, you know that?

McGonagall: *is distracted by someone who actually had enough money to look decent*

Ron: Sigh, let's just get this over with.

Padma: I don't wanna.

Parvati: Do it anyway.

Ron: I'm such a gentleman. Shove.

Padma: OW! Bastard.

Cho: Oh, by the way, I went with Cedric.

Harry: I hate everything.

Hermione: *peeks around the corner. And most of the fandom was pissed*

Parvati: *is staring at Hermione* She looks beautiful!

Harry: *is staring at Cho* What are you nuts? Beautiful, more like super mega foxy awesome hot—Oh, Hermione. You're wearing a dress. And otherwise don't look any different even though this is supposed to be a huge transformation.

Hermione: Well it's not my fault Emma likes to wear beautiful dresses at premiers—

Harry: That's not what I was talking about. In the books, your hair is always bushy and only now would it be in any way tamed. Since last film, however, your hair is always stylish and perfect, and that only increased since the beginning of this film. Not to mention that, since last film, you're usually going around wearing form-fitting Muggle clothing that causes everyone to instantly consider you jailbait. Therefore, no difference and no one is impressed.

Jany Termime: The pressure was that she had to be so beautiful you wouldn't recognize her. At the same time, she still had to look like a young girl rather than a woman. I wanted something very romantic, very adorable. It is made out of many yards of silk, layer upon layer. And pink of course!

iheartmwpp: Why "of course"? Not all little girls like pink! Sure, I went through a pink phase for a few months, followed by, oddly, an orange phase, but I've always had a passion for darker blues since I was like one. Decent parents usually bend over backwards to get their children stuff that's their favorite color, like dresses and crap, and even though we don't necessarily know what Hermione's is that doesn't mean you should force gender stereotypes upon her, she was trying to break those!

Book readers: AND IN THE BOOKS IT WAS A PERIWINKLE BLUE. THIS MOVIE IS SO FUCKED UP AND WE HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE INVOLVED WITH THIS PROJECT.

iheartmwpp: …Calm the fuck down, people.

Parody readers: Mooney.

iheartmwpp: I WILL STRAP YOU TO A WORK BENCH, POUR HONEY ON YOUR GENITALS, THEN FIRE ANTS, AND WATCH AS YOU SLOWLY DIE AS INSECTS SLOWLY BITE AWAY YOUR FLESH.

Parody readers: Good to know that some things never change.

Krum: *walks up to Hermione, bows, and holds out his arm*

Hermione: Best. Night. Ever. *waves at Harry* OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING.

Doors: WE ARE OPEN.

Students: *applaud as the champions and their dates come in*

iheartmwpp: Huh, the guys are all wearing things that could pass as robes…while the girls are basically wearing prom dresses. Gorgeous, most of them, yes, but there's hardly anything robe-like or mystical about them. Plus it's fucking Christmas, aren't they cold?

Roger and Fleur: This relationship shall be rather short-lived.

Krum and Hermione: Yep. We're awesome.

Cedric and Cho: This will also be short-lived, sadly, but at least we're gorgeous.

Harry: *is too busy staring at Cho's ass to pay attention to anything else*

Padma: …Is that…Hermione Granger? With Victor Krum?

Ron: *bursts into song* Here I am, face to face/With a situation I never thought I'd ever see/Strange how a dress can take a mess/And make her nothing less than/Beautiful to me/It seems like my eyes have been transfigured/Something deep inside has changed… *hurriedly pulls his robes tighter around himself* They've been opened wide/But hold that trigger/This could mean daaaaaaangeeeeeeeer/I'm falling in love/Falling in love/Falling in looooove/I think I'm falling in love/Falling in love/Falling in looooooooove/With Hermione Granger.

Malfoy: Yeah, we're mostly sticking to canon in these things, no duet for you.

Parody readers: Aww man!

The great hall: *is the most beautiful set we will ever see in the films*

Parvati: I am loving this!

Harry: I would like to die now.

Flitwick: I'm the Charms, Chorus, and Band teacher, apparently.

Harry: We have chorus and band classes?

Parvati: Apparently. Oh, and we have to dance now.

Harry: Be warned, I have no idea what I'm doing.

Parvati: But won't you blow everyone away in How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying?

Harry: Yeah, if anyone had predicted that while we were making this film, they would've been laughed off the set.

Music: *begins*

Patrick Doyle: *totally improvised this tune while on set*

Champions and their partners: *start doing this really weird waltz thing where they keep changing hands and hoisting the female partner up into the air, I have no idea what's going on*

Dumbledore: I changed my outfit for the first time in two movies! Come on, Minerva, let's dance so everyone will write fanfiction about us before JKR outs me.

McGonagall: Oh all right.

Fleur: I seem to go for ze men with ze long 'air.

Filch: Prrrrrrr…

Mrs. Norris: Damn it, I never agreed to this!

Karkaroff: Shall ve dance?

Random witch: Who the hell are you?

Hermione: WHEEEEEE!

Neville: My hair looks awesome.

Ginny: I'm adorable.

iheartmwpp: …Look at the twins. Look at the twins. They look perfectly fine, quite respectable, actually. So Molly specifically sent Ron the worst set of dress robes ever, while Ginny gets a rather adorable dress and the twins are absolutely stunning. If that doesn't confirm Ron as the unfavorite, I don't know what does. Oh wait, actually, I do. First book, Percy got Hermes and some new robes for scoring prefect, while Ron didn't even get his own wand. And that's canon. WHAT MORE EVIDENCE DO YOU NEED.

Moody: *is wearing a kilt* You know whenever I wear this something bad always happens. *also he has a little pouch thing with a ferret sticking out of it. I'm not sure why* Oh look, they've got nibbles! I love nibbles. *eats some nibbles while downing some more Polyjuice Potion and looking rather deranged*

Hagrid: Yeh want ter dance?

Maxime: I 'ave silver 'ighlights in my 'air.

Hagrid: Yeah, yeh look stunnin'. So how 'bout it?

Maxime: 'Ow 'bout what?

Hagrid: Do yeh want ter dance with me?

Maxime: I do not understand your meaning.

Male students: *chuck their female partners into the air all at the same time*

Malfoy: No, I am not the ferret in Moody's lap, you can clearly see me with someone who is presumably Pansy.

Music: *swells, as the deleted scene begins and the camera soars over the dancing couples and looks toward the absolutely gorgeous ceiling that's covered in icicles and snow's falling and stuff, it's fucking beautiful*

Flitwick: Can't see through this blasted fog—Ah, there we go. Everyone pay attention. SHUT UP! Now then, for the first time, playing live here at Hogwarts, please welcome…THE BAND THAT NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE WEIRD SISTERS! What, did the filmmakers get scared off from that one band that tried to sue JKR for stealing their band's name even though they totally didn't have a chance? Also apparently lumos now activates an awesome lightshow. Who knew.

Hogwarts students: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS AWESOME!

Durmstrang and Beauxbatons students: APPARENTLY BRITISH BANDS ARE MASSIVELY POPULAR IN FRANCE AND WHEREVER DURMSTRANG IS AS WELL!

Flitwick: Also turns out the mist in the back was just a set of curtains. And magic speaker systems really just translate to nailing a bunch of megaphones to the back wall. THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE.

Lead singer: *is wearing a pretty black fur coat, seems to have stolen Sirius's haircut, and is holding a small megaphone* ALL RIGHT, HOGWARTS! ARE YOU READY FOR SOME REAL MUSIC!

Students: FUCK YEAH! *cheering like crazy*

Lead singer: COME ON! I WANNA SEE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!

Random Durmstrang student #6: Vat if ve're bowing at your feet over and over again?

Lead singer: Oh, well I guess that's cool. THE REST OF YOU, HANDS IN THE AIR!

Lead guitarist: *is holding a three-neck guitar*

Audience: Okay, that's pretty hardcore.

Lead guitarist: *looks like your average emo wannabe, complete with black lipstick*

Audience: …Nevermind.

Lead singer: WE'RE GONNA TEACH YOU A BRAND NEW DANCE TONIGHT, AS NONE OF YOU KNOW HOW TO CLAP YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD REPEATEDLY! AND NOW I'M GONNA ASK YOU IF YOU'RE READY OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

Rifftrax: If I say no, will you stop?

Flitwick: THIS IS AWESOME! * dives into the crowd and is held up by everyone at Hogwarts*

iheartmwpp: Fuck this shit, DANCE PARTAY! WOOOOOOO! ALL Y'ALL GO LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD OF READING MY DESCRIPTION OF IT, IT IS MUCH MORE WORTHY OF YOUR TIME AND EFFORT. Oh, for the very few who don't know, it's called "Do the Hippogriff." IMMA GO DANCE NOW! *cannot dance to save her life BUT WHO CARES IT'S CATCHY. Also badass bagpipes. Awesome*

Bassist: *looks like a raccoon*

Students: *are headbanging all over the fucking place*

Stereo system: Huh, smoke spewing out of the speakers is usually a bad sign.

Badass bagpipe player: My makeup is awesome.

A couple of students: *jump higher than anyone else is jumping around*

Lead singer: Allow me to slap my ass repeatedly as I sing about shaking your booty like a boggart in pain.

Students: WE ARE COOL WITH THAT!

Lead singer: Also sometimes the words don't match my lips, but ignore that, anyone with any sense would be dancing their ass off during this scene anyway.

Badass bagpipe player: *is still badass*

Students: *bang their fists twice on "CREATURE OF THE" and open their hands on "NIGHT!" Did they all plan that? Did that get popular somehow at one of their other concerts?*

And now: *a guitar solo*

Lead singer: OBSERVE AS I SING WITH MY MEGAPHONE UPSIDE DOWN! AAAAAAHH COME ON! YEAH, CAN YOU DANCE LIKE A HIPPOGRIFF, YEAH YEAH YEAH!

Random Durmstrang students #5 and #6: VE ARE NOT VORTHY!

Rest of Hogwarts: THAT WAS AWESOME!

Filmmakers: …The plot! Shit, we totally forgot about that! Um…Let's just put this on the DVD, it'd make a nice music video. So…yeah, let's rewind a bit to the beginning of that song…Ah, there we go. We now return you to Harry, Ron, and the Patils sulking at one of the tables.

iheartmwpp: All right, my kind of party! Wait…Seriously? Harry and Ron are the only people there who don't like dancing? BULL POOP! There's got to be more…unless they've all done as I've been saying this whole time and not gone…

Hermione: Holy crap, cannot believe how much fun I'm having right now!

Krum: *twirls her around repeatedly*

George: I'm dancing with someone, bugger if I know who.

Ron: My complete change in the way I look at Krum should make it obvious that I'm jealous of him dancing with Hermione to anyone with half a brain.

Harry: Oh my God. MY SHOES ARE ON FIRE!

Hermione: Still having more fun than you!

Ron: But yeah, Krum's an idiot.

Harry: And here I thought that all his trips to the library were to try to look up how to survive the Tournament.

Ron: Pfft. Why the hell would he do something like that? He's obviously been stalking our best friend this whole time.

Harry: Huh. Creepy.

Patil twins: What the fuck are we doing here.

Karkaroff's aide or whatever: You look pretty and alone. Vould you like to dance?

Parvati: I will literally sleep with you if you get me away from these ass clowns.

Karkaroff's aide or whatever: Now let's not get carried avay, I only asked for a dance.

Parvati: That works too.

Padma: Oh come on!

Harry: I seem to not care.

Song: *ends*

Krum: *pulls Hermione out of the mosh pit as Parvati and Karkaroff's aide or whatever enter it*

Ron: Why do famous people get everything, honestly.

Harry: What're you talking about, the girl I like is over there with Cedric…Stupery.

Krum: *kisses Hermione's hand and walks off*

Hermione: *spins around, squeeing*

Ron: GLARE OF DOOM.

Hermione's eyebrows: Huh, even though no one really expected me to be much of a party person, I can't believe Harry and Ron aren't enjoying themselves as much as I am. *sits down next to Harry* Wow, considering the only workout we ever really get at this place is going up and down hundreds of flights of stairs on a daily basis, this dance has me completely out of breath. Viktor's just gone to get some drinks. Would you three care to join us?

Harry and Padma: Yeah, sure—

Ron: No. No we don't.

Padma: Don't speak for me, asshole!

Harry: Question mark?

Ron: We don't want to join you and Vicky for anything, thanks.

Hermione's eyebrows: What is with my expression here, I should look far more disturbed and weirded out by his behavior. And what's got your wand in a knot anyway?

Harry: Where the hell did you learn wizarding colloquialisms like that?

Hermione's eyebrows: Iunno.

Ron: But I thought we agreed that Karkaroff might've put Harry's name in the Goblet. Karkaroff's from Durmstrang. Krum's from Dumstrang. We always thought Krum was a bit dim, Karkaroff might've sent him out to get information on Harry through you or something.

Hermione's eyebrows: I'm ignoring that rather sound argument in favor of reminding you that you always wanted Krum's autograph.

Ron: Again. The reason for my behavior. Should be obvious. To anyone. With half a brain.

Hermione's eyebrows: I think Garbage Pail Kids was a really deep and impactful movie.

Ron: I'm up to my tits in morons.

Hermione: Besides, the whole point of the Tournament is international magical cooperation.

Ron: You sound like Percy.

Hermione: *looks as though she's been slapped in the face*

Ron: Besides, I'm pretty sure he thinks of you in a more romantic sense. And also a more sexual sense.

Hermione: And now I am extremely uncomfortable and I am leaving now. *leaves now*

Harry: You feeling okay, mate? You're acting a little weird.

Ron: FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN'S DISLOCATED KNEECAPS, GROW A FUCKING BRAIN.

Padma: You just asked me out for the sake of having a partner and that's it, isn't it.

Ron: Basically. Sorry.

Padma: Well if you hadn't, I think Parvati and I would've ended up not having dates either, so I suppose we should be grateful. Still, we haven't really done anything and this night's turning out to be a total drag.

Ron: Yeah, kind of just got my heart broken right as I realized I was in love, I know I'm not very good company right now.

Padma: Oh. Well, this probably wouldn't be the best time to ditch you then.

Ron: Nah, go have fun, one of us should.

Padma: Really? Thanks! *leaves*

Hermione and Krum: *are chatting in the background*

Harry: WHAT IS GOING ON.

~RANDOM CUT-OFF POINT.~

Review or someone will be wearing something you didn't expect them to wear and this will somehow destroy your faith in humanity.


	12. Teh DAMN IT THAT'S FABULOUS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Doctor Who, Code MENT, None Piece, some random icon I found once, or Rifftrax.

~Later during that same song…Merlin, that's a long song…~

Harry: Apparently I'm going for some fresh air without Ron for some reason—Oh. Um…Could've sword third years weren't allowed to come to this dance, but okay…

Third year-looking boy: Piss off, I'm totally about to score here! *goes back to eating the poor girl's face off*

iheartmwpp: Am I the only one who finds thirteen-year-olds making out to be really squicky? Oh wow, I just paused the DVD at a point where Harry really looks like Snape from the back, what with the dramatically billowing robes and the long, flowing, not-at-all-greasy hair.

Harry: Huh, a carriage that's rocking back and forth with the windows misted over. Wonder what that means OH MY GOD.

Dude: …This is exactly what it looks like.

Chick: *just because all we see of her is a bare arm* Why can't you take your clothes off too, this is really uncomfortable for me.

Harry: Okay, moving away quickly…Wonder if I even know about sex, iheart has no idea if they teach any kind of sex ed in British schools, it's highly unlikely that the Dursleys have told me a goddamn thing since they didn't even teach me to swim or anything, which definitely isn't gonna come back to bite me in the ass later. And it's not like Sirius has had all that much time to tell me anything, I don't think I was ever that close with Remus, and Ron and Hermione probably just take it for granted that I know everything already. Huh, do I see someone coming, I seem to be walking away rather quickly—

Karkaroff: It's happening again, Severus!

Snape: I told you, I don't want to hear any more about your erectile dysfunction.

Karkaroff: Not that, the other thing! And you won't be able to deny it much longer, either.

Snape: I already know about the other thing as well, and I really don't care. Now if you'll excuse me, I must strut over to this carriage and look fabulous while doing so.

Harry: Damn it that's fabulous!

Snape: Why does lumos also open windows?

Couple: OH SNAP. Thank Merlin we still have our clothes on.

Snape: Ten points from Hufflepuff, Fawcett. And the same from Ravenclaw, Stebbins.

Book readers: Kindly switch Houses, plzkthx.

Fawcett and Stebbins: *go off to snog in one of the many, many deserted classrooms the teachers probably aren't even bothering to check*

Snape: I feel the need to close the carriage door for them after they've gone. What are they all doing out here anyway, Dumbledore couldn't possibly have put them there for this very purpose…could he?

Karkaroff: You're an idiot. How else vere ve to get to the castle in this weather? It's snowing, and the girls' dresses can't be all that warm.

Snape: Good point.

Karkaroff: But you're avoiding the subject. It's a sign, Severus! You know it is!

Harry: Wha…?

Snape: Uh-huh, sure.

Karkaroff: Vell let's see vat your arm looks like then! *goes to grab it*

Snape: *backs up against the carriage and holds his left arm above his head, looking for all the world as though Karkaroff was trying to have his wicked way with him and he was powerless to avoid it*

Karkaroff: …That looks really gay.

Snape: *realizing this, slowly lowers his arm*

Karkaroff: But yeah, I know this freaks you out just as much as it does me.

Snape: And here I thought this conversation couldn't get any more homoerotic.

iheartmwpp: WHY, FANFICTION DOT NET, WHY?

Harry: Would you stop looking for shit that you know will make your eyes bleed?

iheartmwpp: Speaking of, there was this one really fucked up one I found involving you, Ron, and Hermione going into Remus's compartment on the train and—

Harry: *covering his ears* LALALALALA IF I DON'T HERE ABOUT IT THEN IT DOESN'T EXIST LALALALALA.

Snape: Besides, I don't have anything to be freaked out about. You, on the otherhand…

Karkaroff: *runs away screaming*

Snape: Pansy. *leaves*

Harry: …What the hell did I just witness?

Moody: Snow! Ah, real snow! Proper snow at last! That's more like it, lovely!

Harry: OH CRAP, I MISSED THE REST OF THIS SONG! AND IT'S SUCH A GOOD ONE TOO!

~Sorry, I'm just really fond of these three songs, no idea why. Well, maybe not "Magic Works" as much as "Do the Hippogriff" or "This is the Night," but they're still good, IMHO.~

Ron: I still think he's using you to get close to Harry.

Hermione: Quit planning out slash fic!

Ron: I meant so he could sabotage Harry's chances in the Tournament or to kill him for Karkaroff or something. Also I think he's just fooling around and isn't seriously interested in you.

Rifftrax: He wants a taste of your sweet, extended, library privileges.

Hermione: I can take care of myself, you know, I happen to know more spells than anyone else in our year.

Ron: Maybe, but he's still way too old for you.

Hermione: What, are you not in favor of Remus and Tonks getting together?

Ron: No, I meant right now, wait till you're of age at least!

iheartmwpp: Ron's got a point, actually, at least coming from an American standpoint where if you're seventeen and you give a sixteen-year-old a blowjob you go to prison for five years and have to tell people you're a convicted sex offender and child molester for the rest of your life. I really wish I was joking. Viktor's eighteen, Hermione's fifteen. Whether they did anything beyond snogging is irrelevant, I'm extremely surprised that the moral guardians on this side of the pond didn't freak out, since we barely respect other nations' customs any other time.

Hermione's eyebrows: Well you know what you should've done, don't you?

Ron: Apparently not.

Hermione's eyebrows: Next time there's a dance, realize you're in love with me before the damn thing so you can try to ask me before someone else does! AND NO ONE SHOULD BE A FUCKING LAST RESORT, FUCKWIT.

Ron: Can you wait till Book Seven?

Hermione: Eh, sure.

Ron: Bitchin'. Oh hai Harry.

Harry: Can't believe what I just heard…

Hermione: Where have you been?

Harry: Oh, just overhearing some stuff that was too relevant to the plot to make it into the movie. Yourself?

Hermione: Eh, just getting my heart broken.

Harry: Cool.

Hermione: Now you and Ron go on off to bed now.

Harry: We're so completely whipped that we instantly follow all your orders.

Ron: I don't wanna, I like this song.

Hermione: YOU'LL GO TO BED AND LIKE IT.

Ron: Meep.

Hermione: You know, every day, everyone is trying to put me down, and on the one day I actually feel like a person, you try to RUIN IT!

Ron: Holy shit!

Hermione: What is wrong with you, Ron!

Harry: What. Did. You. Do.

Ron: I don't know. I NEVER KNOW.

Hermione: *collapses on the stairs and takes her shoes off* And my feet hurt and everything. I fucking hate today.

Different girl a bit further up: Hey, I got my heart broken too, wanna trade stories on how men are all jerks?

Hermione: I'm all ears.

iheartmwpp: The current eyebrow count is approximately fifty-four.

Neville and Ginny: *still look adorable together. Damn it, now I'm starting to ship them*

Seamus: Is this tall girl I'm dancing with supposed to be Lavender before she was officially cast?

Hagrid: Can I get a little sugar, baby?

Maxime: No means no.

Hagrid: Ah, gypped.

Angelina: Am I still dancing with Fred or did I switch to the twin I'm actually going to marry?

Rifftrax: Yes, the spiked punch did flow at the ball that night, and afterwards, countless mistakes were made in the private rooms of the famed school. From then on, it would be known for a very different kind of warts.

~And of course ravens/crows/whatever routinely hang out near the Giant Clock Tower of When The Fuck Did They Get A Giant Clock Tower just so they can fly away creepily when the bell tolls.~

One of the ravens/crows/whatever: Imma conveniently fly right up to Gryffindor tower where the audience can watch the protagonist sleeping, giving a brilliant view of Hogwarts while it's snowing in the meantime. And now Imma poke at the window.

Harry: *is sweating and breathing quite heavily while sleeping*

Audience: …Should we be watching this?

Dream: THIS IS A DREAM SEQUENCE.

Grim Reaper: This would be hysterical if there was a lighthearted Christmas song playing in the background.

One of the ravens/crows/whatever: OH MY GOD I CAN TELEPORT.

Grim Reaper: Hey look, there's a skull under my hood. Who knew.

Audience: Why are we watching the beginning of the movie again? Yes, yes, there's Pettigrew and the Doctor, we get it—

Voldefetus: Let me see it again.

Audience: …Huh?

Barty Crouch Jr.: *rolls up his sleeve*

Dark Mark: Haaaaai.

Voldefetus: Huh. It's wiggling. That's odd.

Wormtail: I wanna see!

Harry: Well this is new.

Voldefetus: I also apparently sense Harry's presence. Either that or in his nightmarish state he's taken the old Muggle's place. Either way. So then I was like, "Avada kedavra," and he was like, dead.

Harry: HOLY CRAP. *wakes up* And my hair's shorter again.

Neville: My hair's different as well. What is with these scenes? And why do I have my shoes around my neck, I get that my feet probably hurt a lot by now but this is just silly.

Harry: Oh. Hey Neville. You just get in?

Neville: Uh-huh. And presumably everyone else is back already, unless Ron took a walk of depression out in the snow again. Also I'm incredibly cheerful.

Harry: If you're even thinking about implying what I think you're implying—

Neville: OH GOD NO, she's like thirteen! I'm just glad I was actually able to have a good time at a social event, that like never happens.

Harry: Oh. Okay then. Night.

Neville: Night.

~How did everyone not want to dance with Neville, he was like the best one there!~

Review or random statues of grim reapers with angel wings will invade all your dreams. DON'T. BLINK.


	13. Teh WHY THE FUCK IS MYRTLE STILL ALLOWED TO BE AT HOGWARTS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Doctor Who, Friday, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, My Immortal, Code MENT, The Fifth Element, or Rifftrax.

~ABRUPT TRANSITION—Damn it, is that fucking bridge still there? Fuck.~

Hermione: Harry, you told me you figured the egg out weeks ago, though granted you probably would've immediately told me exactly what the clue was and what you were going to do about it so I'm really not all that sure why I took your word for it. But yeah, the task is two days from now, you might want to get on that.

Harry: Nah, I figured I should procrastinate right up until the event like most normal teenagers. Where'd Ron go off to during this scene anyway?

Hermione: Not a clue.

Harry: So did Viktor already figure the clue out?

Hermione's eyebrows: No idea, contrary to Ron's belief we don't actually talk about the Tournament. Actually, we don't really talk at all, our relationship's kind of boring like that. Viktor's more of a physical being.

Harry: …Do you realize how that sounded?

Hermione's eyebrows: As soon as the words left my mouth. *they giggle maturely* I just meant that he doesn't talk all that much. Mostly he just watches me study. It's a bit on the severely creepy side, actually, I'm not entirely sure I'm very comfortable around him. This relationship probably won't last much longer.

Harry: Huh. Pity, you two looked great together at the Yule Ball, but yeah, if he makes you that uncomfortable then it's not worth it.

Hermione: Thanks, but quit changing the subject. You are trying to figure the egg out, right?

Harry: No shit, I do like living, thanks. Thinking about actually trying to give up for this one, though.

Hermione's eyebrows: These tasks are designed to test you.

Harry: No, they're trying to kill us. Horribly.

Hermione's eyebrows: Nah, it's a test, I'm sure of it. A really brutal one, though, it's almost cruel.

Harry: Pfft. Almost? If they weren't cruel, WHY AM I STILL BEING FORCED TO PARTICIPATE?

Hermione's eyebrows: Hang on, let me move to your other side, maybe my point'll actually come across if I do that. Thing is, I'm scared for you.

Harry: Thanks for the vote of confidence, I feel so much better now.

Hermione's eyebrows: I do what I can.

Harry: Fuck you.

Cedric: Hey, Potter! Glad I FOUND you! And apparently we're not on a first name basis yet.

Harry: Really? Then why am I calling you Cedric?

Cedric: Iunno. But how ya doin'?

Harry: Well, I'm gonna die in two days, so, you know, can't complain.

Cedric: …Right.

Harry: Wait, why are you even asking?

Cedric: Just concerned.

Harry: O…kay…

Cedric: Anyway, I never really thanked you for warning me about the dragons.

Harry: Eh, I'm sure you would've done the same for me.

Cedric: Exactly.

Rifftrax: You get me.

Cedric: But since I'm now in your debt, I want to repay you by giving you a hint about this task.

Harry: You mean you're gonna flat-out tell me what it is? Awesome, let's here it!

Cedric: You know the prefects' bathroom on the fifth floor?

Harry: …The second task is to take place in the prefect's bathroom.

Cedric: Of course not, that'd be stupid. I'm just telling you, by looking around and getting really close and whispering creepily into your ear, that' it's not a bad place for a bath. It's kind of like a hot tub, actually, it's really soothing.

Harry: Um…I need an adult?

Cedric: I qualify as one now, actually. Just take your egg and…relax, don't worry about anything, everything will be all right as long as you do exactly as I say. *walks away*

Harry: …Okay, how much fanfiction.

iheartmwpp: A shitload.

Harry: Sigh.

~If Cedric really wanted to return the favor, he'd either tell Harry that he had to stay underwater for an hour, or told him outright that he had to put the egg underwater in order for it to make sense.~

Taps with different colored water gushing out of them: These transitions are becoming more and more abrupt, aren't they?

Harry: I'M NAKED!

iheartmwpp: And the fangirls squeal. Pity Equus wasn't announced yet.

Harry: Huh, this is nice. And it's also really lucky that none of the prefects felt like bathing tonight. Also…Tell me there's a separate prefects' bathroom for girls, as the fifth years would still be underage in Britain.

Stain-glass window of a mermaid: *lights up* I have a six-pack. Hey, wouldn't it be cool if merpeople actually looked as good as me? Now observe as my hair magically covers my nipples and never moves!

Harry: What the hell am I doing here? *stares at golden egg*

Golden egg: …Hi. I exist.

Harry: *stares at golden egg*

Golden egg: …You mind not doing that? It's kind of disturbing.

Harry: *stares at golden egg*

Golden egg: Oh for the love of Merlin's stolen Rolex, DO SOMETHING.

Harry: The egg just talked to me. I must be out of my mind. *picks up the egg and opens it*

Golden egg: *bursts into song* Kickin' in the front seat/Sittin' in the back seat—

Harry: *quickly shuts it* Damn it, why did I have to suffer through that again?

Myrtle: Try putting the egg into the water.

Harry: Wha…?

Myrtle: I sure do love bathrooms!

Harry: OH NO NOT YOU.

Myrtle: Heeeeeey. Long time, no see. Of course I never really saw you from this angle before, should be interesting… *tries to see past the bubbles*

Harry: Please leave. Now.

Myrtle: *ignores him and floats up* I saw a blocked drain on my way here. Could've sworn I saw some Polyjuice Potion, which is major and obvious foreshadowing for later.

Movie watchers: So the Doctor's using Polyjuice then? Is he pretending to be their new teacher?

Book readers: Actually, why would Crouch Jr. throw any Polyjuice down the drain, wouldn't he save up any he could? He's gonna run out by this point!

Myrtle: *staring at the mermaid picture thing* That's a hell of a chest. Anyway, you're not brewing illegal potions again, are you? You could've used my bathroom again, you know.

Harry: Which is precisely why we decided to never brew it again ever, though where we got all of it in Films Seven and Eight is entirely beyond me.

Myrtle: What's with this room, there are more bubbles in here than the place where they made Fizzy Lifting Drinks.

Harry: Hang on, did you say try putting it in the water? Also I still have an unhealed cut from the dragon on my shoulder, though I'm pretty sure that won't carry on to later movies.

Myrtle: *pretends to dive into the bath water, but miraculously doesn't create the same splash she usually does with toilet water. I are confuzzled. And then she resurfaced* Tee hee hee hee hee. That's what he did. The other boy who I frequently spy on in here. Why am I not banned from the castle yet, honestly.

Harry: *tries to bring more bubbles closer to himself so she won't see him naked*

Myrtle: …You do know that there are no bubbles underwater? I already saw everything.

Harry: *shuddering madly* Oh God, leave. NOW.

Audience: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Harry: What is WRONG with all of you?

Audience: Oh please, Rape Is Okay When It's Female On Male!

Harry: NO IT ISN'T! If I were a female and Myrtle a male, you'd be horrified out of your minds right now! Just because our sexes are swapped does not mean it's suddenly okay! It's still rape, it's still horrible, no still means no regardless of sex, and it's still WRONG.

Audience: Uh-huh, sure. *stares at the underage male's nipples, ignoring everything else*

Harry: *shudders* No amount of bathing will ever make me feel clean again, and now it'll just be worse than ever because now I know there's always the possibility that she'll be there. Watching.

Myrtle: So yeah, I also spied on Cedric's sexy bod, that's how I know.

Harry: That poor man, I'll have to break it to him later. Gently. But yeah, I should probably try that, it's probably the real reason why he sent me here. Could've told me that, but noooo… *picks up golden egg*

Myrtle: Well go on, then. Open it.

iheartmwpp: If I did the math right, and if IMDB and Wikipedia are both telling the truth, Shirley Henderson was forty when she did this movie. I really don't want to think about how exactly this scene was shot.

Harry: *opens the egg, then ducks under the water—wait a minute, ducks his head under the water? How the fuck was he able to keep his eyes open and hold his breath underwater? I've lived across the street from a fucking lake all my life and I still can't do that shit, I never had the balls to take my goggles off! The few times I've tried, water immediately went up my nose and my eyes started burning. Even baby shampoo that's supposed to feel like water on your eyes, says so on the bottle, fucking burns, because I never got used to water being in my eyes. You need to practice to be able to do that, and we know he never got that with the Dursleys, so what the fuck?*

Golden egg: *sings the song that's on the soundtrack that they made sound really creepy in the Fifth Video Game. Shockingly, they were true to the book with this one*

Myrtle: Hey, what's that under the egg that you're clearly holding with both hands?

Harry: *quickly resurfaces* Would you stop doing that?

Myrtle: Oh, now don't get all miserable. Come on, Harry. You've still got me.

Harry: Which is exactly. What. I don't. Want.

Myrtle: Tough shit, the director thought this was funny so we're doing it.

Harry: Well I'll just have to go on a mad killing spree on the filmmakers then, won't I.

Myrtle: Tee hee hee hee hee!

Harry: Damn it, I still need information. Sigh. *turns to the nearest source of information* Myrtle…

Rifftrax: Why aren't you in hell?

Harry: Are there merpeople in the Black Lake?

Myrtle: You have a bubble on your back. And yes. Way to beat Cedric in the brains department. When I spied on Cedric in the bath, almost all the bubbles had gone by the time he figured it out. I could see everything. You're bigger.

Harry: …I think I'm gonna be sick. *pushes more bubbles in front of him even though he knows it's useless*

Myrtle: *ignores his feeble attempts to get away and leans—sort of—against his shoulder as he whimpers in humiliation*

iheartmwpp: Oh my God, this is horrible! Why doesn't Harry report this? And before you argue that he didn't want to get in trouble, first of all, he can put some of the blame on Cedric for showing him where the bathroom was. Second, maybe it's just me, but I kind of feel that SEXUAL HARASSMENT is a little more serious than going out after hours.

~Also kind of wondering how Harry managed to escape that hellish nightmare. Myrtle probably watched the entire time as he dressed and left. WHY IS SHE STILL THERE.~

Ron: Snore.

Hermione: Harry, tell me everything again.

Harry: For the last time, I was sexually molested by a ghost and I don't. Want. To talk about it. That clear enough for you?

Hermione: The poem, you mediocre dunce.

Harry: Oh. "Come seek us where our voices sound."

Hermione: So we've established that that's the Black Lake. Wake up, Ron.

Ron: *gets the egg shoved in his chest* Wow, it's pitch black. Are we allowed to be in here right now?

Hermione: Nope!

Harry: "An hour long you'll have to look" was the next line.

Hermione's eyebrows: So you'll have to learn to breathe underwater for an hour. That's potentially problematic.

Harry: *staring at her incredulously* Potentially problematic? How about you go through this shit if you're so calm about it?

Hermione's eyebrows: Well it's just one thing we have to solve, otherwise you just have to go for a dip in the Black Lake, that's not such a big deal.

Harry: Funny story about that. See, the Dursleys never actually made sure I knew how to swim, so that's another thing that'll be impossible to figure out by tomorrow morning. I mean, if we actually do manage to find a way to breathe underwater for an hour, then whatever, as long as I stay beneath the surface I'll be fine, but despite the crazy, fucked up universe we live in there's no way I'll just be magically able to swim and stay afloat and stuff.

Hermione's eyebrows: Don't worry about it, Harry, all three of us are working together again, we'll be able to figure it out with no problem. We always do.

Ron: I have no lines in this scene! Hooray!

Moody: Oh, are you two helping Potter survive the Tournament so he can make it to the third task relatively unharmed? That's my friends at work! Good boys! Buuut I'm afraid Imma have to break you up now. Professor McGonagall would like to see you in her office.

Rifftrax: She'd ask you herself, but she's quite drunk.

Moody: She only wants the sidekicks; Potter can stay behind.

Hermione: If only that was possible.

Moody: If only that "were" possible. Condition clause.

Hermione: Whatever, we need to help Harry prepare. The second task is only hours away, and if you haven't noticed, Harry has no idea what he's doing.

Moody: Mm. Busy schedule. But first…you gotta get past me.

Hermione: Oh come on, do any of you lot care about the welfare of your students now that Remus is gone? Harry could die in a couple of hours!

Moody: *scratches his ear* Sweet, maybe. Passionate…I suppose, but never mistake that for nice. Now get.

Ron: Hang on, just let me put the egg down.

Hermione: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED. *follows Ron and they leave*

Harry: Well, no point going on without them. Either I'm allowed to give up before the task begins or I'll drown. Should be fun.

Moody: Oh listen to you! Defeated before you even started!

Harry: …Dude. We've been researching for hours, there's nothing here! I'll never ever be able to do it!

Moody: Never say never ever.

Harry: …Maybe you could give me some last minute advice again?

Moody: …Well, I suppose, but that's…that's…Technically I haven't got time for this. Longbottom! Take Dobby's place, would you?

Neville: Okay, but only if I can do it next film as well.

Moody: *beams* Couldn't get rid of you if I tried. *leaves*

Neville: *carrying an absurdly thick book* I assume that I've just spotted a plant book. If you don't mind, I'm going to go on and on about my favorite thing in the world and pretend you give a shit.

iheartmwpp: Neville probably sounds to Harry how we sound to people who don't like Harry Potter.

Harry: Neville, I'm really really sorry, but I'm most likely about to die in a few hours, and I'm really not in the mood to listen to what you have to say right now. Herbology is not my favorite subject and it's kind of getting annoying to hear you go on and on about nothing else.

Neville: Fine, fuck you then, I'm outta here.

Harry: Now, if there's a Tibetan Turnip that'll allow me to breathe underwater for an hour, then I'll listen to anything you have to say and will never complain again. But otherwise—

Neville: Tibetan Turnips are only good for reducing signs of magical herpes when consumed. Tibetan Turnips do not actually protect from pregnancy, HIV, or STDs.

Harry: …Good to know. I'll have to remember to mention that to Greyback later. Or not…

Neville: Gillyweed'll be the stuff you're looking for.

Harry: …I appreciate the help, and I'm glad that you're given a bigger role in these films, but—

Neville: But you still miss Dobby.

Harry: Kinda, yeah.

Neville: Totally understandable, I actually agree with you.

Harry: Good. Glad we got that out of the way.

~I don't care that they're wicked expensive, you have like billions of dollars from this franchise, WE WANT DOBBY!~

Review or Myrtle will watch you when you bathe. And change. And use the toilet. And masturbate. AND BUY GROCERIES. SHE'S ALWAYS. WATCHING.


	14. Teh NO ONE CAN SEE A DAMN THING

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Doctor Who, The Shoebox Project, Finding Nemo, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Little Mermaid, Ponyo, Hetalia: Axis Powers, THe Vicar of Dibley, Pokémon 'Bridged, Code MENT, or Rifftrax.

~The set-up of the grounds in the fifth video game doesn't even suggest you could go down to the lake, where the crap is this?~

Fred: We're still taking bets, going uphill while everyone's going downhill and making it incredibly unlikely that we'll even be on time for the start of the task at the rate we're going.

George: We also appear to be walking way too fast for people to even place any bets in the first place.

Fred: Aaaand we're highly in favor of everyone drowning.

George: What nice people we are.

Ginny: My one line in this one is way more pathetic and useless than the one last film!

Fred: And we're ignoring you because we're such lovely elder brothers like that.

George: And we really don't care if our future sister-in-law fails horribly. Seem to be hoping for it, actually.

Neville: Here, have a handful of really nasty green crap.

Shoebox Project readers: Whoa, Neville's a drug dealer!

Harry: And you're absolutely sure this'll work?

Neville: Oh yeah, complain all you like about my knowledge being annoying, yet the moment it comes in handy you doubt me. That's real nice, that is.

Harry: I'm just making sure. And it'll last a whole hour, right?

Neville: Most likely.

Harry: …Most likely?

Neville: There's some debate among herbologists as to the effects of fresh water versus salt water. You'd think they would've printed the exact effects in a book or five by now. Anyway, I know in one type of water it's sixty minutes and the other type it's five, bugger if I can remember which one's which.

Harry: AND YOU COULDN'T'VE DOUBLE-CHECKED EARLIER?

Neville: It's not like I had a lot of time, you know! And be grateful I'm helping you at all, I could've just told you to sod off and not have bothered, you know, I got better shit to do with my time.

Harry: Point. I never did properly thank you for doing all this for me, did I? Now I feel like a complete prat. Sorry, I'm just really pissed that Ron and Hermione aren't here, they're always here, WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY.

Old people manning the boats: WHO THE FUCK ARE WE.

Neville: …You seem really nervous about this, Harry.

Harry: Did the growing dark stain on my trousers give it away?

Neville: Kinda.

Students: WHERE THE CRAP DID THESE THINGS COME FROM.

Dumbledore: HEY it's the part of the Tournament no one remembers because of a lack of dragons and Voldemort. Hooray. Last night, we kidnapped a group of underage students, drugged them, and tied them to the bottom of the lake. We're already preparing our defense for when we inevitably get sued for breaking Merlin knows how many laws, so don't even bother trying. Anyway, we're making our champions swim to the bottom of the lake and grab them for us. Should be fun.

Champions: …It's February. Our teachers really do want to kill us off. Won't that be great fun, all out classmates watching us slowly succumb to hypothermia.

Moody: Put that in your mouth.

Harry: That's what she said. *noms gillyweed*

Dumbledore: Also, despite it being February, the champions will be forced to only wear bathing suits in the freezing cold water!

Champions: *shivering violently* We. Hate. All of you.

Dumbledore: Hey, you signed up for it, don't yell at us.

Harry: I didn't sign up for it!

Dumbledore: Don't care, hurry up and drown.

Cedric: Exactly whose idea was this part of the Tournament, anyway, so I know who to smother with a pillow while their appendages flail pathetically as they are slowly deprived of oxygen?

Fleur: And why are all of you wearing more clothes zen moi?

Male champions:*snort* Barely.

Moody: Somebody's got one hell of a fetish.

Dumbledore: Oh yeah, one more thing. They've only got one hour, and if they don't make it back in time, we won't even bother helping them. Yay!

Cedric, Fleur, and Krum: Well, nice knowing all of you!

Harry: God, this is disgusting!

Moody: You don't miss a trick! *slaps him on back*

Dumbledore: We don't really have much of an obvious gag with the cannon this time, do we, Filch?

Filch: Mreow. *sets off cannon*

Cedric, Fleur, and Krum: *dive in*

Moody: Come on. You're ever so plucky. *shoves Harry into water*

Harry: God damn it, maybe I should've told someone other than the people who didn't bother to show up to support me that I can't swim…How am I talking underwater and why does my neck hurt. Oh hey, I have gills, that's cool. And I have flippers and my fingers are webbed. Neville probably should've told me all this so I wouldn't waste precious seconds.

Seamus: Okay, why are we even here? Who thought that it was a good idea to set up a Tournament where we couldn't even see what the Champions are doing? That just sucks the enjoyment out of it for the rest of us! If I'd known that this was the outcome, I wouldn't have even bothered to show up and just get the results from someone who didn't mind standing out in the cold February air for over an hour once everything was over! Ah well, at least the third task won't be like this.

Dean: My performance is unbelievably wooden.

Neville: …Did I just kill Harry Potter? This means…that I now rule this school. Excellent, heh heh heh, ha, AHAHAHAHAHAHA! *turns away, cackling madly*

Harry: Again, why am I wasting precious time flipping for the crowds?

Dean and Seamus: WHOA, THAT WAS AWESOME!

Neville: DAMN IT! Why do I miss EVERYTHING?

Dory: *bursts into song* Just keep swimming/Just keep swimming/Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming—

Dolphins: *burst into song* Your world's about to be destroyed/There's no point getting all annoyed/Lie back and let the planet/Dissolve around you—

Sebastian: *bursts into song* What do they got/A lotta sand?/We got a hot/Crustacean band!

Harry: All right already, we get it, I'm underwater with a bunch of fish and crap, enough with the references!

Random red goldfish with a face: PONYO LOVES SOSUKE!

Harry: SHUT UP! Okay, I'm swimming down into the depths of the lake now.

iheartmwpp: *doesn't have enough time/is too lazy to rewatch Finding Nemo for the sake of additional references*

Harry: …And I'm still swimming…and yes, the underwater effects and plants and stuff look pretty cool…and I really don't know what else to tell you—Oh hey, a mermaid singing.

Ariel: *bursts into song* What would I give to live where you are/What would I pay to stay here beside you—

Nostalgia Chick: *broad smile* I hate this movie. I really do. "I sold my soul for a vagina and a man I don't know."

iheartmwpp: …Well when you put it like that—

Harry: WILL YOU SHUT UP AND JUST LET ME FOLLOW THE CREEPY MUSIC.

Fleur: I'm 'ere too!

Harry: That's nice. *just keeps swimming*

Fleur: …I 'ave a bad feeling about zis…

Grindylows: We have tentacles.

Fleur: I'm out.

Harry: Meanwhile, I nearly just got run over by a mermaid.

~We now abruptly transition to Moody looking at a watch with an eyeball on it and stuff.~

Moody: All that apparently took twenty minutes.

Dumbledore: And the French chick immediately surrenders. YAY STEREOTYPING!

iheartmwpp: For some completely unrelated reason, I feel like watching Hetalia: Axis Powers. And eat pasta.

Neville, Dean, and Seamus: We're sitting with the teachers, I guess as friends of the champions or something.

Karkaroff: I'm still evil and stuff. Grr. Arg.

~And now back to Harry.~

Mermaid: As I conveniently lead you exactly where you needed to go…

Harry: …Okay, thought it would take me longer to reach this place…Wait…No…No way…They did not…

Ron, Hermione, Cho, and Gabrielle: WOW we look fake.

Harry: …They are. They're drowning four of their own students. Cho's for Cedric and that's Fleur's sister, I can only assume Hermione's for Krum, and Ron's mine I guess. Oh God, I don't believe this…If they're not up before the hour, they'll drown! Sirius hammered into me that people die in this Tournament, but I thought I just had to look out for myself and maybe the other champions, no one ever mentioned that others might die as well! Oh God, they better just be put under an enchanted sleep or something, because if not, I will never forgive Dumbledore. *swims up to Ron* I'm not entirely sure why I'm touching Ron's face like this…Come to think of it, if Ron's the thing I'd miss most, I wonder why people don't put us in more slash fanfiction?

Ron: You want us to be in slash fanfiction together? What is wrong with you?

Harry: I can't hear you, you're unconscious.

Ron: Oh yeah.

Harry: Though it's nice to see that Hermione's hair is finally canon again. And now as I swim down and untie your seaweed tie thingy—Oh hai Cedric, guess I should've figured that you'd FIND this place eventually.

Cedric: …You are shitting me. You are shitting me.

Harry: IKR.

Cedric: I'm going to kill everyone who's ever been involved with this Tournament. What if we didn't get here in time?

Harry: Get in line.

Cedric: *zaps Cho's seaweed tie thing, grabs her arm, turns to Harry, and taps his watch with his wand*

Harry: …Yes. It's a watch. It's nice.

Cedric: No, get Weasley out before the time's out, dumbass. *swims off*

Harry: Not without Hermione, I won't. Honestly, if it did come down to a choice between the two of them, I honestly don't know what I'd do. *pulls out his wand to aim for Hermione's seaweed tie thing*

Merman: Hmm, let me think about—no. Trident to the throat, bitch.

Harry: Did you not hear what I just said? I'm not leaving unless both of them are safe!

Merman: One or none. And now we'll all flee in terror. *all merpeople flee in terror*

Harry:…Well that was convenient—OH GOD SHARK.

Krum: OM NOM NOM. *eats Hermione's seaweed tie thing, grabs her arm, and drags her off*

Harry: …Well she's safe. Now to save Ron…Linking arms with him like this makes us both look even gayer. Again, what's with the lack of slash, honestly. Oh, right, the little girl. Aaaaand Fleur's nowhere to be found and I'm convinced that these guys'll drown if I don't grab her. Let's see, conveniently no merpeople around, so…zap.

~Meanwhile, as Cedric makes it back with eight minutes to spare, which isn't canon since he should've been a minute late…~

Cho: AIR!

Cedric: OH THANK GOD WE MADE IT IN TIME.

Students: FINALLY SOMETHINGS HAPPENING BESIDES PEOPLE LOSING.

Cho: Hi everybody, I'm…wet and cold and dying.

Crouch Sr.: Sorry I'm late, by the way. I made the mistake of going into my toilet and it hasn't been flushed for ten days. I've only just regained consciousness.

Dumbledore: …That's nice. Let's go down below. And give me a close-up, these tasks are kind of lame now that we've got the dragon out of the way.

Crouch Sr.: They can be a bit of a bore, yes.

Rifftrax: Ah, the caring Hogwarts staff. It's a good day when only a handful of their students die alone and in terror.

Hermione: I AM ALSO ALIVE and next to a shark, that's not normal.

Krum: *shrinks his head back down* Better?

Hermione: Considerably, thanks.

Karkaroff: Stiiiiiill evil-looking.

Fleur: WHAT ZE FUCK 'APPENED TO MY SISTER.

~There are like no clever transitions to make besides "Meanwhile, back in the lake" and lame crap like that.~

Harry: Swimming upwards while dragging up two unconscious people when you barely know how to swim to begin with is no easy feat…especially when the thing that's ensuring that you can swim in the first place is starting to wear off. Shit, there go my webbed fingers. As long as I still have my gills for a few more minutes, and as long as nothing unexpectedly grabs me and drags me downwards, I should be okay.

Grindylows: We still have tentacles. *grab Harry's no longer flipper-ified leg*

Harry: …This is gonna suck.

Grindylows: Also we're everywhere.

Harry: Damn it, even though we totally went over them in Lupin's class I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO! Maybe kicking them in the head'll do something.

Grindylows: Not really.

Harry: Hmm, let's try showing off my amazing and nonexistent upper body strength and push these two up in the vain hope that they'll make it to the surface and you concentrate all your efforts on me instead of going after them. And my gills have disappeared. Brilliant.

Grindylows: Now. You. Must. Die. Also tentacles.

Harry: Should've given up as well, what the hell was I thinking. Also, any fanfiction or was it too obvious?

iheartmwpp: Hell, I ain't that masochistic!

Harry: Eh, might as well spontaneously do nonverbal magic.

Grindylows: Apparently it worked. Bye. *swim away*

~Time's up.~

Ron and Gabrielle: AIR.

Fred, George, and Ginny: We should probably be acting a lot more relieved instead of just generically cheering like we are. Even Percy was a better sibling in the book than we are right now. And that's just fucked up.

Malfoy: You can see me pushing Nigel's hat down over his eyes in the background.

Fleur: OH THANK MERLIN. *says something in French, in relief that her sister's fucking alive, I assume*

Ron: Okay, I've helped this little girl get to the dock thing…by all rights I should be wondering where the fuck Harry is and possibly going down to save him when I realize he's still drowning and stuff. But I won't because the films say I'm an asshole.

~…So yeah, Harry's still drowning and stuff.~

Harry: Crap, can't breathe. Why isn't there air underwater? Looks like I'm really going to die here…Or I can totally do some noncanon magic to make me suddenly leap into the air for some reason! WHEEEEEEEEEE!

iheartmwpp: "Ascendio" is easily one of the best songs by the Ministry of Magic wrock band. YouTube it. I COMMAND YOU!

Neville: Whoa, he's alive! Man, I do hope his lungs don't explode due to the rapid change in water pressure!

Harry: *crashes onto the deck thing* Ow.

Dumbledore: Harry! *actually gets down on his hands and knees to make sure he's all right. WHAT THE HELL WHERE IS THIS WHO ARE YOU DO YOU HAVE ANY PEANUTS*

Moody: That's better, hello!

Dumbledore: Well he's alive, and that's all I care about. Moving on, Barty, get the rest of the judges.

Audience: Well it was nice while it lasted.

Seamus: I'm showing more concern than the headmaster. Shouldn't the adults in charge of a school actually care, or at least pretend to, when a child gets injured horribly like this?

Fleur: *rushes over* You saved my baby sister even though she wasn't yours to save! Did you zink everyone was going to drown if you didn't too?

Harry: …Wait, they weren't?

Fleur: Apparently not.

Harry: …Well I feel stupid now.

Fleur: I just told you zat I felt ze same way! Zey really should 'ave told us zat zey would be fine!

Harry: That's what me and Cedric were saying earlier!

Fleur: We need to meet up and talk about zis and what we can do to stop zees ass'oles.

Harry: Sign me up.

Fleur: *smiles, kisses him on both cheeks, and looks up at Ron* Getting back to my sister, you 'elped!

Ron: Well since I'm not getting anywhere with Hermione, and never will at this point judging by the rest of this scene, might as well take what I can get. So…I guess I helped her swim to the oil rigs or whatever these are?

Fleur: Zat ees good enough for moi! *pecks him on each cheek, mutters something to Gabrielle in French, and leaves*

Ron: And I'm stiiiill moist. *does a quick happy dance*

Hermione: Harry! I'm ignoring the fact that Ron just got kissed by my Eternal Rival and that he's probably worse off than you are heat wise considering that he and I were in the water for a considerably longer period of time in FEBRUARY and should've gotten out of these wet clothes immediately for fear of hypothermia. Still, you must be freezing! *wraps her towel around him*

Ron: …So am I.

Harry: Indeed, yes, I am quite cold, thanks for wondering. I'm also in agonizing pain right now, so if all of you could stop manhandling me, that'd be great.

Hermione: The hell are you talking about? You look fine.

Harry: I think my spleen just ruptured. I'm peeing blood.

Hermione: Quit being a pussy! Also I think you behaved admirably, despite you not even being fully aware that your actions were completely unnecessary yet.

Harry: Also I finished last, which is suddenly all that matters.

Hermione: *kisses Harry on top of the head*

Ron: …Must not ditch Harry out of jealously again, must not ditch Harry out of jealously again…

Hermione: Oh please, that was just sisterly affection.

Ron: No one will believe that and you know it. Steve Kloves really needs to stop needlessly fulfilling his own fantasies with these two. And what REALLY pisses me off is how the directors keep letting him.

Hermione's eyebrows: Whatever, the point is that Fleur never even got as far as you did. Also I'm making fun of her accent, implying that she's incompetent because she's French. Prejudice is so much fun!

Students: WE ARE CHEERING FOR RANDOM CHAMPIONS!

Dumbledore: SHUT UP!

Students: WE DIDN'T HEAR THAT!

Dumbledore: I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Students right next to him: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING.

Neville: …Why are you touching me?

Karkaroff: It's only my hand on your shoulder.

Neville: Still with the not feeling all that comfortable.

Karkaroff: Deal, bitch.

Neville: I NEED AN ADULT!

Dumbledore: Well, even though I'm right here, I'm too busy shouting and announcing and crap.

Neville: Exactly what makes Hogwarts the safest place EVAR again, I'm seeing none of it.

Dumbledore: So yeah, Cedric got here first, he wins.

Cedric and friends: WOOT WOOT.

Rita: I'm still in the movie! In the crowd where barely anyone can see me and I have no more lines, but I'm still here!

Dumbledore: Also he did the Bubble-Head Charm pretty well, despite it being described as a bubble that completely surrounds the head instead of just a transparent sack covering the mouth and nose area, but whatever. However, since even though I barely care that he's okay I still like to show favoritism, Harry got to the actual site first, and only stayed behind so he could make sure that everyone was safe even though he was kind of stupid to think we'd actually let the kids drown, but whatever.

iheartmwpp: …In the book, Cedric was described as being "panic-stricken" when he finally found Cho. Fleur seemed convinced that her little sister had drowned, and was fighting hysterically to get back into the water. I couldn't tell what Krum was feeling, he was kind of half-shark at the time. None of the champions knew that their treasures would be perfectly fine. Even Percy, who was standing in as a freaking judge and therefore knew perfectly well what the procedure was, freaked out a little over the safety of his youngest brother. These kids were told repeatedly that people die in this Tournament. Therefore, Harry's actions weren't illogical in the least, and Hermione can stop bringing this up and using it as an insult any time now.

Dumbledore: I'm awarding him second place for outstanding moral fiber, so shut up.

Rifftrax: Our rules are arbitrary and ever-changing!

Hermione's eyebrows: Second place, Harry!

Harry: …It was kind of hard not to hear the first time.

Karkaroff: I spit on you, sir!

Dumbledore: I don't make the rules. Oh, hang on. I do.

McGonagall: I notice that there were no female teachers here, apart from Madam Maxime who we barely see any of, which is kind of hard to pull off but they managed it. Of course, the male characters are the only ones who get any kind of focus. What a fucking shock…If I'm not here, then how am I talking…Audible gasp! I'M MAGIC!

Nigel: I can see again! YAAAAAAAAAAYZ!

Malfoy: No you can't. *pushes his hat back down and walks, disgusted with the fact that Harry didn't drown. Keep writing slash fics with those two, everyone, they totally make sense!*

~The eyebrow count is currently a round sixty…assuming that chapter four was the last time I counted this, admittedly all I did was a quick scan of previous chapters so I'm not sure. If not, I've officially lost count, so let's just pretend that I'm right.~

Review or your school administration will drown your best friend for the sake of a Tournament that no one even gets to fucking watch.


	15. Teh HEY LOOK, A DEAD BODY!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Doctor Who, TeamFourStar's Dragon Ball Z Abridged, Family Guy, The Vicar of Dibley, or Rifftrax.

~Hey, remember that drying charm that Dumbledore could do with ease in Book Six and even Hermione could do somewhat in Book Five? Me neither, now let's watch the Freezing Trio of These Towels Aren't Thick Enough.~

Fred: Hey, Moral Fiber, thanks for saving our brother back there.

George: Even though you didn't need to and we don't care at all.

Ron: Since this is basically normal for me, I'm going to join them in insulting your intelligence.

Harry: Awesome. Remind me to never save you again, not even if you were poisoned. Bastard…Oh, Neville! Neville, who's not actually in this scene but we wanted to add more funnies!

Neville: Yo?

Harry: I have a question about that gillyweed.

Neville: What is it?

Harry: These visions I'm having where everyone's a purple and turquoise polka-dotted tap dancing giraffe with flowered bonnets, are they normal?

Neville: Oh, right, they are also mild hallucinogens, they should wear off in a few minutes or so.

Harry: Oh okay, awesome—OH MY GOD!

Neville: …You're not seeing the kickboxing turtles who attack with rusty scalpels, are you? Those tend to cause people to go on murderous rampages and attack every toaster in sight…

Harry: Neville, Neville, NevilleNevilleNeville—

Neville: What already?

Harry: We…we…we…we…don't interrupt me…we totally…need to make these into brownies…and smoke them.

Neville: *dies laughing*

Harry: Then we'll be smoking brownies!

Neville: I love your idea!

Ron: …Okay, we're gonna take Harry somewhere to calm down now—

Harry: I'm gonna cut off my ear to prevent World War II.

Ron: …This is gonna be a long night.

Crouch Sr.: Hi, I'm still here.

Harry: Oh bugger, the one guy Sirius explicitly told me to stay the crap away from. Now how to get out of talking with him politely…

Crouch Sr.: Walk with me for a bit?

Harry: ABSOLUTELY!

Moody: *sigh* I'd rather you were fighting.

Fred: Apparently we were gonna meet up with you guys at Hagrid's later. Oh well, whatever.

Crouch Sr.: Not that you have to come, o'course, 'cause I know I'm a misery. Though I have got a lot of love in my heart, as any of my cows will tell you. If they could talk. Which they can't. Which is a shame, in one way, and a bloody relief in another. 'Cause what would they say? "Oh, what have you been up to today?" "Oh, standing in a field, what about you?" "Standing in a field. What about you?" "Yes, standing in a field."

Harry: …Kay then.

Crouch Sr.: No, really, I'm used to being rejected. Just like I've been rejected every day by everyone ever since I was born.

Harry: I'm…already walking with you, sir.

Crouch Sr.: Oh, right. So yeah, anyway, I've heard your story so many times and probably wouldn't have sought you out otherwise.

Harry: *eyeroll* Lovely.

Crouch Sr.: Of course, I also sympathize with you a bit for losing your family like that, implying that I actually show a sign of remorse for sticking my son in Azkaban which is so totally not canon. Really, I should be showing some degree of sadness for the loss of my wife, but she was only the entire reason that I broke my son out of prison in the first place, why would she be important.

Harry: Er…

Crouch Sr.: Some folk's lives…They're full of love and softness. Other folks…They never get to know the sweet tenderness of human contact. The sun is out, the sky is blue, there's not a cloud to spoil the view. But it's raining…It's raining in my heart.

Book readers: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PAINTING CROUCH SR. AS A SYMPATHETIC CHARACTER?

Moody: Bartemius!

Crouch Sr.: Yo?

Moody: Not trying to turn Potter into one of your Ministry puppets, are we? The last one who went into the Department of Mysteries never came out!

Book readers: *blink* Oh hai foreshadowing.

Moody: I'm being facetious. There's no call for it.

Crouch Sr.: Oh I hate it when that happens, it breaks my heart.

Moody: *does weird-ass tongue thing*

Crouch Sr.: …Considering that I know that my son is out of prison since I helped him escape, there really is no reason for me to not draw my wand and hex the crap out of you right now…

Moody: Oh bugger… *does tongue thing again*

Crouch Sr.: Meh, whatever, I'll just leave now. *leaves now*

Moody: Phew. Still, they say I'm mad.

Rifftrax: Just because I made a stocking cap out of my own back-hair and married a raccoon!

Crouch Sr.: Hmmm…This would probably be a bad time for me to wander off into the forest all on my own…Eh, I'm sure I'll be fine.

Moody: Hack. Damn Polyjuice is nasty. *inhales* Ah! Smell that Atlantic breeze! Nice and cold, lovely!

Harry: I'm still cold and wet. Can I go join my friends now?

Moody: Nnn, little bit cheeky, aren't we? Look at the hairs on the back of my manly hairy hand.

Harry: Um…

Moody: Point is, there was no reason for you to play the hero. It was cute when you were younger, but this is real life we're dealing with now.

Harry: For the last time, I legitimately thought that they were going to die. You can't expect me to just swim away!

Moody: *eyeroll* Gimme a break.

Harry: Well sorry, but I care more about people's lives than winning some stupid game.

Moody: Stop talking about yourself like that! You can do this, I promise!

Harry: What, is the next part of this about how there are things worse than merpeople after me and I should be more careful and shit?

Moody: Yeah, but you're safe, anyway.

Harry: How am I safe?

Moody: You're not, that was a clever line to shut you up. *leaves*

Harry: …Can I go back to my friends now?

Moody: *calls over his shoulder* Don't play games with me!

~Later, at the rendezvous with Hagrid that the twins didn't show up at…Where'd Ginny get off to earlier, anyway? Or was she even less concerned about Ron than the twins were?~

Hagrid: Hey, remember waaaay back in the day when yeh were all small an' cute an' adoragable an' yeh weren' actually allowed inter the Dark or Forbidden or Whatever The Fuck Forest? Me neither! Oh, an' none o' yeh fit in or nothin'. Which was cool because I could relate immediately.

Hermione: You? Stand out from a crowd and have people make fun of you because of that? Never!

Hagrid: They did an' they still do, believe it or not. But now, we're still together, four years later!

Ron: Oddly enough, we still don't fit in. I mean, Harry's the Boy Whose Hair Will Be Tragically Shaved Off Next Film, so by all rights he should be at the very top of the social ladder, with Hermione and me at either side. Instead, I suppose because of Hermione's nerdiness, my money issues, and Harry's general bad luck with having everyone turn against him at a moment's notice, we're stuck at the very bottom or something, second only to the likes of Neville and Luna. Who should actually be higher up than Dumbledore, but let's face it, our school is kind of dumb.

Hermione: Why are the two of us standing so close together and why is Harry waaay the crap over there?

Hagrid: Maybe we're still a group o' outcasts, but we've all got each other at least. An' Harry, o' course, assumin' he would like ter join us any time soon. YEH HEAR THA', HARRY? OH MR. SOON TO BE YOUNGEST CHAMPION EVER?

Hermione: …The Age Line was only put up this year, surely back when the Tournament was held regularly there were several younger champions competing and perhaps winning.

Hagrid: I wouldn' know, ter be honest. An' don' call me Shirley.

Harry: Wow, I'm really sullen in this scene, what's up with that? Am I more affected by people calling me Moral Fiber than I thought I'd be? Or am I reflecting back on what Moody was telling me back in that deleted scene or something?

Hagrid, Hermione, and Ron: *burst into song* Hogwarts, Hogwarts, hoggy warty Hogwarts/Teach us something please… *at least I think Ron joined in, it's kind of hard to tell since Harry won't go anywhere near them for some reason and because of the rising music volume. Dad, get the hell away from my keyboard. Well of course I don't trust you!*

Harry: OW! Merlin's rented tux, why is it hurting now, it's a Death Eater that did this, not Voldemort, he's not even anywhere near here and there's no real reason for me to link up with me now! None of this makes any fucking sense—oh hey, a dead body. An…actual dead body. Oh God…Oh God, Mr. Crouch…How did this…Who…HAGRID! HAGRID, COME QUICK!

~Pfft, as if Harry would be at all traumatized over finding a dead body, he's fine.~

Ron: I'm giving out useful information again. This scene'll be cut, you watch. Kloves will sell his soul before he lets anyone but Hermione have any screentime.

Harry: That's nice, but why would Fudge want to cover up what happened to Crouch?

Ron: Look, despite this film's vain effort to make him appear to be a sympathetic character, nobody liked the fucker. My dad didn't either, he greatly enjoyed ranting about him at home. Loads of people wanted him dead. My dad used to come up with rather elaborate methods involving the blenders he'd enchanted, it was really quite terrifying. But he's an important Ministry official, so there was really nothing anyone could do about it, kind of like with Umbridge. I mean, it would've been fine if his body'd been found in Knockturn Alley, then they could pin it on some of his enemies or something. But he was murdered at Hogwarts. Where there are lots of ickle children you can easily pick off. Oh, and it's an important historical place of goodness, but whatever, it's still a big deal.

Hermione: None of the things that happened so far this year can be a coincidence. Things that happen in this entire series rarely are. Now allow me to summon up the chunks of the movie that weren't part of the Tournament. You can't just survive this anymore, Harry.

Harry: …So I should just die in the third task then?

Hermione: …Yeah, that sounded weird. I mean, I still want you to survive, I'm just saying that there are bigger things happening.

Harry: …Yeah. Sirius told me earlier.

Hermione: Oh. Well I still think you should talk to Dumbledore this time.

Ron: What she said.

Harry: Cool. But first I need to try getting over stumbling across a fucking dead body, so if you don't mind… *stares into the flames*

Sirius: Hey, my head's still not here!

Harry: Bugger.

~Why doesn't anyone ever think of sending this kid to a therapist? Ever? Does the Wizarding World even have therapists?~

Review or you will find a dead body of a fictional character no one really liked the next time you go into the woods.


	16. Teh MERLIN THOSE HATS ARE STUPID

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Doctor Who, IT, The Room, Code MENT, the Nostalgia Chick, The Vicar of Dibley, Potter Puppet Pals, Star Wars, Suburban Knights, Pokémon 'Bridged, Eddie Izzard, None Piece, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, 

~STUFF IS HAPPENING AND IT IS COOL.~

Harry: Hey cool, the griffin statue thing's still here. Does that mean that…could it really be…DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE IS STILL LOCATED IN THE SAME PLACE?)$()!*$)*$&)#

Dumbledore: Wake up. Take a breath. You smell that? It's DEATH.

Fudge: I don't understand.

Dumbledore: …A man has literally died on Hogwarts grounds instead of dying offpage while we all wondered just were he ran off to. That's actually a larger cause for concern if you think about it, since I'm trying to run a school here, and making sure the little ones don't get picked off one by one is kind of a priority of mine here, you know?

Fudge: Yeah, well, the people want a strong leader, so I can't really budge on this.

Dumbledore: You don't listen to people, you listen to ME! *slap*

Fudge: Owie! *starts sobbing pathetically* Mummy, I got a boo-boo!

Dumbledore: Oh yeah, definitely a strong leader, this one.

Fawkes: I'm still in the movies!

Fudge: Look, just because this Tournament has a very long track record for killing small children, a fourteen-year-old going up against three seventeen-year-olds is practically equivalent to a first year going up against three fourth years, and one of the judges was murdered incredibly close to where the Tournament takes place is no reason to cancel it! That's just silly, you silly!

Dumbledore: Prove me wrong.

Fudge: You're wrong. There, I win.

Harry: I have suction cup marks on my neck.

Dumbledore: …Okay, I've made a few difficult and seemingly wrong decisions in my time, but this time I'm fucking right, bitch! You don't actively hate me yet, side with me, damn it! Honestly, you don't have to care about what other people think of you, their opinion isn't that important—

Fudge: I JUST WANT TO BELONG.

Moody: Oh right, I forgot, did you get that message?

Fudge: What message?

Moody: Shut up!

Fudge: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

Moody: *quite calmly* I could break down your government with a single word. No, not a single word. Just six.

Fudge: I don't think so.

Moody: Six words.

Fudge: Stop it!

Moody: Six. Also Potter's been eavesdropping again. *opens the door canonically, with his wand*

Harry: I should knock to announce my presence even though Moody just told them I was here. I AM A GENIUS.

Fudge: Oh hai Harry. I…think this is pretty much the last time we'll talk to each other civilly in the entire series. Guess we better savor this rather short moment while we can, eh?

Harry: I'm ignoring you. Professor Dumbledore, wondered if I might have a word?

Dumbledore: Sure. Lightbulb. Go nuts.

Harry: *facepalm*

Dumbledore: Minister, I wanna talk to my favorite student nowz. GTFO.

Fudge: *does a rather nice glare here, I'm impressed*

Dumbledore: We'll walk you to the door to make sure you actually fucking leave this time, I don't want to catch you sleeping in Hagrid's garden again.

Fudge: Oh, one time!

Dumbledore: Don't forget your trademark!

Fudge: How can this bowler hat be my trademark, it's not even lime green!

Dumbledore: And Harry, while you're waiting, feel free to snack on a few licorice snaps in my absence. But I have to warn you, they willeat the flesh right off your bones and dig into your skull for brains. So don't grab a handful or they'll rip your fucking eyes out, you dumbass. *winks and leaves*

Moody: *whispers to Harry on his own way out* Don't you think he looks tired. *closes the door canonically, with his wand. Yeah, sorry, still not used to that*

Harry: Why are we focusing on me as the door closes? OMINOUSLY?

Moody: Iunno.

Harry: HI FAWKES!

Fawkes: HI HARRY!

Harry: And now to glance around the room aimlessly—OH MY GOD CANDY! OM NOM—Wait, why does it have teeth?

Licorice snaps: We shall devour your very essence, pitiful mortal.

Harry: WHAT IS THE POINT. *slams into cabinet…thing*

Licorice snaps: WE HAVE KILLED BEFORE, AND WE WILL KILL AGAIN!

iheartmwpp: A BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT. No, seriously, I get that he opens the cabinet…thing this way, but they're still really dumb. What happened to the weird dancing lights and his natural curiosity? It's called being observant, looking at things, and touching your headmaster's personal belongings while he's not there. Really not that hard, gais.

Harry: Must…smash…psychotic candy—Ooooooooh, shiny.

Pensieve cabinet…thing: I AM OPEN.

Harry: Huh, a random stone bowl thingy set into a cabinet…thing that will have fans bitching when its design inexplicably changes in Film Six to a really shallow floating bowl thingy and then suddenly Film Eight will be all "No, the really shallow bowl thingy was inside the random stone bowl thingy, and it's also a Frisbee." IT TOTALLY PLACATES EVERYONE except not really at all considering you probably shouldn't be throwing it around like that and really you could've just stick your face in the really shallow bowl thingy while it was still in the random stone bowl thingy. Seriously, there was no reason for the fucking Frisbee thing of thingy thingness. Also what's up with the mirrors, what purpose do they serve aside from acting like the menu for levels in the PS2 version of the video game?

Rifftrax: Meanwhile, the licorice snaps have murdered eleven people and fully consumed their internal organs.

Harry: Oh right, the shiny. Imma poke it with my wand. And…apparently that's all it needs to send me careening into it! Okay, weird, unless they did have me stick my face in but it's not all that clear so I don't really know. And stuff. Also I'm screaming. Have fun with that.

Dumbledore: I'm not wearing my hippie hat. I are depressed.

Harry: …What the fuck just happened. Oh hai Dumbledore.

Random wizard: Hey, Albus, I read your latest article in Transfiguration Today, are you sure you remembered the five exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration? 'Cause I'm pretty positive you can't conjure sherbert lemons out of thin air.

Dumbledore: *punches wizard in the face; the punch goes right through Harry*

Random wizard: *clutching broken nose* Well if you didid wand do dalk aboud id, you could've said so. *walks off* Whad a dick.

Harry: Wait a minute…I'm in a memory? But that's impossible, it's not even in black and white!

Torture chamber in center of courtroom: THIS IS TOTALLY HUMANE.

Karkaroff: I haff to stand in this thing? But it's all pointy and shit!

Crouch Sr.: Behold, the stupidest hats in existence!

Audience: Merlin's curly back hair! Whoever designed those hats should've been fired immediately.

Crouch Sr.: Let's hurry this up, my bladder's been playing up again. I spend so much time in the stable's toilet, I'm thinking of sending out change of address cards.

Dumbledore: Why won't you stop talking.

Crouch Sr.: Anyway, Karkaroff's basically here to sell out his old comrades, and in return we're gonna let him go. And for some reason allowhimtoteach. I'm sure that won't have any negative consequences whatsoever.

Dumbledore: You know what I call it? I call it EXPECTING SOMETHING FOR NOTHING!

Karkaroff: …Seriously, could you back it up vith the pointy things? It's kind of hard to stand up straight. Damn, do you use this shit for mere suspects too?

Crouch Sr.: With me practically in charge at this point? Probably.

Karkaroff: Okay, you're an asshole.

Crouch Sr.: Just get on with the bullshit already.

Karkaroff: Okay, there vas Rosier. Evan Rosier. Good buddy of Snape's if Black is anything to go by…and pretty much all ve know is that he supported the Dark Lord. And that's about it.

Crouch Sr.: I can haz paperwork?

Random other wizard: Give me a few hours to sort through this crap, hang on…here you go.

Crouch Sr.: Thanks. He's dead.

Karkaroff: Oh fuck a duck.

Mad-Eye: And the only thing he's known for is taking a chunk out of my nose.

Dumbledore: May the bastard rot in hell for this truly heinous crime.

Harry: This system is so eternally fucked up. It's good to know that at least the Muggle judicial systems are completely free of this sort of corruption.

Crouch Sr.: Well if that's all—

Karkaroff: Merlin's maxed out credit cards, don't you think I'd tell you if I vas done or not? Anyway, Rookvood vas a spy and stuff.

Crouch Sr.: Wait, Augustus Rookwood? From the Department of Mysteries? Who will play a sort of minor role in the fifth book so obviously his rather major contribution to the plot will be inevitably cut from the film?

Rita Skeeter: I'm in ur courtroom, fucking everything up.

Karkaroff: The very same! And I don't know vy I'm referring to the Dark Lord as Vat's-His-Name instead of the Dark Lord, but Rookvood definitely passed information to That-Fucking-Guy from inside the Ministry itself. Also this stabby thing is digging into my cheek, can ve possibly get rid of it?

Crouch Sr.: No. Now then, in a truly intelligent move of not asking you to reveal any more names of people who are still hanging out and torturing people, we'll instead discuss this one name you've give us while you rot in Azkaban for a while longer.

Dumbledore: Yeah, yeah, right. Get him out of here!

Karkaroff: That's retarded, I totally haff more names!

Rifftrax: They're doing a pottery class today, please don't make me take it!

Karkaroff: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape—

Dumbledore: DUMBLEDORE!

Crouch Sr.: I'm annoyed.

Dumbledore: I've repeatedly given evidence on this matter. Severus Snape was a Death Eater at one point, but because of reasons that couldn't possibly be related to a vain attempt to save the only person he's ever loved, he switched to our side at the last minute.

Karkaroff: YOU LYING LIAR WHO LIES!

Dumbledore: And hello, these are the days of people taking my word for it, so just go with it for Merlin's sake!

Karkaroff: THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

Dumbledore: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

Crouch Sr.: SHUT THE FUCK UP. *slams golden thingy on table thingy* Unless this guy has any more relevant names he wishes to tell us, this session has now CONcluDED. And apparently I can't put the proper emphAsis on the correct syllAble to save my life. Seriously, what the crap is with my inflection, it just makes me look like a terrible actor. I should never have left Dibley.

Dumbledore: Get him out of here! Get that foul-smelling bastard out of here. OUT!

Karkaroff: Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no deodorant no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

Mad-Eye: So no?

Karkaroff: I heard about one more.

Crouch Sr.: No kidding.

Karkaroff: I haff one more name for you.

Crouch Sr.: You do know that your life is basically on the line now, right? The faster you tell us, the sooner and more likely you'll get out of Azkaban.

Karkaroff: Indeed, I should probably just come out and say the name, then, shouldn't I?

Crouch Sr.: That would be ideal, yes.

Dumbledore: So fucking bored.

Karkaroff: Eh, think I'll stall for a bit longer, drag it out some more.

Crouch Sr.: Well can you at least say what the next fucker actually did this time, then?

Karkaroff: Oh, sure. This guy helped in the capture and torture of the Longbottoms, though the vay ve're playing it up makes it sound more like he alone vas responsible, making it very confusing for movie vatchers in the next film ven Bellatrix escaped. Also by all means I should've mentioned her and the other two as vell, but I don't feel like it. Oh, and it's "Frank Longbottom and his vife." That's right, Alice doesn't even get a name in these fucking things. Shocker.

Crouch Sr.: Cool beans. Now tell me the fucking name of the guy already.

Karkaroff: Well, Bellatrix, Rodolphus, and Rabastan Lestrange helped, and apparently Bellatrix was the one mostly responsible, but no one cares about them since ve're only focusing on BARTY CROUCH!

Rita Skeeter: Oh snap, yo.

Crouch Sr.: Wait, wha?

Karkaroff: Junior. Probably should've thought that through, matey-poo.

Crouch Jr.: Ah, well, now, that would be me. Hello. Surprise! Boo! Et cetera…

Harry: …But he looks exactly the same here as he did in the present! How is that possible?

Crouch Jr.: Thing about me, I'm stupid, I talk too much, always babbling on, this gob doesn't stop for anything. Wanna know the only reason I'm still alive? Always stay near the door. *starts to make a run for it*

Moody: Um, no.

Crouch Jr.: *puts up his hands* Hold on a minute. There are three important, brilliant, and complicated reasons why you should listen to me. One—

Moody: Zap.

Crouch Jr.: Bugger. *tries to flee but a shitload of guys pin him down and restrain him and stuff*

Book readers: …Why are none of those guys using any kind of magic to detain Crouch Jr.? Do they even have wands?

Crouch Jr.: What're you gonna do, then? Arrest me? Lock me up, throw me in a cage? Well you're too late! HA! Oh hai Daddy. *does tongue thing*

Crouch Sr.: …Yeah, I've never seen this kid before in my life.

Crouch Jr.: *makes faces at him, struggling some more* These are…really good handcuffs.

Harry: AIR! Okay, apparently I'm out now, and back in the present and stuff. That was weird.

Dumbledore: Who are you? What are you doing here?

Harry: …Um, Harry Potter? I came to talk to you earlier? You told me to wait here? I started going through your stuff without your permission?

Dumbledore: Oh I remember that!

Harry: No you don't.

Dumbledore: No I don't.

Harry: So what's the shiny thing?

Dumbledore: It's a Pensieve, and it's an excuse to have flashbacks, basically. It's especially useful in fanfiction, the number of stories that have Remus and Sirius show you memories of your parents is astronomical.

Harry: So you can go into your own memories whenever you want?

Dumbledore: Oh yes. Any time at all. Any time…I choose. *has been staring off into space during all of this*

Harry: Um, I'm over here, sir.

Dumbledore: *ignores him* So I think I know what's going on, but all I need is that one very small clue that will completely tie everything together. *finally looks over at Harry* You don't understand my plight!

Harry: …No, I don't understand your plight.

Dumbledore: I don't even know what "plight" means. *sits down on the steps*

iheartmwpp: Can't believe it took me this long. Every other time Michael Gambon says one of Dumbledore's lines, he spits more than Daffy Duck. Not to mention the anger inherent in every single word he says. Dumbledore was supposed to be this pretty mellow dude, only losing his temper when the situation actually called for it. No wonder I prefer Richard Harris.

Harry: Sir? Mr. Crouch's son…What exactly happened to him?

Dumbledore: He was sent to Azkaban, and reportedly died there after only a year. Barty really couldn't care less about the whole situation. Of course, we're totally destroying any semblance of canon here, but whatever, no one cares.

Book readers: *with the US edition* I HAVE A SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FOUR PAGE BOOK AND YOU HAVE AN ANUS. YOU'LL FIND THAT THEY FIT.

Dumbledore: There's no way you could have just been simply curious about the guy's fate, so there must be some ulterior motive behind asking that question.

Harry: Well in this case, you'd be right, since I had a dream about him.

Dumbledore: Oh brilliant. Cue the slash fics!

Harry: Speaking of flashbacks, here's one of said dream that I've been having all year. And then I describe it for Dumbledore's benefit. How utterly exciting.

Dumbledore: Hold up, who's Wormtail?

Harry: That's not important enough to ever explain ever, don't worry about it.

Dumbledore: OKAY! But have there been others like that one?

Harry: Yep! Always the same one, which is a lie, since one time it was snowing and Voldemort was commenting on a tattoo of the Dark Mark on Mr. Crouch's son's arm, and the dialogue was altered slightly. THAT MEANS IT WAS EXACTLY THE SAME.

Dumbledore: Uh…huh… *meanders to the front of the Pensieve*

Harry: Sir, these dreams…what I see…you don't think they're actually exactly what Voldemort is seeing and feeling at that exact moment and I'm able to basically spy on him due to the connection we share when he accidentally made me into a Horcrux, do you?

Dumbledore: You know, I would explain most of that to you, minus the Horcrux part, but instead I think I'll just begin the epic awesomeness that is keeping you purposely and pointlessly in the dark and causing to make you worry even more instead of doing you any sort of good whatsoever. *pulls out memory*

Harry: You are an asshole.

Dumbledore: Uh huh. *stares at a memory of watching Doctor Who in the Pensieve*

~And all the movie watchers were able to instantly put together that Moody was Crouch Jr. using Polyjuice Potion, thereby destroying any sort of suspense that the film may have had.~

Harry: Well that accomplished nothing and only served to make me even more confused.

Karkaroff: I really shouldn't be shouting about secret alliances vere any student could just valk by and hear us.

Snape: You would think I'd have cast muffliato, but you'd be wrong.

Harry: OH GOD I DID NOT JUST SEE SNAPE AND KARKAROFF IN A CLOSET TOGETHER hey what's on your arm?

Karkaroff: YOU SAW NOTHING!

Harry: ...

Karkaroff: GET THE FUCK OUT THE VAY.

Harry: *gets the fuck out the vay* What's his problem?

Snape: Hemorrhoids. Now then…what's…your hurry?

Rifftrax: May…I offer…you…some…pie?

Harry: … *wanders over to him*

Snape: I'm complimenting you for your performance in the second task. What the fuck is wrong with me. So…you used gillyweed?

Harry: Uh huh.

Snape: No kidding. *goes into closet thing*

Rifftrax: Well, let's get…that…pie…

Snape: A rather rare Herb, gillyweed.

American audiences: Actually, it's pronounced "Erb."

British audiences: *spall themselves*

Eddie Izzard: And we do pronounce things in a different way, like you say "caterpillar" and we say "caterpillar." You say "aluminum," we say "aluminium." You say "centrifugal," we say "centrifugal." You say "leisure," we say "LY-ZU-RA-E." You say "erbs," and we say "herbs," because there's a fucking "H" in it.

Snape: Gillyweed isn't something found in your everyday garden. *goes up the ladder rather fabulously*

Harry: Damn it that's fabulous!

Snape: *picks out tiny bottle thing* Nor is this.

Harry: Well of course that wouldn't be found in a garden, it's a bottle! Unless there's some kind of plant that grows tiny bottles, I should ask Neville about it—

Snape: Shut up. *holds up tiny bottle thing* Know what it is?

Harry: You and I both know that I haven't my mother's skill at potion making.

Snape: More's the pity. It's Veritaserum, a substance that isn't nearly used enough or to its full potential due to people apparently being able to fool it. Three drops of this and The-Main-Villain-Of-The-Series-Who-Will-Finally-Be-Making-An-Appearance-In-About-Two-Chapters-Or-So would spill what and where his Horcruxes are.

Harry: Thought you called him the Dark Lord.

Snape: Thought I told you to shut up.

Harry: …You win this round.

Snape: Anyway, I can't technically use it on a student, but a lot of stuff's gone missing from my stores recently and I blame you, so I might just use this stuff on you anyway.

Harry: Wait, wait, wait. Neville stole from you? DOES THE MAN'S BADASSERY KNOW NO BOUNDS? Er…that is…I didn't do it.

Snape: Bull.

Harry: No, roast beef. But I haven't got it quite right yet.

Snape: Don't be goofy with me. Now apparently I don't really care about the gillyweed to begin with, but boomslang skin? Lacewing flies?

Book readers: They didn't steal the lacewing flies though, no one did, those are available in the students' store-cupboard, Hermione said so herself. What they did need to steal in addition to the boomslang skin was the powdered horn of a bicorn. Read the damn books, you idiots.

Snape: I'm accusing you and your friends of brewing Polyjuice Potion two years late, especially since you really have no need for doing so this year that I know of, so I really want to figure out why the hell you'd do something like that this year. *slams the door in Harry's face*

Harry: OW MY NOSE!

~Last deleted scene, gais.~

Ron: What d'you suppose is on Karkaroff's arm?

Harry: I told you, I distinctly saw a small tattoo of the Dark Mark.

Hermione: Boomslang skin and lacewing flies?

Harry: Her shouting out ingredients like that means I've told them what I just saw Snape and Karkaroff talking about.

Audience: Ohhhhhh, okay then.

Hermione: You're sure those are the ingredients Snape mentioned?

Harry: …No. He wanted the Taj Mahal, some tasteful sea shells, and a blue wig. Which is why I gave you a completely different list of ingredients when I originally told you exactly what Snape said. Just because I don't memorize everything that was ever said by anyone ever does not mean that my memory is complete shit.

Hermione: Which means he thinks we're brewing Polyjuice Potion, doesn't he?

Harry: …YES. I JUST GOT FINISHED TELLING YOU THAT.

Ron: How did we get the boomslang skin last time anyway?

Neville: I'm carrying a plant in the background!

Harry: I don't care about stupid potions we had to make two years ago. I still have to worry about the third task, that one dream's getting really annoying, and my scar's REALLY starting to piss me off, what with the hurting and the stinging and the inevitable return of Voldemort at the end of the movie.

~Wow, the movie's practically nearly over…and yet we still haven't even hit the two hour mark of this hundred and fifty-seven minute movie. Huh boy.~

Review or you will be forced to wear the hats that should've got the current costume designer fired as soon as the designs were put on paper.


	17. Teh THIS WHOLE TOURNAMENT IS FUCKING POINTLESS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Doctor Who, one of hbi2k's Abridged Serieseses, can't for the life of me remember which one, he's made like three or something, "Gryffindor Rally Cry" by the Ministry of Magic, Labyrinth, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, The Lion King 1 1/2, Casablanca, or Rifftrax.

~What, the twins aren't taking bets on who will win the Third Task?~

Hufflepuffs: *waving yellow banners* WOOOOO! GO CEDRIC! YEAH!

Gryffindors: *also waving yellow banners* WE THINK THESE ARE MEANT TO BE RED AND GOLD BUT IF YOU JUST GLANCE REALLY QUICKLY IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE ALSO SUPPORTING CEDRIC INSTEAD OF OUR MAIN GUY! WOOOOOOO!

Hogwarts band: Since when do we even have a band? Seriously, there are like no known extracurricular activities beyond Quidditch, and apparently Gobstones and Charms clubs, what is with the chorus and band classes?

Flitwick: It's official. I'm not even bothering to teach Charms anymore.

Arthur: I'm in the stands too! And wearing pure Muggle clothes for some reason…

Amos: WHEEEEEEEE!

Cedric: I don't know him.

Beauxbatons students: WE ARE DANCING SEXILY AND STUFF!

Roger Davies: Huh, I'm still in the movie. Who knew.

Hogwarts band: Our brass instruments look kind of dumb and impossible to play.

Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle: We actually look like we're enjoying ourselves. This does not bode well.

Krum: WOOOOOOO!

Crowd: FUCK YEAH!

Karkaroff: I'm not sure vy I just kissed my own hand.

Dumbledore: And we're up next.

Harry: Okay then—

Dumbledore: Hold up, we have to wait a bit.

Harry: …Then why did you come to the doorway so early? I'm following you, you know.

Dumbledore: What's the face for? Look what I'm giving you.

Harry: A chance to die horribly once again? Oh believe me, I'm thrilled. *eyeroll*

Dumbledore: Oh good. After all, it's not like I've been systematically plotting your death for the last two years or anything.

Harry: Well that's a relief…and oddly specific—

Dumbledore: NO IT WASN'T.

Amos: I'm not letting go of you till the actual task begins.

Cedric: Well since I've come so close to death all year and very well might die during this task…You know, I'm sort of okay with that.

Dumbledore: Oooh, what a clever little boy! *looks at Amos* You must be so irritated.

Amos: …What's with him? The Dumbledore I knew was a tad more cheerful than that.

Cedric: Yeah, he's been like that since last year, not too sure why.

Amos: Huh.

Dumbledore: WOULD EVERYONE SHUT UP ALREADY.

Students: Oh, you're no fun anymore. *sits down*

Hogwarts band: OH THANK GOD WE CAN FINALLY SIT DOWN.

Fudge: This should be enjoyable.

Snape: You can't tell, but I'm picturing you dying in horrible ways.

McGonagall: Tee hee, Snape has to sit next to Fudge, I laugh at his pain.

Snape: I was talking to you.

Dumbledore: Earlier today, Professor Moody placed the Triwizard Cup deep within the maze, where I'm positive he didn't tamper with it in any way, because that would just suck.

iheartmwpp: At first I though Dumbledore said "Professor Moony." Obviously, my hopes were irrevocably crushed.

Karkaroff: Don't mind me, I'm just picking some lint off Krum's sveater.

Dumbledore: Now as Mr. Diggory—

Hufflepuffs: FUCK YEAH THE ONE AWESOME GUY FROM OUR HOUSE THAT WE KNOW OF SO FAR WOOOOOOO!

Amos: YEAH THAT'S MY SON! *raises Cedric's arm*

Cedric: Okay, there's only so much I can take, this is just getting nauseatingly embarrassing now.

Fleur: …Where ze fuck are our parents?

Krum: I vas vondering the same thing myself.

Dumbledore: God you're so fucking annoying. Anyway, even though Mr. Potter—

Gryffindors: *burst into song* NOW WHO ARE WE FIGHTING FOR?/GRYFFINDOR! GIVING IT ALL FOR THE RED AND GOLD/SO WHO ARE WE FIGHTING FOR?/GRYFFINDOR! THIS IS BATTLE, THIS IS WAR!

Harry: D'aaawwww, everyone's on my side again! Until I get back, then they'll all hate me for a year. Then they'll like me again for another couple of years, after which they'll probably start to fear that I'm becoming another Voldemort or something after I kill the fucker. Really, I should just die right now while my life still seems to be worth living.

Dumbledore: —came in second place in the second task and we had no real way of scoring with the first task in this version, somehow they're tied or something, I don't know, I don't really care. Honestly, I just seem kind of bored and annoyed with the whole situation. We need a Bagman here, seriously. Anyway, the two Hogwarts students are gonna go in first, not that we're biased or anything except we totally are. Anyway, then Krum's next—

Durmstrang students: YYEEEEAAAHHH! VOOOOOOOOO!

Karkaroff: COME ON! CHEER, YOU BASTARDS, CHEER!

Dumbledore: And Miss Delacour.

Beauxbatons students: WHY DON'T WE GET A CLOSE-UP CHEERING SHOT, YOU FUCKING PRICKS!

Moody: And now I'm going to not so casually amble up to Krum and probably cast the Imperius Curse on him so he can kill everyone but Potter. What could possibly go wrong.

Maxime: I'm also still in ze movie.

Gabrielle: Seriously, where are our parents?

Fleur: I 'ave no idea.

Dumbledore: And the first person to touch the cup will be the winner, and presumably be portkeyed back to the front of the maze or something, I don't know.

Seamus: …They're doing it again, aren't they. Once again, we're just staring at the general area of where the Tournament is taking place with no fucking clue what's going on whatsoever. This year sucks, the first task was the only actual task worth a damn, if we can't watch it what's the point of even having a fucking Tournament?

Dumbledore: Most of the teachers will be patrolling the perimeter. Should any of the champions feel that they're about to die horribly, they only need to send up red sparks with their wand, and maybe, just maybe, we might get there in time. Bit doubtful, though.

Amos: You got this one, you got this one!

Cedric: We weren't warned what this task was gonna be, were we? I have no idea what's going on!

Harry: I'm standing around awkwardly. YAY I HAVE NO PARENTS, SIBLINGS, OR HEADMASTERS TO CARE ABOUT ME.

Dumbledore: Champions, gather 'round for a sec. NOW, BITCHES.

Rifftrax: Mountain Dew's sponsoring this event, can you all conspicuously drink one right now?

Dumbledore: Now let me drape an arm around the two foreign kids. *drapes his arms around the two foreign kids*

Krum: Um, bad touch?

Fleur: Wow, I'm actually safe. Weird.

Dumbledore: In the maze, you'll find no monsters, puzzles, or enchantments of any kind whatsoever.

Book readers: …What.

Dumbledore: Instead, you'll find something even more challenging.

iheartmwpp: David Bowie?

Kakashi: I keep telling you, I'm not David Bowie.

iheartmwpp: Sure. Whatever.

Dumbledore: You'll be dealing with your own paranoia slowly festering until you're reduced to pure animal instinct where you'll want to kill each other in order to survive. Or something.

Book readers: …What.

Dumbledore: It's less about finding the Cup and more about hanging on to your own personality and humanity, though, you know, finding the Cup would allow you to get out of this terrifying environment. Hope none of you are claustrophobic!

Book readers:…What.

Dumbledore: Also the maze will eat you. Just thought I should not mention that at the last second.

Book readers: Oh. Well that's something at least.

Dumbledore: Now get ready and crap.

Students: OUR VOICES ARE STARTING TO GET REALLY SORE ALREADY.

Harry: Guess I'll just stand over by you then…it looks really dark in there…

Moody: Almost every species in the universe has an irrational fear of the dark. But they're wrong. It's not irrational.

Harry: Oh that's comforting.

Moody: Stay out of the shadows.

Harry: The maze is nothing but shadows!

Moody: Exactly. Nice shoes by the way.

Harry: I am so fucking dead.

Amos: Good luck! See you when you get out!

Cedric: Bye, Dad! I'll FIND that Cup, I promise!

Amos: *sniffs* That's my boy!

Harry: I nod in your general direction.

Cedric: Cool.

Dumbledore: On the count of three, and Filch had better not fuck this up, one—

Cannon: BOOM, BABY.

Filch: Meow?

Dumbledore: I swear to Merlin, I will be playing jump rope with your entrails later.

Amos: It's like watching a moose try to ride a unicycle, isn't it.

Harry: Okay, then, guess it's time for me to head in.

Moody: Tell you what then, don't…step on any butterflies. What've butterflies ever done to you?

Harry: …I'm just gonna go… *starts heading into the maze*

Dumbledore and Moody: *stare at him incredulously*

Harry: …You said me and Cedric were going first. The cannon went off signifying we'd started. Why are you staring at me as if I started too early? Is this turning into the thing with Neville and the flying lesson from Film One again or something, what the fuck?

Moody: Yeah, sorry. We'll let you get on with things. On your own, bye again!

Harry: None of you make any fucking sense.

Dumbledore: I think I'm meant to be concerned here, but I still just look about as bored and annoyed as I always do, so…yeah, this is crap.

Maze: *closes over the entrance*

Harry: …Well shit. Now, if I really wanted to keep up the whole "I don't actually want to be in this Tournament thing," I could put up red sparks right now, or sit right here and wait for someone else to win so we could all presumably leave…Actually, if one person gets the Cup, what happens to the other three? Do they just leave us here wandering around hopelessly for a few hours while the one who won celebrates or what?

Dramatic overhead shot of the maze:*is dramatic. And an overhead shot. And a maze. Ing. HA HA U C WUT I DID THAR*

Harry: …Creepy…Why do I have my wand out when I know it's just my fellow champions here with me, I'm not all that confrontational—

Squirrel: *makes a cute little cheep noise thing*

Harry: I WILL KILL EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD.

~Meanwhile, on the other side of the maze…How long have they been in there? It's kind of getting dark and shit—Ohhhh, that's the point-ish, okay.~

Cedric: So it's really all just a psychological challenge. The longer we're in here, the more claustrophobic and paranoid we get. Interesting concept, really, though I'm sure the book readers will miss all the monsters and stuff—OH GOD THE MAZE IS ALIVE IT'S GONNA EAT ME WHAT THE FUCK WHY WAS THIS NEVER MENTIONED DID I LEAVE THE IRON ON.

Krum: My vand is all bendy and veird. Also I'm presumably Imperiused by now, that kind of sucks a bit.

Harry: I keep hearing things. It's freaking me out, man.

Krum: Hmm, glazed over eyes…Yep, I'm Imperiused. And more than a little creepy.

Fleur: Meanwhile, I'm panicking. And sobbing a leettle. Isn't zat nice—OH GOD WHY.

iheartmwpp: Fleur keeps failing whenever she's actually onscreen. That sexist? Prejudiced? Does she just naturally fail? What do you think?

Harry: Someone's in trouble! SAVING-PEOPLE-THING, DO YOUR STUFF!

Krum: I'm hunched over, panting, over the semi-conscious body of a young voman. Um…

Fleur: Zis 'ad better not be what eet looks like, asshole.

Krum: Yeah, that's…that's…yeah, I'm just gonna go now.

Fleur: Zat's right, you better run, you leettle bitch.

Maze: We have creepy roots and shit! Yaaaaaay!

iheartmwpp: … *is furiously taking notes for the Silent Hill crossover she has absolutely no business planning out right now*

Harry: RUNNING! And now hiding.

Krum: I AM VALKING. *hears branch snap or something* Lumos!

Harry: Oh hai Krum…Your eyes look weird.

Krum: Yeah, that's because I haff been Imperiused to take everyone else out.

Harry: Huh.

Krum: You're safe, though.

Harry: …Why?

Krum: Hey, I just do vat the little voices tell me to do, I don't question 'em. *walks off*

Harry: …Well that was strange—OH SHIT MY FUTURE SISTER-IN-LAW.

Fleur: I seem to 'ave become trapped een a 'orror movie or game of some kind.

Harry: Yep, Dumbledore probably should've warned us about this. Personally, I think it would've been enough to just have us want to kill each other without adding any actual physical elements or jump scares. Or by filling the thing with monsters and puzzles and enchantments and shit like it should've been, but what do I know.

Fleur: I can't 'ear you, I'm unconscious.

Harry: Ah. Right. Periculum!

iheartmwpp: Question! Since Harry does sparks for Fleur, does that mean he forfeits since it's his wand? The judges didn't expect anyone to look out for the other champions or hostages during the second task, why should they expect anything to be different now?

Maze: And now we feast.

Harry: Oh poopie. *starts running away. Again. Then he falls over to a section of the maze that isn't trying to eat people, when he hears something shiny. Which is totally possible in fiction, I'm not kidding, it's like I'm playing Assassin's Creed again* Oooooh, shiiiiny…And I can't actually go that way since the maze just cut me off, but I'll head over in that direction anyway—OH GOD CROSSFIRE.

Krum: I HAFF NO IDEA VAT I'M CASTING.

Cedric: NEITHER DO I.

Harry: *gets out of the way*

Krum: SERIOUSLY, VAT THE FUCK ARE THESE SPELLS, I CAN'T EVEN MAKE OUT THE INCANTATIONS.

Cedric: Expelliarmus!

Krum: *is now unconscious*

Book readers: …The expelliarmus spell does have a possible side-effect of knocking someone out if enough power is put behind it, but generally it disarms people, which is why it's called the Disarming Spell. So why is Krum's wand still in his hand and why does Cedric have to physically kick it out?

Cedric: Instead of concentrating on getting out of this fucking hellhole, Imma kill this motherfucker.

Harry: Or you could, you know, not, since I'll have you know he was Imperiused. Which for some reason I'm choosing to call bewitched even though that doesn't sound nearly as serious. Damn it, I thought Hufflepuffs were the nice ones!

Cedric: We only let you think that so you won't expect it when we suddenly snap and murder everyone in sight.

Harry: …Well I'm officially terrified out of my mind.

Cedric: Good for you, I'm gonna go FIND the Cup now. *shoves Harry aside and takes off running*

Harry: Oh no you don't!

Harry and Cedric:*spend several moments attempting to outrun each other while attempting to rip each others' shirts off. No, really, watch this scene again, I'm not making this up*

Cedric: Oh hey, the Cup.

Harry: Shiiiiiny…

Cedric: MINE!

Harry: MINE!

Cedric: MINE!

Harry: MINE!

Cedric: MINE!

Harry: MINE!

Roots: MINE!

Harry and Cedric: Oh fuck.

Roots: Yoink!

Cedric: OW! I fell on my keys!

Harry: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! In an extreme case of OOCness, the Cup is MINE! AHAHAHAHAHAAHA I feel guilty.

Cedric: *thrashing about while tied up, shouting Harry's name. Once again, not making that up*

Harry: I want out/want to win, but I have a desperate need to save people…What a dilemma…

Cedric: OH GOD THAT DOESN'T GO THERE.

Harry: Oh great, now I'm having more flashbacks to Film One.

Cedric: NO I DON'T LIKE THIS MAKE IT STOP.

Harry: You remind me too much of Ron right now, there's no way I can't save you. REDUCTO!

Cedric: Oi, watch where you're aiming that spell, you could've shot a hole through me or something! And look, it didn't even work they're still clinging to me in some very uncomfortable places.

Harry: Hey, you want me to help you out or not?

Cedric: Fine, fine, I'm sorry, now get me outta this.

Harry: Yeah, sure, here. *helps get the rest of the roots off Cedric*

Cedric and Harry: *panting heavily after all that exertion*

Cedric: …Thanks.

Harry: …Don't mention it. Ever. Again.

Cedric: For a moment there, I thought you were gonna abandon one of your most well-known and important trait of saving whoever needs to be saved and is at least slightly decent no matter what the circumstances were.

Harry: This script is weird like that, yeah.

Rifftrax: Their gay-dar is pegging the needle. Hey, get a Chamber of Secrets, you two!

Cedric: What do you say, as soon as we get out of here, we go on a killing spree and butcher everyone responsible for this damn game?

Harry: This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Maze: MAZE HUNGRY.

Cedric: Oh yeah, that thing that that thing likes to do.

Harry: Shall we run for our lives?

Cedric: Oh yes let's. *so they do until they get to the Cup. Yep. Riveting* So. Even though the maze is about to eat me and I did sort of not really FIND it first, you did kind of save my life, so you should take it.

Harry: My sense of fairness is probably gonna get someone killed one of these days. Eh, let's take it together. It's still a Hogwarts victory and all that.

Cedric: …Sure! Awesome, let's do this!

Harry: On three, right?

Harry and Cedric: THREE! *they both grab it…and vanish. OMINOUSLY*

~OMFG NO WAY I BET NO ONE WAS EXPECTING THAT IT'S A TOTAL CLIFFHANGER WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN NOW OH NOOOOO.~

Review or a bunch of roots will grab you in naughty places and it won't feel very happiful.


	18. Teh WHEN WILL ANYTHING EVER BE CANON

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Starship, Alladin, or Rifftrax.

~So what the hell gave Harry and Cedric the idea that the graveyard was actually part of the Tournament and that something wasn't incredibly, incredibly wrong?

Harry: Ow…

Cedric: Ow…

Triwizard Cup: Ow…

Cedric: *landed on his back*

Harry: *landed face-down, starts to get up*

Cedric: You okay?

Harry: …Asks the one who's still lying helpless on the ground…

Cedric: …Shaddup.

Book readers: Oh hey, that tombstone has the name Riddle on it. Yeah…Kinda figured. So…what are we supposed to be commenting on, aside from something we basically knew would be there?

Cedric: *finally gets up* …Where the fuck are we? Is this part of the task? Are the professors so determined to kill us off that they sent us directly to out graves, literally, so they wouldn't have to make the trip?

Random crow/raven/whatever: I AM SYMBOLIC. Or something, who cares.

Harry: …Oh shit, I recognize that statue…though I think last time the scythe was a tad more vertical than it is now. The cauldron's new, too.

Cedric: Well, it seems clear to me now that that Cup was a portkey. And now, thanks to you, we've both been transported to some mystery location!

Harry: Brilliant, Cedric. Well, you're a Hufflepuff, why don't you FIND a way out of this place, okay?

Cedric: Well it's not like we could even bother trying to see if the portkey could take us back, that'd just be silly. And at the same time, oddly convenient.

Harry: …Would it weird you out if I told you I dreamt about this place once or twice?

Cedric: Little bit, why?

Harry: Nothing, never mind… *stares at Voldemort's father and paternal grandparents' names* …Cedric, I don't know about this place, I think we gotta get out of here.

Cedric: Harry, you're a Gryffindor! Where's your sense of adventure?

Harry: Dude, no. We're finding out if that portkey is still active right now, I don't really have the time to explain Voldemort's backstory to you right now.

Wormtail: 'Sup, homies?

Harry: AAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Wormtail: *sniffs* I'm not that ugly! You're hurting my feelingses! *cries*

Harry: DEAR GOD THIS HURTS SO MUCH!

Wormtail: …How did I nonverbally and wandlessly start the fire under that cauldron, I'm not nearly that talented.

Harry: This still smarts a bit.

Cedric: Yeah, you okay?

Harry: NO, NOW GO! GET OUT OF HERE!

Cedric: Not without you, I won't!

Voldefetus: *yawn* This is so freaking cliché.

Harry: Apparently I'm in too much pain to do anything else.

Cedric: Don't worry, I got your back. *points wand at Wormtail* Who the hell do you think you are?

Voldefetus: Kill the spare!

Cedric: …You take orders from a talking evil baby?

Wormtail: SHUT UP! AVADA KEDAVRA!

Harry: And so begins the running gag, practically, of Voldemort's flunkies killing off people I relatively like while I'm basically helpless to do anything to save them. Hurray!

Cedric: I NEVER SAW DELAWARE!

Voldefetus: VICTORY IS MINE!

Wormtail: Apparently so, even though I'm the one who killed him, you're still gonna take all the credit for it, you ass-monkey.

Voldefetus: 'S what I do. Now get back to work.

Wormtail: Ah, right. Now then, could I have picked a stupider expression whilst I did my spell casting, then?

Harry: Merlin's mechanical pencil, this is rather uncomfortable, you forcing my body to move like this…could you stop? Please?

Statue of grim reaper angel thing:HUGGING!

Harry: I fucking hate today.

Voldefetus: Do it! Now!

Wormtail: Wow, how did you do that without making your mouth move?

Voldefetus: I'm just supremely talented like that.

Wormtail:*unceremoniously chucks the fetus into the cauldron*

Voldefetus: NO WAIT SHIT I CAN'T SWIM well this sucks.

Harry: …Dude, I know that's Voldemort, but are you seriously trying to drown a baby?

Wormtail: Trying to concentrate, if you don't mind.

Harry: Oh, my apologies, please continue.

Wormtail: *levitates random bone* Bone…of the father…unwillingly…given…AND NOW TO SET IT ON FIRE BEFORE IT GOES IN. *sets it on fire before it goes in*

Voldefetus: THAT WASN'T IN THE INSTRUCTIONS, YOU PRICK!

Wormtail: *too bust steeling himself for what he's about to do; puts away wand and pulls out knife* Flesh…of the servant…willingly…sacrificed…

Book readers: Hang on a tic…

Harry: Oh God, do I really have to watch this?

Wormtail: *cuts off his right hand* Ow.

Parents: OH DEAR GOD, THIS IS HORRIBLE—Wait, what do you mean this one was rated PG-13? Isn't this a children's series?

Book readers: Erm, the entire series begins with a man essentially breaking into a family's home with the intent to shoot a baby in the face, only to shoot the parents instead before the gun backfired and he blew himself up. YOU KNOW! FOR KIDS!

Harry: Somehow that hurt me. Weird.

Wormtail: And now I shall neither bleed from my stump nor give any indication that I'm in any kind of agonizing pain for the rest of the film. Also I sound rather psychotic when I say blood…of the enemy…

Harry: My blood? No! I need that!

Wormtail: *cuts Harry's arm*

Harry: Don't you fucking dare. Don't you fucking dare.

Wormtail: …forcibly…taken…

Camera: We can show a guy cutting off his own hand, but we can't see him pressing a knife onto a shallow cut in order to get a little blood on it. PRIORITIES!

Harry: This really fucking hurts, BTW.

Wormtail: *tapping the knife so some of the blood will drip off* The Dark Lord…shall rise…again!

iheartmwpp: How can Peter be so sure it's Harry's blood, wouldn't the knife be covered in his own blood since he fucking hackeditoff?

Book readers: Okay, the original spell/chant/thing wasn't that much longer than what Wormtail said in this version, how hard would it be to quote something the way it was actually said in the book for once?

Harry: Meanwhile, I'm in AGONIZING PAIN MERLIN'S WET TOWELS MAKE IT STOP PLEASE GOD CAN I HAVE A BAND-AID.

Contents of cauldron: *turns a nasty magenta-ish color before setting itself on fire*

Wormtail: …Shit…is that normal? Fuck this, I'm out. *runs away*

Cauldron:*dissolves and somehow becomes a part of Voldemort, I guess, as we watch him slowly form and crap, while the smoke magically creates a set of robes for him so the film can avoid an R rating for showing a bare ass…which…who cares? It's a part of our anatomy that everyone actually has, and let's face it, with how low trousers are getting these days we can usually see half of someone's on practically a daily basis, whether we want to or not*

Harry: My screaming in pain in the background is starting to get a tad annoying.

Voldemort: Whoa, you're like, watching my face start to form, that's kind of nasty—GOD DAMN IT WHY AM I BALD. Also it's kind of hard to breathe for some reason, it's like my nostrils are blocked off slightly or something… *opens eyes*

Book readers: …Why are his eyes blue. Dan, we kinda get, he was eleven, whatever. This guy's an experienced actor who already has to shave his own head, get lots of make up and shit, and have to deal with little dots all over his face for motion capture purposes, colored contacts should not be such a huge deal here.

David Heyman: And the red eyes…I think is a brilliant image in a book, really successful. In a film, we ultimately felt if you actually had red eyes, you couldn't read what the eyes were expressing.

iheartmwpp: …Okay, I've played Final Fantasy X-2. There's this character called Paine who had red eyes, and she was able to express emotions just fine. Not only that, but she was one of the good guys, a rarity for characters with red eyes. I mean, yes, that's a video game, it's all CGI, but they could've done something similar with the films, they certainly had enough money to do so. And even if they couldn't pull it off, Ralph Finnes still has a very expressive face and body, he still could've done all their work for them. Like he's kind of supposed to.

Book readers: And if not, not being able to read his eyes would make him even more unpredictable then he already was, and therefore ultimately more scary, so it would've worked perfectly.

Mike Newell: If you don't leave an enormous chunk of the human being there, then he isn't gonna scare you.

Book readers: …But we thought the whole point was that he had made himself less human as the years went on. Even movie watchers would notice the change from the handsome Tom Riddle from the diary to this inhuman monster two films later. That's basically what happened, he was a human who was already a monster, killing and torturing and everything, but then he delved so deeply into the Dark Arts that, finally, the flesh reflected the madness within. The original red eyes just did even more to express that.

Mike Newell: The way he is now is he's some dreadful mutated human being.

Book readers: SO KEEP THE RED EYES THEN, YOU MORONS!

Wormtail: Oh my God, he doesn't have a nose. *suppresses a snort* Mustn't…laugh…must…appear…in awe…of the awesomeness…Pfft! NO! No…I'm fine, I'm good…Oh God, so many jokes that I just can't make. Sigh, the other three would've loved this…

Voldemort: Oh sure, the weird-ass powers that be could magic me up some robes but skip out on the shoes, that's nice. And now for the first official noise I make in my new body…A kind of really stupid laugh thing.

Harry: Smooth.

Voldemort: *moves a bit more gracefully to try to regain some dignity*

Wormtail: Didn't work.

Voldemort: NO ONE ASKED YOU. Ah, fuck it. *bursts into song and starts tap dancing* To dance again/I've been waiting all these years/To dance again/And now at once a chance appears/To hear the beat/So on your feet/It's time to dance again!

Wormtail: YAY.

Harry: …What the fuck just happened.

Voldemort: Now that we got that obligatory shout-out out of the way, I can haz wand?

Wormtail: Yep…And now I don't have a wand. Also I'm now missing a hand and a finger instead of just cutting off the hand that was missing a finger. Fiddlesticks.

Voldemort: YAY I'M ACTUALLY HOLDING A WAND AGAIN, YAAAAAAY! Oooooh, I know what I wanna do! Wormtail, hold out your arm!

Wormtail: You're gonna give me a new hand with your phenomenal cosmic powers? Aw gee wiz, you shouldn't have!

Voldemort: …The other arm, you selfish asshole. You're not even in any pain from the look of it, get over yourself.

Wormtail: Don't you take that tone with me, you should've been more specific in the first place!

Voldemort: Just fucking do it already.

Rifftrax: Nuh-uh, you're not taking my watch again.

Voldemort: *grips Wormtail's wrist tightly*

Wormtail: Ow, nails, ow!

Voldemort: Oh, sorry. *pokes Wormtail's faded tattoo of the Dark Mark, restoring its color. He could easily get a decent job at a tattoo place thing, doing touch-ups and stuff*

Wormtail: And I'm still not in any visible amount of pain. Is that even possible?

Harry: Shouldn't I be screaming due to a fresh wave of agony about now?

Voldemort: Huh, touching the Mark actually made it appear in the sky, I don't remember that happening…nor do I remember it vomiting up Death Eaters, that's fucking weird. The filmmakers need to work on how they portray Apparition.

Harry: …Mummy…

Death Eaters: Hey, who's this bald, noseless freak—Ohhhh. Oh dear.  
~I should probably stop cutting off at random intervals.~

Review or Wormtail will attempt to drown an evil baby but instead end up turning it into a noseless, pasty asshole.


	19. Teh I SEE DEAD PEOPLE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Doctor Who, Chuck, The Fifth Element, G Gundam, Escaflowne Abridged, Dragonball Z Abridged, None Piece, Berserk Abridged, Firefly, Santa Christ (Nostalgia Critic? Kickassia? One of those), or Rifftrax.

~Well this is getting entertainingly uncomfortable.~

Voldemort: So.

Death Eaters: *gulp*

Voldemort: Thirteen years, eh? Seems about that long, doesn't it. And how have you all been?

Death Eaters: *exchange glances uneasily*

Voldemort: Enjoying the good life? No one hunting you down anymore? Having fun without the one person you swore to serve evermore? Not suffering in the most horrible agony of being just a fragment of a soul existing on its own without any sort of relief for the better part of over a decade? I've been feeling a bit left out, truth be told.

Harry: Hey, you mind killing a few of them off so my friends and I won't have to deal with them later? That'd be great.

Voldemort: I am very DISAPPOINTED! Not one of you even bothered to look for me? Were you all just so convinced that a fucking baby would've killed me off so easily? *proceeds to rip off Crabbe Sr., Goyle Sr., and Macnair's masks off, and presumably the rest of them as well, even if we never see that. For some reason, this causes smoke to burst out of their faces and they collapse to the ground. What, is Voldemort part dementor, was that smoke shit their soul, aftereffects of the Apparition, what the fuck, people!*

iheartmwpp: Wouldn't it be funny if Voldemort actually ripped their faces off? Wow, I'm feeling morbid today, must be the atmosphere.

Harry: I wonder who the Death Eater with the long blond hair seeping out from under his Klan hat and holding the snake pimp cane could possibly be…

Voldemort: Oh hai Lucius.

Harry: I AM IN COMPLETE AND UTTER SHOCK.

Malfoy: Dude, if I had known you were coming back—

Voldemort: What, did the fucking DarkMark not tip you off?

Malfoy: But—But in the book that was just Barty Crouch Jr. trying to scare us, he didn't actually do it on your orders this time!

Voldemort: …You still could've tried, asshole.

Malfoy: Oh yeah, totally, just give up my high-standing position as Fudge's main source of income by the look of it, and use up all of my connections in order to try and find a lead that may or may not have existed, abandoning my family in the meantime as I lost whatever street cred I've spent years accumulating, street cred I would not be able to currently use in your favor had I done so.

Voldemort: Exactly! That's totally what you should've done!

Malfoy: Sarcasm, my lord.

Voldemort: Oh you're no fun anymore.

Harry: This is starting to get really uncomfortable.

Malfoy: *takes off Klan hat thing* Seriously though, I've been slowly gaining in power all these years and can totally bribe the Minister into doing anything I want, it's kind of better this way. I still believe in all the same stuff you do, I'll really be quite beneficial to continue to have around, if only as a spare wand. *stands up* Ha ha, I'm taller than you!

Wormtail: I'm not! Also I'm the only one who bothered to even show up and try to help this guy, I don't know what you were all up to. Also we apparently picked up Junior on the way while simultaneously finding out that the Tournament was gonna happen in the first place, not too sure how that works, but there you go. Imma cower in fear now. *cowers in fear now*

Voldemort: Yeah, the only reason you came back is 'cause your cover got blown and you didn't like the idea of being murdered by a werewolf and an Azkaban escapee, the only other alternative being that you'd have been thrown to the dementors. Can't imagine why you'd come to me instead.

Wormtail: 'S what I do.

Harry: …Oh God, it's all my fault that this happened. Hey, you know what'd be great right about now? Another dues ex machina in the form of a Time Turner, so I can go back and just let Sirius and Remus kill this fucker. Or alternatively just make sure Remus takes his potion, that might work too…

Voldemort: I am literally petting you. That's not right. Oh, right, your reward for doing shit for me. Here you go. *waves wand, Wormtail gets silver hand that half the fandom was convinced would be used to kill Remus despite my own theories about werewolves being allergic to silver as stated in the previous parody and didn't come into fruition anyway considering Wormtail was dead by then*

Wormtail: *stares at new hand, raises it to point at the heavens* THIS HAND OF MINE GLOWS WITH AN AWESOME POWER! ITS BURNING GRIP TELLS ME TO DEFEAT YOU! TAKE THIS! MY LOVE, MY ANGER, AND ALL OF MY SORROW! SHIIIIINIIIING FIIIIINGEEEEER!

Voldemort: …

Wormtail: …

Voldemort: Are you done?

Wormtail: Yes my lord.

iheartmwpp: If anyone manages to get that reference…

Harry: Seriously, can you let me down now? I kind of can't breathe.

Voldemort: Nah. Instead I'll just kick this dead body around for a bit.

Harry: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.

Voldemort: Oh. You're still here, are you?

Harry: …Aunt Marge?

Voldemort: Standing on the bones of my father, I see.

Harry: …You put me here, so yeah.

Voldemort: I'd introduce you, but word has it you're almost as famous as me these days.

Harry: Ah, damn it, I thought we'd gotten rid of Lockhart in the films!

Voldemort: So what's your title? The Boy Who Seems Kind Of Pathetic When You Strip Him Of His Wand And Basically Tie Him Up And Have Him At Your Mercy Because We Totally Know How To Play Fair?

Macnair: Something like that, my Lord.

Voldemort: Awesome. Of course, everything you've heard about this boy is a lie. He shouldn't be given so much credit for being so special, after all. Should I basically tear that story apart by telling my Death Eaters the same story Dumbledore already told you three years ago?

Harry: Sure thing.

Voldemort:…Wait, really?

Harry: Yep, I got no problem with it.

Voldemort: …Okay then! See, Lily Potter gave her life for her only son, refusing to budge even when I told her to—

Malfoy: Wait, you offered a filthy Mudblood the chance to walk free?

Voldemort: YOU DARE QUESTION MY DECISIONS?

Malfoy: …No, just…seems a bit out of character, is all.

Voldemort: Whatever. If I may continue, that kind of love provided the ultimate protection. I couldn't even touch him without my container disintegrating.

Harry: Yeah, that was kind of weird…and I still feel as though I should be convicted of murder any time now…

Voldemort: It was old magic…something I should've foreseen, though I admit I don't really get the idea of sacrificing yourself so that the ones you care about can live, I would have just moved immediately. Also I thought it was just some weird Mudblood thing, but clearly I know better now. I actually learn from my mistakes, unlike so many others.

Harry: Uh-huh, sure.

Voldemort: It doesn't matter anyway, really. *closes in on Harry very quickly* I can…touch you…now!

Harry: That sounds so wrong on so many levels—OH GOD OH GOD WHY OW OW OW THIS REALLY FUCKING HURTS OW OW OW!

Voldemort: I seem to be enjoying this far too much. Then again, this is practically my first semblance of human contact in thirteen years aside from ripping off Death Eaters' faces and petting Wormtail, so…Iunno.

Harry: OOOOOOOOWWWW OW OW OOOOW HELP ME SANTA OW OW OOOOOWW OW HELP ME JESUS CHRIST OOOOOOOOOOOOW HELP ME…SANTA CHRIST!

Voldemort: Oh shit, don't want him showing up. *takes his finger away*

Harry: Oh God. I think there might be some internal damage.

Voldemort: Drama queen.

Harry: Says the guy who won't stop monologuing.

Voldemort: Shut up and marvel at what just a few drops of your blood can do, Harry…Huh, I could feasibly find some kind of way to market that, couldn't I…Interesting…Ah, forget it. *rips the scythe part of the statue away* Pick up your wand, Potter!

Rifftrax: But it fell in dog poo!

Harry: *falls to the ground * Oh come on, make up your mind! First you call me Harry, now Potter? Pick one and stick to it!

Voldemort: I SAID PICK UP YOUR FUCKING WAND!

Harry: …Dude, calm the fuck down.

Voldemort: Oh. I'm sorry. Usually I'm far more composed. I'm just a little bit absolutely livid.

Harry: All right, already! Just let me find it first, Merlin's smelly trash cans, you're impatient.

Death Eaters:*get the fuck out the way*

Wormtail: *can be seen running the fuck away in the background*

Voldemort: You've been taught how to duel, I presume.

Harry: …No, not really.

Voldemort: Oh, well first, we bow to each other.

Harry: Yep, totally don't know what I'm doing.

Voldemort: Well learn quickly then. Dumbledore wouldn't want to know that his favorite pupil is such a substandard student, after all, now would he? I said…bow. *waves wand*

Harry: Asshole, you're making me curtsey!

Goyle: YAAAAAY!

Voldemort: Good boy. Now then… *waves wand, Harry goes flying*

Harry: Ow.

Voldemort: Crucio!

Harry: *commences writhing*

Voldemort: Apparently saying the spell again cancels it or something. That's not complete dragon dung or anything.

Harry: That hurt me in my hurty place.

Voldemort: Oh who's a good boy? You are! Yes you are! Your dead parents' rotting corpses would be proud. Especially your filthy Muggle mother.

Harry: Um, my mother was Muggle-born.

Voldemort: Oh, sorry, Mudblood then.

Harry: There you go—HEY!

Voldemort: AH HA HA! Mine is an evil laugh!

Harry: Um, Voldy, wasn't your Daddy-poo an attractive man of the Muggle assortment?

Voldemort: Oh, who asked ya!

Harry: Expelliarm—

Voldemort: Oh sure, now our wands work against each other, that totally makes sense.

Harry: Well this is going well.

Voldemort: *bends over Harry's prone body* I'm going to kill you, Harry Potter. I'm going to destroy you. It will actually probably be quite quick, I wouldn't want to draw it out, I just want you out of my nonexistent hair. I could kill you three times over just in the time it's taking me to talk about it.

Harry: …Okay, now you have me longing for death.

Voldemort: Oh, and I'll also lie to the masses and say you were a bloody coward and how I was actually doing you a favor by killing you.

Harry: Well if you keep talking like that then it'll probably be true.

Audience: You know, that actually might've worked if you had stopped monologuing and killed the bastard.

Voldemort: Here, let me help you up. *apparently knows how to use the force*

Harry: OH GOD YOU'RE CRUSHING MY SKULL.

Voldemort: Tee hee hee hee hee! *turns his back on Harry*

Harry: Oh hey, a tombstone thing!

Voldemort: NO HIDE-AND-SEEK, WE END THIS NOW, BITCHFACE! ZAP!

Harry: Ow, I have a tiny cut on my face, it's hurty and crap.

Voldemort: Also I want to watch you die so I can make sure that I won't ever have to worry about anything anymore. And stuff.

Harry: Huh. I seem to have grown a pair. *walks out to face Voldemort* 'Ello, 'ello! Expelliarmus!

Voldemort: AVADA KEDAVRA!

The two spells: *connect together, with a bright light in the middle that…seems to be…dripping? Like it's hot white molten metal or something? Looks liquidous…and really weird…*

Harry: Merlin's snazzy handbag, I'm gonna be melted if that thing touches me…time to use TWO HANDS!

Voldemort: Oh crap, now it's coming back toward me—No no! I got this, I'm fine…in fact I'll do it ONE HANDED! Yeah, think about that, Potter! *panting* Damn, it's hard to breathe for some reason…

Harry's glasses: LENS FLARE!

Voldemort: MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! CHAIR LEG! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!

Random clear blue-ish shield thing: *appears*

Harry: …What?

Voldemort: The fuck?

Molten white lava thing: *touches Voldemort's wand*

Bright blue light thing: *flies out of the end*

Harry: …This is way too farging weird, man.

Cedric: Tell me about it.

Harry: …Did I die or something?

Cedric: Nope, I'm just—Oh hang on, here comes another one.

Voldemort: What in the name of Merlin's red ring of death is going on here?

Frank Bryce: Hey, I'm just a Muggle, I don't know shit.

Harry: Hey it's that one guy.

Voldemort: Well at least we won't have to deal with Bertha since she was cut but—Oh poopie.

Book readers: Hey, Lily came first! YAAAAY ACTUALLY CORRECT CONTINUITY!

Lily: Hi Harry!

James: Hi Harry!

Harry: …Oh my God, I can actually talk to my parents! OMFG THIS IS SO AMAZING THERE IS SO MUCH I WANT TO TELL YOU AND ASK YOU AND—

James: Yeah yeah, can we hurry this up, we got a schedule to keep.

Harry: O-Oh. Y-Yeah, sure…

Cedric: D'aawwww, that's so sweet.

Voldemort: What the hell is going on.

Harry: On a completely random note, it's actually kind of refreshing to not have any obscure Doctor Who quotes this time around—

James: Actually, my actor was in the "Planet of the Ood" episode from Season Four as that random scientist guy. Pity no one recognized me, though, can't imagine why that was.

Lily: Well maybe if you had some hair…

James: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.

Lily: We're already dead, sweetie.

James: Grrr…

Harry: I love my family.

Lily: Now you're sure you remember what to tell him, considering our lines have been swapped in the books whenever the paperbacks were printed so I'm not really sure who canonically tells him crap anymore?

James: I think I understand the biomechanics well enough.

iheartmwpp: YAAAAY I made it work yay.

Harry: That sounded more forced than the other ones which were also forced.

iheartmwpp: Look, do you want to enjoy this slightly extended time with your parents or not?

Harry: You're making it a bit difficult at the moment.

Voldemort: Hai.

Harry: Oh, him too.

James: So anyway, plot, um…Oh right! So when you break the connection, we psychically know that the Cup is still a portkey and can take you back to Hogwarts and stuff.

Harry: Wait, you know the Cup's still a portkey?

James: …I believe I just said that, yes.

Harry: So you're clairvoyant now, right, you can see the past, the present and the future all at the same time?

James: Oh yeah.

Harry: Can you tell me how Lost ends?

James: …

Lily: Harry, there are some questions that even we cannot answer.

Harry: That's bogus! Mondo bummer.

Cedric: Oh, can you take my body back to my father, I don't give a shit about my mother, obviously, who the hell would care about their mother, that's so stupid.

Lily: You're a dick.

Cedric: Whatever, so can you do that?

Harry: Sure thing, I'm sure I'll totally be able to do that while trying to prevent myself from joining you lot.

Cedric: Awesome, thanks.

Harry: I hate my life.

Lily: So apparently I used to call you sweetheart, and also I might be metaphorically telling you to let go of us at the same time that I'm telling you that it's time to break the connection and GTFO, I really don't know.

Harry: Okay, thanks! I've really enjoyed our time together.

Lily: Bye, see you in three years!

Harry: Laterz! *breaks the connection and goes running*

Cedric, Lily, and James: DIVE BOMB!

Frank: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!

Voldemort: You're in my way!

Dead gais: Yes, that is rather the point.

Harry: *grabs Cedric's arm* And now for practically the last time the Summoning Charm will ever work ever. Accio!

Portkey: WHEEEEEEE! *Harry and Cedric's dead corpse disappear*

Voldemort: Now then…where the hell is he.

Malfoy: Can we hurry this up, this fog's gonna make my hair poofy.

Voldemort: He appears to have gone. Well shitfuck.

~Happy Late Turkey!~

Review or Voldemort will rip your face off, claiming your nose for his own.


	20. Teh MOODY'S REGENERATION

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Doctor Who, The Producers, Planet of the Apes, Pokémon 'Bridged,my friend Joelle's awesomeness, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Code MENT, the Nostalgia Critic, or Rifftrax.

~…So the Triwizard Cup was made into a portkey in the first place, and would've taken them back to the start? Huh, well I guess that's one thing for the spectators to look forward to…~

Cedric's dead corpse: Ow.

Arthur and Amos: HEY WE'RE SO HAPPY-GO-LUCKY, NOTHING WILL RUIN THIS DAY FOR US! WOOOOOO!

Hogwarts band thing: WE ARE STILL QUESTIONING OUR EXISTENCE AS WE PLAY THIS HAPPIFUL MUSIC.

Students: WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR FIVE FUCKING HOURS JUST WAITING FOR ONE OF YOU TO COME BACK. THIS IS THE WORST TOURNAMENT OF ALL TIME, WE DIDN'T SEE A GODDAMN THING. MAY NOTHING LIKE THIS EVER HAPPEN AGAIN UNLESS WE CAN ACTUALLY FUCKING SEE SOMETHING.

Harry: I'm crying, BT-Dubs.

Gryffindors: YAY A PATCH OF RED GRYFFINDOR WINS YAY!

Fred and George: Let's go meet with both of our friendly-friends, yaaaay!

Fleur: …Um, guys, I zink one of zem may be dead.

Dumbledore: Well that killed the mood.

Arthur: Our boys won, yay! Manly hug of joy!

Amos: …Okay, but my boy won, none of yours were involved.

Arthur: Eh, we've practically adopted Harry by now, same difference.

Amos: Fair enough. HUGGLES!

Fleur: 'EE IS DEAD, YOU FUCKING ASS'OLES!

Dumbledore: Harry! What the fuck happened, man?

Hagrid: YAY HARRY WON…wait a minute… *stands up* …Shit muffins.

Harry: *shows a MASSIVE improvement over the third film, it sounds like he's actually sobbing!*

Dumbledore: Harry, get off of him, you're encouraging the slashfic writers! *tries to pull Harry off of Cedric's dead corpse*

Harry: GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF HIM, YOU DAMN DIRTY HIPPIE! Also I'm not into necrophilia. Also also the last person who touched him pretty much kicked him in the face, so excuse me for wanting to protect his body.

Music: *slowly…fades…out…ellipsis…*

Fudge: Aww, I'm still looking to Dumbledore for the answers at this point! Ain't I just pwecious?

Harry: Oh and Voldemort's back and a shitload of us are gonna die in the next few years, should be fun.

Students: …Da fuck…?

Harry: And Cedric asked me to bring his body back, and considering he is rather pretty and we all know that quite a few Death Eaters are into some weird shit, there is no way I could've left him there, so I don't think he really neededto ask.

Dumbledore: *grabs Harry's head* There, there—

Harry: *sobs* Where, where?

Dumbledore: Both of you are safe now and stuff. You're back at Hogwarts, no harm will come to you, I promise.

Harry: *chokes out a laugh* Good one, sir, I needed that, thanks.

Dumbledore: *trying to put a comforting look on his face and failing, looking just as bored as ever* Everybody has to die. Tonight is as good as any other night. How do you choose?

Harry: …You're a dick.

Fudge: *runs up to Snape and McGonagall* Keep everyone in their seats! *drops his voice to a whisper* Even though everyone probably heard Harry speaking just now, I feel I should let you two know in private that a boy's just been killed. You know, one of the champions who is the son of a prominent figure in the Ministry, who is actually over seventeen so he's technically legally an adult, so not only should I know his name but I really shouldn't be calling him a boy.

Students: …We can all hear you.

Fudge: I can't believe any of this is actually happening, though. I mean, a student died! At Hogwarts! As part of the Triwizard Tournament! THIS IS GOING TO BE SO BAD FOR MY IMAGE!

Dumbledore: You are an asshole.

Fudge: Okay, maybe I can just dump the body in the lake and claim he drowned or something, yeah, that'll work, they won't find him for months and it won't be linked to the Tournament at all!

Dumbledore: Are you ignoring me or are you just stupid?

Fudge: I WANT A SUN ROOF.

Dumbledore: That's what I thought.

Fudge: And the sunroof could eat tomatoes for lunch!

Dumbledore: There's just one problem.

Fudge: And what's that?

Dumbledore: EVERYONE HERE HAS ALREADY SEEN THE BODY, YOU FUCKING PRICK. Also I think everybody can hear us.

Everybody: Yeah we can hear you.

Fudge: Oh, balls.

McGonagall: Apparently I can Apparate within Hogwarts grounds, since when Dumbledore was shaking Potter's head earlier you could see a hand on my shoulder, then I was over with Severus, and now I'm back here again.

Snape: Yes, that is odd.

Filch: Meow meow.

Amos: GRIEVING FATHER COMING THROUGH, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.

Arthur: Well this sucks.

Amos: MOVE, BITCH.

McGonagall: All right, all right! *moves*

Amos: …Shit, my only son and heir is deaded.

Random student #64: What you talkin' 'bout? He ain't dead!

Random student #46: Then how come he ain't breathin'?

Amos: DUMBLEDORE. GET YOUR FUCKING BEARD OUT OF MY FACE SO I CAN CRY OVER MY SON'S DEAD CORPSE.

Dumbledore: Yeesh, some people are so touchy…

Cho: No, my boyfriend! My high school sweetheart! MY ONE TRUE LOVE—Eh, I'll get over him and move on eventually, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, and despite my crying tendencies I'm actually handling this rather healthily if you think about it.

Snape: Fuck you.

Seamus: I almost feel bad for continuously insulting him once he was selected as champion!

Padma: I should be in Ravenclaw.

Moody: That man is dead.

Harry: …Yes, we noticed that, thanks.

Moody: Need a good death. *grins* Without death, there'd only be comedies!

Harry: There is no reason you should be smiling like that, sir.

Moody: That's nice, now come on, and get up and stuff. *pulls him up*

Harry: You're not going to take me to some far away isolated location where you could potentially tell me all your evil plans before attempting to kill me, are you?

Moody: No, not at all, not me.

Amos: No parent should have to bury their child. *breaks down into massive sobs* No, no…NOOOOOOOOOOO!

iheartmwpp: Okay, how the fuck do I make fun of this?

iheartmwpp's father person: Get off my FOOOOOOOOOOOT!

iheartmwpp: I knew there was a reason I still live with you people!

Hermione: An actual dead body! Come on, let's get a closer look!

Ron: …What about Harry? Shouldn't we be worried about him since he probably witnessed it happen, looks pretty beat up, and is currently being dragged off by Moody to Merlin knows where?

Hermione: Oh, right, sure.

Harry: Okay, seriously, someone just died, I really think I should stick around to see if I can help and stuff, tell Dumbledore more about Voldemort, that kind of thing. Oh and I'm also traumatized by someone dying right in front of me.

Moody: So? Happens to me all the time.

Harry: …Sorry about that, but I think I'd rather try to find my friends and get their support if I can or something.

Moody: Well that's all right, I can't stay anyway.

Harry: …So let me go back.

Moody: Okay, right then, I will.

Harry: Really?

Moody: No.

Harry: Well then you suck.

Fred: …Why do we appear to be following them?

George: Yeah, Cedric was sort of an acquaintance of ours, and he was in our year, you'd think we'd stick around for the sadness like everyone else instead of just wandering off on our own.

Fred: We are such assholes!

Krum and Karkaroff's aide: Vah-face.

Neville and some random girl: Wah-face.

Amos: And I'm still wailing and stuff.

Hermione: Can my eyes possibly get any wider? I look like I'm witnessing some horrible act of violence rather than just looking on at something really depressing.

Ron: Well so much for going after Harry. Then again this is rather shocking and we might not have noticed he was gone in any case.

~Apparently this was another random stadium that just popped up out of nowhere solely for the purpose of this Tournament. Nice to know where the tuition money ends up.~

Rifftrax: Okay, have a seat. I know this sounds odd, but I need you to milk my dog.

Moody: Okay, get inside.

Harry: Thanks, I'm just gonna stand here and be traumatized if you don't mind.

iheartmwpp: Again, I really like Dan's acting in this scene, I think he does traumatized really well.

Moody: *takes out sonic screwdriver and locks the door* No, I'm not acting suspiciously at all, why do you ask?

Harry: …I didn't ask you anything, sir.

Moody: Whatever, now come on, behind the TADIS, that's it. *pulls up a stool and sets Harry down on it* Now then, you alright, Potter?

Harry: Not at all, but I'm gonna nod anyway because that's how I roll.

Moody: You seem to be holding your arm in pain, does it hurt?

Harry: I've kind of been ignoring it in favor of the Cruciatus Curse and Cedric's death and seeing my parents and the fact that Voldemort's back and stuff.

Moody: Well it seems to be the worst of your visible injuries, so maybe I'd better take a look at it.

Harry: So even though the Cup was already a portkey charmed to take us back to the beginning, someone had manipulated it to bring us somewhere else first.

Moody: So how freaking awesome was it, then?

Harry: …What are you talking about?

Moody: Meeting the Dark Lord, how cool must that have been?

Harry: …Surely you jest.

Moody: Don't call me Shirley! *squeezes his injured arm*

Harry: Ow! I'm not, I—forget it. Anyway, it felt like I'd fallen into one of my dreams—

Moody: You have sexual fantasies about the Dark Lord too?

Harry: …The recurring nightmare I've been having all year where he kills someone but it's like he's aiming for me.

Moody: I know, isn't brilliant?

Harry: …Professor, if you don't mind my asking, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Moody: I'm not sure. You have to think of difficult questions, don't you? *flinches and starts to make choking noises as his fingers start to morph* Something's inhibiting my enzymes. *tries to drink from his flask* Oh, what? *looks down and sees a wet stain on his crotch, bends down to sniff it* Oh no, that's piss. Wait, was I drinking piss? *stares at flask incredulously*

Harry: …You okay?

Moody: Yeah…Long story. *runs to main part of office and searches through box thing* What a convenient time to run out of this stuff. Seriously, the timing could not have been more perfect. *flinches violently again* So were there others in the graveyard with you then?

Harry: Um, there were…'Ang on a minute…

Moody: Ohhh…That was me.

Harry: …You're kind of evil, aren't you.

Moody: *comes back in* Oh-ho-ho, brilliant! It's you! You're my favorite, you are, you are the best! D'you know why? 'Cause you're…so thick! You're Mr. Thick Thick Thickity Thick-face from Thick-town, Thickania. *pause* And so's your dad!

Harry: …I'm confused.

Moody: *still searching for more Polyjuice* Yep, told Hagrid to tell you where the dragons were, told Diggory to open the egg underwater, and did you really think that Neville would've known about gillyweed if I hadn't given him a book on it?

Rifftrax: I scoff at his gillyweed providing ability!

Harry: …Well shit.

Moody: *points at his head with his middle finger*

Concerned parents: OI! This is a kid's movie!

Filmmakers: PG-13, bitches!

Harry: So you were the one who put my name into the Title of the Movie and Imperiused Krum and stuff, all to set me up so I could be used to help bring Voldemort back?

Moody: Oh, we've been preparing you for a very long time.

Harry: But…but why me?

Moody: Well exactly, look at you. Not remotely important.

Harry: And what about you, aren't you supposed to be one of Dumbledore's friendly-friends or something?

Moody: Yeah, I kind of, sort of…lied a bit.

Harry: …So the goal was to have me go through the entire Tournament and somehow miraculously survive to the third task,

Moody: You did exactly what I wanted.

Harry: …Seems kind of involved, doesn't it? I mean, what if I'd died in either of them, outside help could only get me so far.

Moody: Well…then I'd come up with another plan. But none of that matters, because the plan did succeed, and now your blood is now within the Dark Lord, so it's totally awesome. *squeezes Harry's arms again and brings some of his blood up to his nose*

Harry: *staring at him in horror* …Did…Did you just snort my blood?

Moody: …No… *starting to convulse, face starting to morph when he turns back around*

Harry: *gets up off the stool and backs against the wall*

Moody: Considering I don't actually know that the Dark Lord will actually murder me slowly and painfully if I kill you, Imma bring your dead corpse back as a trophy for him! YAAAY! *raises wand*

Dumbledore: *breaks door down* Yeah no. *punches Moody and sends him into a chair*

Moody: Oh, hell of a right hook! Have to watch out for that.

Dumbledore: *waves wand again*

Moody: *looks down* Why am I handcuffed—Why do you even have handcuffs?

Dumbledore: *grabs his throat* Severus!

Snape: This is way more than three drops, most fanfiction agrees that more than that is poisonous, so…

Dumbledore: Oh who cares.

Harry: Professor, why is Moody acting like this?

Dumbledore: How should I know. I never even knew him before tonight. Though I seem to have known him all my life. How, why?

Moody: Is this…going anywhere?

Dumbledore: Yes!

Moody: Okay…

Dumbledore: *shoves his wand in Moody's face again* Tell me everything you know.

Moody: Well, for starters, I know you can't wrap your hand around your elbow and make your fingers meet.

Dumbledore: *bitchslaps him* Are you actually Alastor Moody?

Moody: …No.

Dumbledore: He's here? Where is he?

Rifftrax: Does he like my hat? DOES HE?!

Moody: *eyes the TARDIS*

Dumbledore: *waving his wand wildly* HARRY, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THERE RIGHT NOW!

Harry: OH GOD PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! *runs behind McGonagall*

Snape: *snaps*

Sexy: *opens*

Dumbledore: Oh hai Alastor.

Snape and McGonagall: Weird.

Harry: I am so confused.

Mad-Eye: 'Bout time, you fucking asshole, I've been stuck in here for ten years!

Dumbledore: …It's only been nine months.

Moody: Eh, wibbley-wobbley, timey-wimey…

Snape: *sniffs flask* Polyjuice Potion.

Moody: You might call that Polyjuice Potion, I call it a DNA Replication Module.

Dumbledore: Well that wraps up that plot thread thing dude guy place.

Harry: Told ya so.

Snape: …Shut up.

Harry: *sticks his tongue out at him*

Dumbledore: I'm abandoning you for a bit longer!

Mad-Eye: I never did like you.

Moody: *skin starts glowing with golden light; the others stare as he regenerates*

Harry: …That looks way more painful and drawn out than two years ago.

Snape: What was that?

Harry: N-Nothing!

Barty Crouch Jr.: Hello! Okay—Mm… *does tongue thing* …New teeth. That's weird. So where was I?

Harry: *bends down to get a better look at his face*

Crouch Jr.: Oh that's right! Barcelona! *wide grin, lunges for Harry, the handcuffs having mysteriously vanished for some reason*

Dumbledore: *grabs Harry* Holy shit, I'm actually being protective!

McGonagall: I don't care if I never have any lines ever again in this movie, I WILL CUT YOU!

Dumbledore: Oh hey it's that guy.

Crouch Jr.: I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Audience: …This is PG-13, right? Not R? Or X?

Crouch Jr.: I'm just talking about arms and shit! *shows off Dark Mark*

Dumbledore: … *forcefully grabs Harry's arm*

Harry: OWWWW OW OW THIS FUCKING HURTS SO MUCH!

Dumbledore: Quit your bitching.

Harry: You secretly want me to die, don't you.

Dumbledore: Well I did basically just figure out that there's a very high chance that you might be able to get better if you do, but…yeah, pretty much, yeah.

Crouch Jr.: *still doing tongue thing* I thought that Lord Voldemort's most loyal servants were too afraid to speak his name, but what do I know.

Harry: I'm sorry, sir, but a giant stone grim reaper angel thing was strangling me with his scythe, I couldn't really do anything about it.

Dumbledore: Send an owl to Azkaban. I think they'll find that they're missing a prisoner.

iheartmwpp: Okay, even if you lot decided to go without the backstory in this book, with all the fuss you made about an escaped prisoner in the last book/film you'd think they'd keep a closer eye on the ones they have left, or heighten security or something.

Audience: It's official. This shit makes no sense at all.

Crouch Jr.: I seem to be under the delusion that I will just be going back to Azkaban, and due to the ambiguity I may well have gone back there and was just never seen again or something, but if I ever do see my lord and master again, I'll be his right-hand man! YAAAAAAAY!

Dumbledore: You annoy me. And I never had much time for heroes. Come along, then, The Boy Who Will Wind Up Saving Us All And Be Our Most Famous Hero. *drags Harry out behind him*

Harry: OW OW OW OW! Damn, do you have no concept of gentleness or kindness whatsoever, you fucking fuckface?

McGonagall: …Did I Disapparate or something?

Crouch Jr.: I still wanna kill people.

Snape: STFU, I'll poke you with my stick. *pokes him with his stick*

Crouch Jr.: Take me to your leader. *smiles* I've always wanted to say that!

~…So they left him alone with Snape…WTF HAPPENED AFTER THAT? EXPLAIN, MOVIE! EXPLAIN!~

Review or Barty Crouch Jr. will lick you!


	21. Teh BOOYAH SCHOOL'S OUT

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, American Gods, or Rifftrax.

~Meanwhile, in the Great Hall—Hey look, an owl!~

Dumbledore: Mmmm…Huh wha? I was totally not sleeping, just now, I swear!

Foreign students: Well played, sir, well played.

Hogwarts students: Why are we even here.

Dumbledore: Hey, I'm actually wearing my glasses for once, I don't think I bother that often. Oh, and a student just died recently, I keep forgetting.

Harry: Lucky you.

Hufflepuff students: We FIND this to be very depressing.

Audience: Does Dumbledore ever change his clothes?

Dumbledore: *standing* So yeah. Cedric. Decent Quidditch player, pretty good student, was able to beat Harry Freaking Potter in that one Quidditch game that one time, was good enough to be selected for the Tournament that got him murdered, and mostly well-known for being the only useful Hufflepuff in the entire series until it was announced that Tonks was one too in an interview or something. All around pretty stand-up guy. Also he was kinda pretty. Which is cool.

Weasley twins: …Wow, we look pretty torn up about this.

Ginny: *is texting*

McGonagall: Why is the camera focusing on us? Shouldn't it focus on Pomona?

Flitwick: She is Head of Hufflepuff, after all.

Filch: Mrew, meow meow meow meow, prrr, meow.

Dumbledore: Also the maze didn't kill him…don't really think that's possible unless he was choked by a root or something…so Imma tell you how it actually happened.

Rifftrax: Let's see, he was zapped by a fat, buck-toothed man holding an evil baby.

Dumbledore: Cedric Diggory was murdered! By Lord Voldemort!

Ron: Oh God, no he wasn't, it was fucking Scabbers. Again, I hate that I ever had to associate with that monstrosity.

Dean: …The hell?

Hermione: I am looking down, presumably sad…though I look more mad and like I'm holding it in or something, which I could very well be doing, being pissed at The-Guy-Who-Has-Clearly-Already-Gotten-A-Jumpstart-At-Killing-Us-All.

Dumbledore: The Ministry of Magic doesn't believe me on this, but they're a bunch of incompetent assholes that wouldn't recognize a real crisis if it danced naked in front of them wearing Dobby's tea cozy.

Harry: *miniscule nod*

Dumbledore: But one good thing about a child dying is that it unites us against a common enemy, which is pretty cool.

Maxime: Am I ze only one 'oo bozered to dress for a funeral-like event-type-zing?

Hagrid: Can' believe I have ter witness another student's death.

Malfoy: *is listening to his iPod*

Padma: I should be in Ravenclaw.

Parvati: *is reading American Gods*

Karkaroff's aide: I haff no idea vere Karkaroff vent to, please don't ask.

Krum: I hate that I pretty much tortured the guy, he probably died thinking I vas evil. Poopie.

Dumbledore: So I'm hoping that, when the war starts and everything starts going to hell, we can count on all of you to help out, even if it is just for the sake of a cameo.

Harry: I legit look like I'm holding back tears.

Dumbledore: So yeah, do all that shit and Diggory's death won't have been in vain. Or something. YOU REMEMBER THAT OR IMMA POP A CAP IN YO ASS, BITCH. And we'll celebrate the death of a boy who, right at the very end, ended up next to Harry Potter when he unintentionally went off chasing the forces of evil. Because that always ends well.

Hogwarts students: Well that was enjoyable. So who won the House Cup?

~Ginny, Malfoy, and Parvati are basically doing what I've been doing this past week in most of my classes.~

Dumbledore: *pushes door open* Good thing I magically timed it so that only Harry's in the room, or that would have been awkward.

Harry: Hey yeah, where did they run off to, anyway? I mean I am depressed and greatly desire comfort and support.

Dumbledore: Well I'm sure this quick less than five minute conversation should tide you over for most of the summer.

Harry: …Somehow I doubt that, sir.

Dumbledore: Hey, be thankful you even get a conversation with me instead of Sirius and Lupin stealing all my lines.

Harry: *grumbling* Least they clearly give a shit—

Dumbledore: What was that?

Harry: Nothing!

Dumbledore: Lost my glasses again…Anyway, I never did like these curtains. Turned them all plaid in my fourth year. Intentionally, of course.

Harry: …Okay…

Dumbledore: … *sits on Harry's bed* I put you in a shit-ton of danger this year, Harry, I'm sorry.

Harry: …This happens like every year.

Dumbledore: Hey, the past two years were decidedly unintentional.

Harry: Uh-huh, sure. Um…in the graveyard, there was a moment where Voldemort's wand and mine sort of connected. What was up with that?

Dumbledore: Huh. Must've been priori incantatem.

Harry: …

Dumbledore: …

Harry: …You gonna explain what that is, sir?

Dumbledore: Nope! Oh, did you see your parents? *stands up*

Harry: Uh-huh, uh-huh! First time I heard Dad talk in these versions!

Dumbledore: But you do know that the permanently dead stay dead in this series, right?

Harry: …Then what the hell happened in the graveyard? Why did I see my parents, why did our wands connect like that?

Dumbledore: Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon, we must all face the choice between what is right…and what is easy.

Harry: …Exceptionally good line, sir, but you didn't answer my questions. My many important questions that, without the answers, will leave movie watchers hanging without knowing what the fuck is going on.

Dumbledore: I want you to remember that you have friends here in the magical world. *puts his hands on Harry's shoulders* You're not alone. Ignore how my eyes flicker up to your scar when I say that.

Harry: You're not going to answer me at all, are you. You're just going to leave me completely in the dark once more. What a fucking shock this is.

Dumbledore: *thwacks Harry on the side of the head and walks out.

Harry: What a dick.

~This scene kind of contradicts the fact that, immediately at the start of the next movie, Dumbledore is completely avoiding Harry outright.~

iheartmwpp: …At first I thought that one of the Durmstrang students was the real Mad-Eye, and then I remembered that they all have staffs in this movie.

Dumbledore: Allow me to lead you out.

Maxime: …Professor Dumbly-dorr, I am perfectly capable of finding my own way around—

Dumbledore: Nonsense, a woman couldn't possibly know how to walk amongst children from one side of the courtyard to the other!

Maxime: …You irritate me.

Padma: You might not be able to tell it's me from behind, but I should be in Ravenclaw.

Parvati: OMIGOD SHUT UP WE KNOW ALREADY.

Angelina: …Why am I conversing with girls two years younger than me, where are Alicia or the twins or any of my other friends?

Hermione: And why am I not with Harry in his time of need—come to think of it, where is Harry? Or Ron, for that matter?

Krum: I HAFF ANOTHER LINE. Hermione, may I haff a vord?

Cho: Apparently I'm here too.

Krum: So here's my address. Write to me. Promise.

Hermione: Okay, I—

Krum: Too late, I'm already gone. *blows a kiss*

Hermione: …Kay then.

Angelina: You go, girl!

Hermione: Problem. I like someone else.

Angelina: Eh, least you have your options open in case that doesn't work out.

Hermione: Not if I conveniently forget about it in favor of someone more readily available.

Angelina: Touché.

Roger: Oh, hey, Fleur—

Fleur: *walks right by him with Gabrielle*

Roger: …Fine, ditch me for the ginger, see if I care—Hellooooo… *is distracted by another French chick*

Gabrielle: *kisses Ron on the cheek*

Ron: HOLY CRAP. I was completely zoning out just now, where do you people come from?

Fleur: Au revoir, Ron. *kisses him on the forehead*

Ron: …Thanks, future sister-in-law, but right now I'm really worried about my best mate while simultaneously trying to figure out how to get with my other best mate.

Fleur: Oh, zat's all right, I'll apparently be meeting your eldest brozer offscreen sometime soon.

Ron: Cool, see you around then.

Fleur: Laterz!

Ron: Sigh…now where the hell did those two get to, anyway…

Harry: Awww, look at all the people saying good-bye to all their friendly-friends…and I can't seem to find mine anywhere…Where are they?

Jowl man: MY JOWLS ARE MAKING ONE LAST SPLIT-SECOND CAMEO, BITCHES!

Harry: …This is a pretty good scene. Everyone's happy, showing that tragic events can bring people together, everyone's hugging and saying good-bye, really nice music in the background…is cool.

Durmstrang ship: KABOOM, BABY.

Dudley: Where's the cannon?

Beauxbatons students: We're leaving now!

Hogwarts students: *cheering wildly* YAY YOU PRESUMABLY ONLY DID GOOD IN THE DRAGON CHALLENGE THAT TOOK PLACE OFFSCREEN AND OTHERWISE WE JUST FIND YOU REALLY HOT WELL DONE INDEED.

Durmstrang students: Ve are actually taking the time to stop and shake hands, because ve don't suck.

Harry: There you are!

Ron: *jumps up on the ledge…thing…look I don't know* Stupidest question in existence: Do you think we'll ever have just a quiet year at Hogwarts?

Harry and Hermione: It would still make millions since it'd be about us, but…no, not really.

Ron: Figures. Eh, at least we won't have to deal with anymore dragons.

Harry: Aaand next book Hagrid will have a new pet.

Ron: Crap, now that I've said that, you're probably right. *gets off whatever he was sitting on and pats Harry on the shoulder*

Hermione: *lags behind*

Harry and Ron: …'Sup?

Hermione's eyebrows: Everyone we've ever grown to love will die horribly, won't they?

Harry: *goes up to her and puts his hand on her shoulder* Yeppers! Now stop looking more traumatized than me, you weren't put under the Cruciatus and you won't be gaining the ability to see thestrals. *gives a pathetic kind of nod thing*

Hermione's eyebrows: …Righty then. *starts walking with them* And both of you should write to me this summer. *stares pointedly at Ron* Both of you.

Ron: Okay, even if we weren't going to spend practically the entire summer together cleaning out Sirius's house, you know I won't anyway!

Rifftrax: I'll be too high to find a pen!

Hermione: Harry will, won't you?

Harry: …Yeah. Every week. Demanding why you aren't writing to me and begging for any kind of news whatsoever.

Ron: *laughs heartily*

Happy Trio of Yay School's Out: *find a good place to watch as the Durmstrang sinks back into the lake and the Beauxbatons carriage flies off into the sky, as the movie fades into a pretty badass credit sequence, though not as involved as the one from Film Three, and it ends on what feels like the last real, conclusive ending that we'll get until the end of Film Eight. And I mean the Epilogue ending, not that shit on the bridge, that was stupid and lame*

~The final eyebrow count for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is sixty-five. Roughly.~

Review or Dumbledore will turn all your curtains plaid. DON'T THINK HE WON'T.


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